  RANDOM THOUGHTSIf you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE YOUNG COUPLEHe drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the light on. The policeman walked over to the car where he saw young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cracked the window and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she is knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BUCKWHEAT AND DARLA"How do you spell 'dumb'?" Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." She says, "Buckwheat is dumb." The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'." Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid." When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate." Buckwheat stands and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIFE IS BACKWARDSLife is tough. It takes up all of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young... you get a gold watch... then you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating . . . and then finish off as an orgasm!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLASS PICTUREThe children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ... she's dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IQ TESTRead each line aloud: This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top... 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLASSIFIED ADSCOWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed... got married, wife knows everything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HONEYMOONasked him how it went. "The first night we did it six times," Bill said. "The second night, five times. The third night, four times. The fourth night, three times. The fifth night, two times. The sixth night, one time, and the last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSThe probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEAs they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the Blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The Blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLASSIFIED ADSFREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSas soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DADDY, HOW WAS I BORN?The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us.... had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ..................YOU HAVE MALE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSthan the people who have to wait for them? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKCheese Sandwich: $2.50 Chicken Sandwich: $3.50 Hand Job: $20.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons to..... the exceptionally attractive blonde serving drinks. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE POPEthe driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver. 'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 100 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 100mph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The President?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GONE FISHINGat a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says,Yes! lots of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do? The wife replies; I did, they were in your tacklebox! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARYLOUwife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horse I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied "Your horse called." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sex On The BeachAfter a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife. "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching us." "OK, lets go to the beach." "After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a Sherriff's Deputy runs into them." "Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public." "You're right - said the husband.... but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too.... and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." "Don't worry, you're on the force and it is your first time. But this is the third time this week I caught this nympho having sex on the beach, and she's under arrest." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE NUNS"I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them," she replied. The third nun said, "Oh God." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HEAVY LOADA man’s driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every red light, the truck-driver gets out of his cab.... runs back and bangs on the truck door. After seeing this at several sets of lights in a row.... the car driver follows him until he pulls into a rest stop. When they’ve both come to a stop the truck driver once again jumps out.... runs to the back and starts banging on the truck door. The motorist goes up to him and says, "I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the truck-driver replies, "I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEHe sees a good looking lady sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, 'Hi there, how's it going?' She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says 'I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere!' He says, 'No kidding? What firm do you work for?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MATH LESSONThe counter girl took my $3 and I was digging for my change.... when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I tried to tell her to just give me two quarters.... but she called the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math In 1990 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate.... and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.) Teaching Math In 2017 Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100.! El costo de la produccisn es $80. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CINDERELLAHer fairy God-mother was very distraught. "Cinderella," she said, "Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evenings of your life!" But Cinderella continued to cry. "I know," she said, sobbing, "but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!" she cried again. The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphragm, but only for tonight< and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you! Thank you!" she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn't be late. The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella's return. The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried. One o'clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her. Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and a kind of breathless tired hello. The fairy God-mother's eyes got big and she jumps up. "What happened? Are you ok?" she said with a frantic voice. "I'm just fine," she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man.... Peter, Peter something or other." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MENTAL HOSPITALOne day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in, swam to the bottom and pulled her out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act.... he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, 'Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because you had the presence of mind to jump in.... and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your mental capacity. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with the belt from her dressing gown in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead.' Jim replied, 'She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BIRDIt was so cold that it froze up and fell to the ground in the middle of a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the little bird singing and came to investigate. It saw the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him. The moral of the story is: 1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) When you are in Deep Shit, keep your mouth shut. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SEX STUDYof people that did not want to have sex that night. The study revealed that it is the Chinese dish called..... Won Ton because spelled backwards it is..... NOT NOW. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSI wash my mouth out with chocolate. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BIRDS AND BEESwhen her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room.... you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear....Jewelry" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE HILLBILLIESThe first hillbilly said 'My wife is so dumb, yesterday she brought home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!' The second hillbilly said 'My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!' The third hillbilly said 'My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of condoms layin there... and she ain't even got a wiener!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FIRE CHIEFhis new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse... he said that they would have sex on the bell system. He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off... two bells meant get into bed... and three bells meant start fooling around. The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system.... he hollered "One Bell" and she took off her clothes. He hollered "Two Bells" and she got into bed. He hollered "Three Bells" and they started having sex. A few minutes later *she* yells "Four Bells" "Four Bells?" the fire chief asks "what is four bells?" "Let out more hose, Your not anywhere near the fire!" 
|