  HEF's 91st BIRTHDAY IS ON Sunday April 9th  RANDOM THOUGHTSjust getting over the hill. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NUDIST COLONYA man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool.... laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her.... and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer. "You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office.... where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month.... but I fart 15 times a day." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UGLY LADYA very ugly woman walks into a supermarket with her two kids. The supermarket security guard asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the guard. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESQ & A Why do Blondes have more fun? They are easier to keep amused. What does a postcard from a Blonde's vacation say? Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Why don't Blondes make good pharmacists? They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BITING NUTSThe Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has his way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around.... pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team. The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance." The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up.... I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face.... and I just bit them as hard as I could." The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat him?!" "Hell yeah!" the wrestler says. "You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOVE POTIONA young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went to a group of witches.... searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone.... without her permission. But, they did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month. He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month. The witch told him, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven and pills buried say's it best." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DEAR TECH SUPPORTDear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting rules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Desperate in Des Moines Dear Desperate in Des Moines, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Tech Support ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEif she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight.. if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says the Blonde. "Why not?" asks the clerk. "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BURGLARsleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKE"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to Blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Blonde?" "Because",he replied, "that's a microwave. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAST WISH'Can you give me one last wish?' She says, 'Anything you want.' He says, 'After I die, will you marry Larry?' She says, 'But I thought you hated Larry.' With his last breath, he says, 'I do.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAPPY 65th BIRTHDAY! Wednesday April 19th Welcome to the Social Security and Medicare Club! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BOYso one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a policeman. The policeman asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!" The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched girls undress, I'd turn to stone... and all of a sudden I felt something hard! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KAY AND JAMESAs she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dived in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes. Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Kay decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came James, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Kay. "Come on," he said. "I'll ride you into town." She jumped on his bicycle and rode sidesaddle in front of James. James said nothing, but after ten minutes Kay was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?" "Sure," said James. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OVERDUEaround his neck: 'Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we have to wait until tomorrow before we find out for sure, so we can't tell anybody.' The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: 'Are you Mrs Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!' 'How do YOU know?' stammers the young woman. 'Well, ma'am, it's in our files!' says the man from the electric company. 'What are you saying? It's in your files?????' 'Absolutely.' 'Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.' That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. 'What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?' the husband shouts. 'Just calm down,' says the clerk, 'it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.' 'PAY you? and if I refuse?' 'Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off.' 'And what would my wife do then?' the husband asks. 'I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $20 FOR SEXand demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate downsizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the street she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the wall. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, 'If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ VALENTINES CARDS TO YOUR EX SPOUSEI must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in Hell until I met you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Valentines Greetings As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin my life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Valentines Greetings Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Valentines Greetings Your friends and I wanted to do something special for Valentines Day. So we're having you put to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GENIEThe Genie gives the man 3 wishes, but ads the caveat that whatever he wishes for goes twice for his ex partner. "I wish to have 10 million dollars,tax free" the man says. The Genie grants his wish and gives double the amount to his ex partner . "I wish for a loving, sexy, beautiful woman who is eternally devoted to me." The Genie grants his wish and gives two such woman to his ex partner. After some pause the man begins to smile. Intrigued, the Genie asks, "What is your final wish, my Master." The man replied, "I wish to donate a kidney and a testicle." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEwhereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse. The farmer only had two spare beds, and, of course, his daughter’s, but since he had heard all of those stories he informed the men that one of them would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a very polite Hindu mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. A short time later there was a knock on the door, and there was the Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there were cows in the barn, and because of his religious convictions, he didn't think he could remain there. A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went. But a short time later, there was a knock on the door and he too was back, explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite uncomfortable out there. Whereupon the third man, a practicing lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the barn. In a little while, there was a knock on the door, when they went to answer it, there were the cows and the pig. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN COURTbe adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day. "Why?" the man yelled at the judge. The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the mans rude behavior, roared, "Fifty dollars....contempt of court. That's why! Upon noticing the man was checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine right now. The man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say three more words." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AT THE OFFICEThe boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you that you could come and go as you please around here?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICE'I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. 'Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.' The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. 'Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,' the medic said. 'Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.' The doctor took the husband aside. 'You're in perfect health,' he said. 'Your wife didn't give me an erection either.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAPPY 91st BIRTHDAY TODAY! Sunday April 9th ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE INSANE ASYLUMand are up on the roof of the insane asylum. In the moonlight they can see the entire city stretching out before them. The only thing denying them freedom is a six foot jump to the next building. The first guy takes a run-up and clears the gap easily and calls to the other to follow. But the second guy freezes and shouts back 'I can't do it, it's too far.' 'Don't worry,' says the first guy, 'I've an idea.' So he takes a flashlight out of his pocket, and shines it across the gap. 'Now you can walk across the beam.' 'You must think I'm crazy' replies the second guy, 'you'd turn it off when I was halfway across.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "BOND", .....JAMES BONDa very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No,' he replies, 'Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?' Bond explains, ' It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' Bond: 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties....' The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties'. Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEIt was her husband, urgently warning her: 'Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the expressway. Please be careful!' 'It's not just one car!' said the Blonde. 'There's hundreds of them!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OLYMPIC CONDOMSClearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?' she blurts. 'What makes them so special?' 'There are three colors,' he replies. 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What color are you going to wear tonight?' she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course,' says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Why don't you wear Silver. It would be nice if you came in second for a change!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE TRAVELERS IN ONE BEDThey put all of their money together but they still only had enough money to get one room, so that meant they all had to sleep in one bed. They slept that night and when they woke up the guy on the far left said, 'I had the weirdest dream, I dreamed that I was masturbating.' The guy on the far right said, 'I had the same dream.' The guy in the middle said, 'Man, I dream't I was cross-country skiing.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWENTY SHOTS'Give me twenty shots of RedEye Whiskey, quick!' The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, 'Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.' The cowboy replies, 'Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have.' The bartender says, 'Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?' 'I have only fifty cents! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Blonde JokeThe purpose for this is to cut the traffic accidents at night by 90%. Apparently that the 90% that they plan to cut is from Blondes, because they keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DNA MEDICAL UPDATEhave some form of intelligent DNA present in their systems. The study also showed that of that 90 percent........ 84 percent spit it back out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUESTIONS ABOUT EVEAdam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful? God: So you would always want to look at her. Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft? God: So you would always want to touch her. Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good? God: So you would always want to be near her. Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid? God: So she would love you. 
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