  THE MISSIONARYSand they're given a jeep to get around in. Before they get in, the minister says, "Bless this jeep." The priest sprinkles on some Holy Water... And the rabbi cuts two inches off the tailpipe. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WILLpeople named in the will. To my wife I leave the Mansion, the Summer Home, the Yacht and $5 Million. To my 2 loyal Executive Managers, who ran the business for me when I became Ill, I leave the business and $1 Million each. To my Loyal Executive Administrative Assistant, I leave $1 Million. To my Ex Partner and Senior Vice President who secretly hated me and did his best to undermine all my good works, and who never thought he would be mentioned in my Will. "Hi Bob!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTSholding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, 'A penny for your thoughts, Angus.' 'Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss.' The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. 'Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.' 'Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.' The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, 'Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.' 'Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg.' The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. 'Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.' The young man glanced down with a furled brow. 'Well, noo,' he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.' 'Really?' said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. 'Aye,' said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said, 'Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WALMART STOREJohn worked for a while at a WalMart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of WalMart you are sometimes required to make store wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEfelony trial--it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICE'Help Doc, I just got married to this 21 year old woman, she is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long. "The doctor says, 'So what's the problem?" The old man says, "I can't remember where I live." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DULL SEX LIFEThe doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce some excitement, unexpected lust, passion and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan. "Well," he says to the doctor, "I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work mid afternoon. I sped home leaving rubber all over the road. I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it, hot and heavy, on the coffee table!" "And did you enjoy it!?" asked the doctor enthusiastically. "Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "Yes, but the Ladies Bible Study Group has condemned us to Hell!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LIFEGUARDThe lifeguard swims out, drags him in, puts him on the edge of the shore, and starts pumping his arms... Water comes gushing out of his mouth, "Aarrghh... " The lifeguard keeps pumping his arms, and out come fish, and clams, and seaweed. Another guy walks up and says, "Hey! You better get his ass out of the water! You're gonna pump out the ocean!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEthe cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSespecially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ VIAGRA NEWSIt could stand up right away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BARBERSHOPhow much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says, "Thank you, my son," and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 silver coins. A few days later, a Sheik goes in for a trim, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please. You're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." The Sheik says, "God bless you," and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 gold coins. The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a wise and learned man and the leader of your congregation. I can't take any money from you, go in peace." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 Rabbis! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThe first guy says, "Let's have one more drink and then go find some broads." The other guy says, "Nah, I've got more than I can handle at home." The first guy says, "Then let's have one more drink and go to your place." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSNow he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ VIAGRA NEWSIt keeps the old guys from rolling out of bed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSis so when you die, they'll say,..... 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE COMPUTER GUYSo she called Rick, the computer guy, over to her desk. Rick clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Jane called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error." A puzzled expression came over Jane's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin ;-) "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," replied Jane. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote) I D 1 0 T Error ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AT THE VET'SThe first one says to the second one, "What are you doing here?" She says, "My kitty keeps going into the living room and scratching up the furniture, so I'm having her de-clawed. What about you?" The second one says, "Oh, it's my great dane. Every time I bend over, he humps me on my ass." The first one says, "Oh, so you're having him neutered?" The second one says, "No, I'm having him de-clawed, too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEHe asked, "How do you feel about anal sex"? She replied, "Oh I would never do that"? He asked, "How do you feel about regular sex"? She replied, "I'm saving myself for marriage"? He asked, "Where do you stand on oral sex"? She replied, "Not that it matters but I'm usually at the side of the bed...... and I don't stand, I kneel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEAnother guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSspent about 250 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DUMB GUYSThe first guy says, "I wonder how fast they were running when the front one stopped." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PROSTITUTEten bucks an inch. The Catholic says, "I paid fifty bucks." The Protestant says, "I paid seventy bucks." The Jew says, "I paid fifteen dollars." The other two start giggling, and the Jew says, "Laugh all you want. I paid on the way out." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEMORY PROBLEMSso they go to the doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong. After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things." That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair. His wife says, "Where are you going?" He says, "I'm going to the kitchen to get a glass of water." She says, "Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?" He says, "All right." She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?" He says, "I don't have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream." She says, "And could I have strawberries and whipped cream?" He says, "All right." She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?" He says, "I don't have to write it down. "Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She says, "You forgot my toast." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CONFESSIONALI have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman. The priest sighs. Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy? Yes, Father, ’tis I. And who might be the woman you were with? I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation. Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley? I cannot say. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald? I’ll never tell. Was it Lisa O’Shanter? I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her. Was it Cathy O’Dell? My lips are sealed. Was it Fiona Mallory, then? Please, Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Say 10 Our Fathers, 10 Hail Marys, and put $10 in the poor box. Be off with you now. Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, What’d you get? Five more good leads! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?in a wheelchair on the end of the pier, crying. He goes up to her and asks what the problem is. She looks at him tearfully and says 'I'm 21, paraplegic, and I've never been hugged by a man', so the guy hugs her. She cheers up, then starts crying. When queried what the problem was, she replied 'I'm 21, paraplegic, and I've never been kissed.' So the guy leans over her and gives her a long passionate kiss. She's esctatic for a bit, then starts crying once more. 'I'm 21, paraplegic, and I've never been screwed.' The guy looks at her, bends and gently lifts her out of the chair and throws her into the water. 'There you go. Now you're screwed.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WAITERShe says, "Waiter, your thumb is in my soup." He says, "Yeah. I got arthritis and the heat makes it feel better." She says, "Well, then, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass?" He says, "I do that in the kitchen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NIGHT SCHOOLHe says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?" Tony says, "No, Guiseppi, who's-a George Washington?" He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to Night School, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen!" A couple of days later, Guiseppi walks into work and says, "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Guiseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States, he's-a free the slaves. I'm-a go to Night School, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen!" A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Guiseppi...you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?" He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?" The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in Night School." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PHARMACISTTearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside." "I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it... all of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer..." "and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HILLARY CLINTONThe woman reads her palm and says, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death." Hillary says, "Will I be acquitted?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GOLF GAMEslow group of golfers. "What's wrong with these guys?" fumed the lawyer. "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" "I don't know," said the doctor, "but I've never seen such ineptitude!" "Here comes the greenskeeper," said the priest. "Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow. "Oh, yes," said George, "That's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!" Everyone was silent for a moment. ... Then the priest said, "That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for them tonight." "And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them," the doctor added. "Why can't these guys play at night?" asked the lawyer. 
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