ANYTHING YOU WANT
...and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightdress.
"Tie me up," she purred,
"and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel,
and Lulu was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the girls line up along the sidewalk
when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
"Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not wanting to let her grandmother know the truth,
Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges
and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them.
I think I'll get some for myself",
and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the hookers.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"Wow, still going at it at your age?
How do you do it? "
"Oh, it's easy, dear.
I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and
the bride says to her new groom,
"Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom says
"How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds...
"Well you see it was this way:
My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...
God I miss him!"
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.
THE BRIDE WEARS WHITE
The little girl asks her mother, why brides always wear white?
The mother tells the little girl it is because white represents happiness....
and the wedding day is the happiest day of her life.
The little girl asks:
Then why do grooms wear black?........
She decided to go skinny-dipping.
She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed.
Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush
where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.
"Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."
THE HOME DEPOT STORY
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him,
"How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied,
"That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet
-- certainly out of my price range."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled.
"Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
Q & A
A. You can always unscrew a lightbulb.
"Mom I've got a problem."
She says, "Tell me."
He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are.
He tells her "Well, pussy and bitch."
She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens,
and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.
He says to his dad,
"Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and
I don't think she told me the exact meaning."
Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them.
What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf,
takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says,
"Son, everything inside this circle is pussy."
"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son," he says,
"everything outside that circle."
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
A. The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
THE COLD WAR
continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were two inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal.
It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that
this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly
waddled over towards the Russian dog.
The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American
But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened.
We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied.
"We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years........
to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
Q & A
A: She realizes that she given her last B J.
GARDEN OF EDEN
"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Adam looked at God and said,
"Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained,
"I've got two new organs for you.
One is called a brain.
It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things,
and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis.
It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form.
Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed,
"These are great gifts you have given to me.
What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow,
"The bad news is that when I created you,
I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."
Nuns Go Back To Earth
and they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months
to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?"
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says
"I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says,
"No Sister, this says
Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!"
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The man goes to the back yard where he finds the dog just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered my gift of talking as a young pup and I wanted to help society,
so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work,
mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals.
Had a wife, a few pups, and now I'm just retired."
The man is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten bucks."
The man says, "This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a damn liar.
He's never done any of that stuff ..."
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated,
"...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts,
I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
"down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children
now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and tuck there.
Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses
at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse,
"They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse,
"The first is from the surgeon -
the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband -
he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home."
"Brilliant!" said Lucy.
"And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"
down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer.
"I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding....
so he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it,"
answered the guy in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
GOING TO VEGAS
with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied,
"I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him,
"I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what
I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned.
His wife said,
"And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"
TRIBUTE TO JEWISH MOTHERS
"Would it have killed you to become a doctor?"
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica
It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"My dear, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week
in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied,
"every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, but how much does he send you?" the priest asked.
"He sends me $2,000 every week," she replied proudly.
"Your son must be very successful," said the priest.
"May I ask what does he do for a living?
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession," the priest assured her.
"Where does he practice?"
"Well," she replied,
"he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans."
The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them,
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders
and then exchanged sandwiches.
TRIBUTE TO JEWISH MOTHERS
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
THE DUMB GUY
His wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says,
"Do you know what I want?"
He says, "No."
She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says,
"Now do you know what I want?"
He says, "Yeah...
you want the whole damn bed to yourself."
Please take a moment and remember all the men and women who fought and died for this country.
Today we thank all our troops in conflict all over the world.
Please do not fail to say thank you to all the Veterans who returned home.
Q & A
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
their 50th anniversary.
The man says
"Honey, do you remember what we were doing at this exact moment 50 years ago"?
To which she replied
"Yes dear we were sitting here naked eating breakfast."
He looks at her and says "So how 'bout it".
And she said "ok"....so they strip naked and are eating their breakfast when
all of a sudden the woman says
"Damn, after all these years you still make my nipples hot"
Her husband replies
"That's because one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal"
TALES OF THE OLD WEST
during the settlement of the West.
After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.
He asked one of the local cowboys,
"What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?".
The cowboy replied,
"See them thar'sheep up on thet hill.
We just go git us one."
"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer.
He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels
how to do it right.
He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her,
put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate,
dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink.
He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.
The piano fell silent,
people dropped drinks,
and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said,
"You bunch of hypocrites.
You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing
I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem.", replied one cowboy,
"That's the sheriff's gal you're with."
THE BLACK BRA
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men.....
by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra,.....
stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went............
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice,
tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.'
Then we made passionate love all night long.
The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat,
under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
What's for dinner, Zorro?"