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ALEX HUNTER......
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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.

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Dec 2016
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THE GRAND FINALE
HAPPY NEW YEAR

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,

some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.

It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,

thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.

The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down,

and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer




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NEW Added on 12/30/2016

IN THE BAR
Note: Dean Martin's Favorite Joke

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him "What'll it be?"

The grasshopper says "I don't care".

The bartender says...

"Did you know that we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper looks up at the bartender as says...

"You have a drink named Irving?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/29/2016

THE CUCKOLD

We had been in the crowded bar for about five minutes when a man walked in waving a forty-five caliber pistol with an eight shot clip.

The noisy bar suddenly got very quiet.

“Somebody has been fooling around with my wife Maria,” the man yelled.

“When I find out who it is I’m going to shoot him.”

From the back of the bar someone said, “Your Maria?

You Idiot, you need to go home and get a lot more ammunition than that.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/28/2016

HOMELESS

“Good morning, sir,” the older fellow at the door said. “I am looking for donations for a family in great need.”

A tear came to the man’s eye as he said, “Please sir, you must help. These people are in a desperate situation.”

“How many are in the family?”

“It’s a family with five children, sir. The father has been out of work for over a year now.”

“Has he been looking for work? I might be able to hire him a couple of days to do some cleanup around here.”

“He has health problems,” the man said. “The children have barely enough food to eat.”

I started to weaken.

A tear rolled down his cheek as he said,

“The worst part of the whole thing is that the family is going to be kicked out of their home.”

“Why?”

“They are three months behind in their rent. If they don’t come up with the money by Monday they will be homeless.”

“How much would it take to catch up on the rent?”

“It would only be twelve hundred dollars,” he said, with a sob.

As I reached for my checkbook I asked,

“How do you know so much about the situation? Are they family or friends?”

He said, “I’m their landlord.”


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NEW Added on 12/27/2016

THE COW, THE ANT, and THE OLD FART


A cow, an ant, and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"















Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.


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NEW Added on 12/26/2016

"Santas Pickup Lines"
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND


1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!

9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?




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NEW Added on 12/25/2016

ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A CHRISTMAS STORY

Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.

I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/24/2016

ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
at The SOPRANO'S HOUSE

'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.

When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."

When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"

As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!

"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"

Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/23/2016

SANTA AND THE ANGEL
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND

It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.

Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,

stressing Santa even more.

When he checked on his reindeer.

Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.

Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.

But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.

Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.

There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.

She asked,

"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"

And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.


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NEW Added on 12/22/2016

THE CHRISTMAS DIVORCE
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,

"I hate to ruin your day,

but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;

forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,

so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,

" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,

"You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says,

"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/21/2016

COMMUNICATION

Rick took a seat and I asked, “How are things in Houston? Is the furniture business doing well?”

“It is,” he said, “but I have other things on my mind right now.

You know, I’ve never had much luck with the ladies and this year it’s been even worse. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“Maybe you’re trying to hustle them too hard,” I said. “Ladies don’t like to be hurried.”

“No, I take plenty of time with them. I wine them and dine them and I still don’t get anywhere.

I’m doing something wrong. Last night was typical.”

“What do you mean?”

“I met a drop dead gorgeous girl at Jaguar’s who didn’t speak a word of English.

I don’t speak any Spanish.”

“You have to be able to communicate,” I said.

Rick said, “I had a great idea. I got a napkin and drew a glass of wine on it.

When I showed it to her she nodded yes, so I bought her a glass of wine.”

“That’s good thinking.”

“Then I got another napkin and drew a plate with food on it. She nodded yes so we went out to dinner.”

“Sounds like you were making progress.”

“I don’t know,” he said.

“After dinner she got a napkin and borrowed my pen. She drew a picture of a bed and showed it to me.”

“Now that is communication,” I said.

“Not really.” Rick said.

“For the life of me I cannot figure out how she knew I was in the furniture business.”


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NEW Added on 12/20/2016

LADIES NIGHT

“John, women do want to know your feelings.

You have to break out and start speaking your mind.”

“I’ll do it!” he said.

“I’m going to Ladies Night tonight and if I get into a conversation with a woman I’m going to tell her exactly how I feel.”

John stopped by to have coffee with me on Friday. He had a black eye and a bandage on his forehead.

“What happened to you?” I asked.

“It’s all your fault, he said.

“You told me to speak up to women and say what’s on my mind.”

“What does that have to do with your black eye?”

“It was at Ladies’ Night,” he said.

“I was standing by the bar checking out the dancers.

All of a sudden somebody grabbed my butt and said, ‘Nice buns.’

I turned around to face a fat, ugly girl with bad breath. She said, ‘Hey, cutie. Do you have a phone number?’

I said, ‘Do you have a pen?’ She said, ‘I sure do.’..............

The last thing I remember was saying,

‘If you have a pen you’d better get back in it before the farmer misses you.’”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/19/2016

THE SMALL PLANE

“Oh, my God! This plane is so small,” a Blonde tourist girl said to her friend.

“Are you sure this little plane will hold the four of us?” her friend asked.

“Sure,” Mike answered. “You and your friend will sit in the back and Dennis here can sit up front with me.”

“The last time I rode in a small plane my ears kept stopping up and popping,” the Blonde said.

“Here,” Mike said.

He reached into his pocket, brought out a pack of chewing gum and gave each of us a stick of it.

“Your ears pop because the plane is not pressurized,” he explained. “This gum will keep your ears from popping.”

The twenty minute plane ride to San Diego was pleasant and uneventful.

“Well, did your ears get stopped up?” Mike asked the Blonde passenger when we landed.

“No,” she said. “That gum worked like a charm but how in the world do I get it out of my ears?”


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NEW Added on 12/18/2016

NEW JOB

“Exactly what is this job about?” Charlie asked.

“This job is about helping the Miss America contestants,” the clerk said.

“These girls don’t just show up and walk out on a runway.

There is a lot of preparation involved.”

“Can you tell me a little about what I’m supposed to do?” Charlie asked.

“One of the biggest things has to do with the bikinis,” the clerk said.

“Someone has to help them in and out of them and check them to make sure they fit right.”

“I’m good at that,” Charlie said.

“You also have to help them with the bikini wax or shave.”

“What do you mean?”

“Because they are wearing these tiny bikinis the girls like to either be shaved or have a bikini wax.

It’s much easier if they have someone to help them.”

“I can help.”

“You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and either shave them or give them the wax treatment.

Then you have to rub in oils and lotions. The pay is $65,000 a year and you have to go almost to Salt Lake City.”

“Salt Lake City?” Charlie said. “That’s 50 miles away. Is that where the job is?”

“No, sir,” the clerk said. “That’s where the end of the line is right now.”


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NEW Added on 12/17/2016

THE NEWLYWEDS

HER: I'm Hiding.................

HIM: I'll FIND YOU..............

HER: I'm Hiding.................

HIM: I'll FIND YOU...............

HER: I'm Hiding..................

HIM: When I Find You I Will Rip Off All Your Clothes,
And Make Wild Passionate Love To You!!.......

............................

....................

.......

Her: I'm Hiding .................

in the Closet.......


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NEW Added on 12/16/2016

ART GALLERY

A couple go to an art gallery.

They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, 'What are you waiting for?'

The husband replies, 'Autumn.'




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NEW Added on 12/15/2016

THE SCUBA DIVER

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with
no scuba gear.

He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him.

He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes,

"How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"

The guy takes the chalkboard and writes,

"You idiot, I'm drowning."


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NEW Added on 12/14/2016

THE THREE BEARS

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl.

It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl.

It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams,

"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

I haven't made the damn porridge yet!!".


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/13/2016

THREE DRINKS

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman.

Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.

He buys her a drink and then another and then another.

After this and the accompanying small talk, Joe asks her back to his place
for a "good time."

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am?

I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK," replies Joe,

"so how many does it take?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/12/2016

THE WISDOM OF SOCRATES

In ancient Greece Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem.

One day an acquaintance of his met the great philosopher at the market
and said:

'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?'

'Hold on a minute,' said Socrates,

'before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a test I developed.

It is called the 'Triple Filter' Test.'

'Triple filter?'

'Yes, that's right,' Socrates said.

'Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment
and filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is the TRUTH.

Have you made absolutely certain that what you are about to tell me is the Truth?'

'No', the man said. 'I can't be positive it's true. Actually I just heard it....'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS.

Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?'

'No, on the contrary....'

'So', Socrates continued,

'you want to tell me something bad about my friend and you're not certain it's true.

You may still pass the test though, there is one filter remaining.'

'This is the filter of USEFULNESS.

Is what you are about to tell me about my friend going to be Useful to me?'

'No, not really.'

Well', concluded Socrates,

'If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful then
why tell me at all?'

That is why Socrates was held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that .......

his best friend was having an affair with his wife.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/11/2016

BLONDE JOKE ONE-LINERS

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/10/2016

THE MOVIES


For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town
to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $5.00, he couldn't help but comment,

"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied,

"You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/9/2016

BLONDE JOKE

Q: A Blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please.......

I could never eat twelve pieces."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/8/2016

GOING TO HELL

A gentleman died and arrived in hell.

He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder more gentle hell,

each person is offered three choices of torture.

The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and

you could pick which cycle in which to begin.

So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet

and was being whipped with chains.

The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.

They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and

was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine-Tails.

The man also declined this form of torture.

The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him.

The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.

The Devil said 'Are you sure? It lasts for 1000 years.

The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.

So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said

'You can go now. I've found your replacement.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/7/2016

BLONDE JOKE ONE-LINERS

Q: Why did the Blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/6/2016

BLONDE JOKE ONE-LINERS

Q: What do you call it when a Blonde dyes her hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/5/2016

BLONDE JOKE

A Blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly
that day.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her
on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and
sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.

"I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful,
and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry
that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said,

"I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher,

I was starting to get cold.

I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/4/2016

DRUNK JOKE

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is
waiting for her date.

The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me
that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment.

"Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/3/2016

TOUGH GUY

Into a Memphis tavern walked a hard looking bucko.

Looked the crowd over and said:

"I'm the toughest guy in this town.

I'm the fightingest gent in this state.

In fact, I'm the toughest guy in the world."

With that, a little, sawed-off, lightweight gent hauled off

and socked the big boy on the chin...

knocking him unconscious against a hot stove.

When he came to, he dopily glanced at the little guy

who punched him out and said,

"Who are you?"

"Who am I ?????

I'm the guy you thought you were when you came in here."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/2/2016

IN THE BAR

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia.

He struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.

After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle
and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how hold are you anyway?"

the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen, " she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen???

My God girl!!!

You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here!

Are you crazy?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the rejected nymphet smiled and said,

"Superstitious, huh?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 12/1/2016

DRUGS

(Thanks to Ben in Dallas)

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen...

Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and

Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced

that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,

and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form,

and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs'

and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.