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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


June 2017

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NEW Added on 6/30/2017


A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by

sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.

When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.

He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says,

"Where is your respect?

As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."

The girl gets up and start to get dressed.

He says,

"Where are you going sweetheart?

I'm not angry at you."


NEW Added on 6/29/2017

Q & A

Q. Why don't blind people skydive?

A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.


NEW Added on 6/28/2017

The Ten Commandments in Cajun...

1. God is number one... and das' All.

2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.

3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.

4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.

5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.

6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!

7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.

8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.

9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.

10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!


NEW Added on 6/27/2017


There were two Blondes walking in a forest when they came upon some tracks.

The first Blonde says "Oh cool, deer tracks."

The other Blonde says "No those are bear tracks."

They were still arguing when the train hit them.


NEW Added on 6/26/2017


A big-rig operator stopped to pick up an 18 year old female hitchhiker.

She was barely wearing REALLY low cut short shorts and a tiny halter top that

showed all of her tanned tummy.

"Say, what's your name, mister?"

she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow ... Roy Snow,"

he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.

After a short while she asked,

"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered,

....having eight inches of Snow in June?"


NEW Added on 6/25/2017


An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being

wined and dined by the State Department.

The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods

(french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.)

and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,

but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??"

demanded the Grand Emir.

" A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,

"American Diplomat sit on well."


NEW Added on 6/24/2017


Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.

"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister,

"it's not half as bad as you think.

Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna.

"But what am I going to do with the BODY?"


NEW Added on 6/23/2017


A gal walks into a bar, orders a Bud, then another, and another,

and she gets a little tipsy.

The guys at the bar notice, so they escort her to a booth and "do" her.

She comes back the next day, orders another Bud, and another, and another,

and the same guys do the same thing.

The next day, she comes in and orders a Coor's.

The bartender says "I thought you drank Bud?"

She says, "I had to give it up, it hurt my privates."


NEW Added on 6/22/2017


A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

Looking around the bar he sees a woman sitting in a booth by herself reading a book.

He asks the bartender, when he gets his beer,

"What's the deal with her over there?"

The bartender replies,

"I don't know, she came in here ordered that drink and has been reading

her book ever since."

The man thinks to himself that she looks VERY fine and saunters over to the booth.

He sits across the table from the woman and says,

"Hello, what are you reading?"

"I am reading this book about sex facts."

"That's interesting... Like what?" He asks.

"For example, it says here that the myth about the black man having the

biggest penis is a myth, but really Native Americans have the biggest penises.

" She replies, "another one says that the French are not the best lovers,

it is really the Latin men."

"That's interesting, by the way, what is your name?" He asks.

"Laura, What is yours?"

He replies slowly,

"Tonto Rodriguez!"


NEW Added on 6/21/2017


A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Blonde joke.

The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said,

``He's a Blonde.''

Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated,

``He's a Blonde.''

The bartender finished,

`Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Blonde, too.''

The customer replied,

``I guess I won't tell that joke after all.

I'd have to explain it three times.''


NEW Added on 6/20/2017


A small zoo in Alabama acquired a rare species of gorilla.

However, within a few weeks, the female gorilla had become extremely agitated
and difficult to handle.

A vet was called in, and upon examination, he determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat.

And to make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the same species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Dave,

a trainee zoo-keeper who was responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Dave, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy ANY species.

On realizing this, the park administrators thought they might have found a solution.

Dave was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Dave showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Dave turned up for work and announced that he would accept their offer,

but only on three conditions.

'First,' he explained, 'I don't want to have to kiss her.

And secondly, you must promise never to tell anyone about this.'

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions,

so they asked what was his third condition.

'Well,' pleaded Dave,

'you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.'


NEW Added on 6/19/2017


Donald Duck finally got Daisy Duck up to his hotel room,

but the first thing Daisy asked was,

"Do you have a condom?"

Donald squawked, "No!" and headed downstairs to find one.

In the lobby, he asked the desk clerk if he had any.

"Why, yes, we do, Mr. Duck," said the clerk,

as he inconspicuously pulled one out of a drawer.

"Would you like me to put it on your bill?"

"Hell, no!" squawked Donald.

"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?!"


NEW Added on 6/18/2017


I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes......

to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them No!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!


NEW Added on 6/17/2017


One day, at a local restaurant, a man suddenly called out,

'My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter!

Help! Please, anyone! Help!'

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced.....

that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.

He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all,

wrapped his hands around the boy's testicles.....

and squeezed......

Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

'Thank you! Thank you!' the father cried.

'Are you a paramedic?'

'No,' replied the man.

'I work for the IRS.'


NEW Added on 6/16/2017


Why is it that....

If you change lanes in traffic,

the one you were in will always move faster than.....

the one you are in now?


NEW Added on 6/15/2017

$5000 LOAN

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer.
He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.
The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce
that was parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled.
While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?'
The business man replied:

'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'


NEW Added on 6/14/2017


Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.

One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch

when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.

"Why are we digging in the hot sun while you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree

and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand.

The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree,

immediately clutching his hand in agony.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole, still in pain.

His friend asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said,

"Take your shovel and hit my hand."


NEW Added on 6/13/2017


Two men are sitting in the doctor's office.

One looks at the other and says, "What are you here for?"

The man replies

"I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?"

The other man says, "I have a green ring around my pecker."

The doctor calls in the man with the red ring first and examines him.

As he walks out he tells the other guy it was no problem.

The doctor calls the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examines him.

The doctor says,

"Your pecker will fall off and you will die".

The mans says, "What??

You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??"

The doctor replies,

"Yes, but there's a big difference between

lipstick and gangrene!"


NEW Added on 6/12/2017


Why is it that....

after your hands become coated with grease,

your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the bathroom?


NEW Added on 6/11/2017


A man was driving home late one night and was feeling very horny.

As he was passing a pumpkin patch, his mind started to wander.

He thought to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,

and there is no one around for miles.

He pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a nice, juicy looking pumpkin,

cut the appropriate size hole in it, and began to have sex with the pumpkin.

After a while he really got into it, and didn't notice the police car pulling up.

The cop walked over and said,

"Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are making love to a pumpkin?"

The man looked at the cop in complete horror, thought fast and said,

"A pumpkin? Cindy, is it midnight already?"


NEW Added on 6/10/2017

The Smuggler

The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border,
where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk,
he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

'What's in here?' he asked. 'Dirt,' the driver replied.
'Take them out,' the guard instructed, 'I want to check them.'
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and, there was nothing but dirt.

Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and, once again,
the sentry looked in the trunk. 'What's in the bags this time?' he asked.
'More dirt,' said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and
once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every day for six months, and it finally became so frustrating
to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then, one night,
the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink.
Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, 'Listen, pal, drinks are on the house
if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time.'

Grinning broadly,
the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered......



NEW Added on 6/9/2017


Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the

brand new truck and lost.

This year, he told his friend David,

he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.

He leaned closer and whispered,

"What you need, pal, is faith.

Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent

as the drawing neared.

Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand,

he glanced over and saw the woman bending down.

She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow.

Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her

even knowing it, used her ass as a table.

The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held.

And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707.


NEW Added on 6/8/2017


A koala bear was approached by a prostitute.

Since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited.

They spent the night together in a hotel, and he goes down on her

the next morning one last time before departing.

As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled,

'Hey, what about my money?'

The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders.

She said, 'Come here', and pulled a dictionary out of her purse.

She pointed to the word 'prostitute' and its definition,

'Has sex and gets paid.'

Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary,

turned to the word 'koala' and showed her,

'Eats bush and leaves.'


NEW Added on 6/7/2017


A gnome is riding a bus when a Blonde steps on him,

he decides not to say anything because he is having a good day.

Again the Blonde steps on him, so he looks up at her and says,

'Hey you brunette, watch where you're going.'

The Blonde looks down and says,

'I am not a brunette, I'm a Blonde.'

To which the gnome replies,

'Not from where I am standing.'


NEW Added on 6/6/2017


Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,

I just find a bar with a Happy Hour

and by the time I leave, I look just fine.


NEW Added on 6/5/2017


A Blonde and a brunette were talking one day.

The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem....

but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.

The Blonde asked inquisitively,

"How do you give shoulders?"


NEW Added on 6/4/2017


An 80 year old man went to Las Vegas to pick up a prostitute.

He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her.

The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said,

"Get lost old man! You're ruining business!"

"Sure would like to get some action tonight,"

said the old man.

"You've got to be kidding!

You're too old! You're all finished."

"What did you say?" asked the old man.

"You heard me - you're all finished."

"Oh," replied the old man.......

"how much do I owe you?"


NEW Added on 6/3/2017


Keeping fit is important, I have to walk early in the morning,

before my brain figures out what I'm doing...


NEW Added on 6/2/2017


Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer :

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit.

I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.

She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.

I then asked her what was she so afraid of.....

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing."


NEW Added on 6/1/2017


A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings,

she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says,

"Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is about 4 months pregnant"

The mother says,

"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!

Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walk's over to the window and just stares out it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,

"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies,

"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened,

a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.

I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"