ASSISTED LIVING HOME
“He’ll enjoy a visit,” Sherry said.
When I knocked on the door of Tony’s room he called,
“I’m running late. I’ll be out in a minute.”
“I’ll wait for you in the cafeteria,” I said.
Half an hour later he was still in his room.
“Are you OK?” I called at the door.
“I think so,” he said, as he opened the door.
We started down stairs and I could see that he was struggling to walk.
I said, “Tony, I’m going to get one of these medics to find out what’s wrong with you.”
“No! Damn it. I’ll be fine.”
I helped him to a table where we ate.
I knew he was in discomfort but he didn’t complain.
When we finished eating I helped him up and we tried going up stairs but his face was red and he had trouble catching his breath.
As he struggled to walk I saw that he could barely lift his feet
I said, “O.K. Stop and rest.”
As he rested I went back downstairs and talked to the head nurse.
Soon, two orderlies came to carry him downstairs and wheel him away to the doctor.
Twenty minutes later I went to the head nurse and said,
“Excuse me, miss. I’m checking on the condition of my friend Tony Baxter.”
“Oh, he’s fine,” she said.
“He just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.”
deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up.
The Blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.
"Gee, that's nice.
What did you name the other one?"
JESUS AND THE REDNECK
with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said,
"Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there.
The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a Georgia Redneck, swaggered in and hollered.
"Barkeep, set me up a cold one.
Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, and the Georgia Redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the Georgia Redneck,
and the Redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
IN THE BAR
Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy
"and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?"
asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last day."
"But sir," said the clerk,
"you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir.
I'll change your from 502 to 555.
Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk,
"it's on fire."
The man at the counter asked the older boy,
'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know how these are used?'
The boy replied,
'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They are for my brother, he's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
He can't do either one.'
IN THE BAR
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies,
"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.'
'Well,' answered the Priest, 'That's not a sin.'
'But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.'
'I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.'
'Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind.
Father, I have one more question.'
'What is it my son.'
'Do I now have to tell him the war is over?
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a Blonde, decided to have a bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the Blonde's Blonde friend came over and asked
what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
Second Blonde..."Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
THE SWAP MEET
A little old man at one of the stalls was pouring milk into a bowl for a mangy looking yellow tomcat.
“The bowl!” Charlie said. “Look at the bowl!
That’s a priceless piece of Mayan pottery.
I know because Art Picou used to have one just like it.”
“I’m going to buy it,” I said.
“That old man doesn’t have any idea what it’s worth. Watch me do some wheeling and dealing.”
“Excuse me, sir,” I said to the little old man. “Will you sell me that cat for twenty dollars?”
“He said yes,” and the money changed hands.
“By the way,” I said. “I’ll need to feed him.
Why don’t you sell me that old bowl for ten dollars?”
“Oh, I could not do that,” he said.
“That’s my lucky bowl.
Already this week I have sold thirty two cats.”
THE NEW BABY
I said, "I want to see it.”
“That is exactly why I don’t want you in there,” Mama said.
“You’ll embarrass me by saying something about the baby’s ears and I don’t want that.”
“Oh no, Ma,” I said. “I promise not to say anything about his ears.”
“You have to promise,” Mama said. “You’re eight years old now and you have to act responsibly.”
“I promise, Ma. Grandpa, will you go in with me?”
The first thing I said was, “Oh, what a beautiful baby!”
“Why thank you,” the mother said.
“He has perfect little hands and perfect little feet,” I said to the proud mother.
“And pretty little eyes. Did the doctor say he can see good?”
“The doctor says he has perfect vision,” the mother said.
“That is a really good thing,” I said,..........
“because there’s no way he can wear glasses.”
THE ART DEALER
The middle-aged, balding man sitting with her reached into his wallet and handed her five $100 bills.
“Take your time shopping, honey,” he said.
“Remember, my lawyer is supposed to be on the next flight and I want some time to talk to him.”
After the young lady left Ron and I were the only ones on the deck at the Holiday Hotel.
He asked if I live here and we got acquainted as we sipped our coffee.
“What business are you in?” I asked.
“My wife and I have an art business.
We buy and sell and I’ve made a lot of money doing it.
Right now I’m trying to buy some Mayan art which everybody says is illegal to own.
My lawyer is coming to Belize to help me negotiate with the government.”
A man wearing a coat and tie and carrying a briefcase walked up and sat down at Ron’s table.
“Hey, Ron,” he said, as they shook hands. “I wish I had time to take a vacation in the tropics like you do.”
Ron laughed and said, “What’s the news from the U.S.?”
“I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want first?”
“Give me the good news.”
“Yesterday your wife invested $5000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring in around $4,000,000.”
“$4,000,000!? I tell you Howard, that is one smart woman.”
“She certainly is,” the lawyer said.
“You said there was bad news,” Ron said.
“I don’t see how there can be bad news when two pictures can bring in $4,000,000.”
The lawyer said, “The bad news is that the pictures are of you and that Blonde secretary.”
I walked in as the minister said,
“If anyone has any objection to this marriage let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”
The church was completely quiet except for the sound of soft footsteps.
Heads turned to look. A beautiful young woman carrying a newborn baby walked slowly toward the minister.
Everything stopped and suddenly all hell broke loose.
“YOU BASTARD” Elena yelled, as she slapped Henry across the mouth.
At this Elena’s mother fainted and fell face forward into the baptismal font.
“I gon’ kill you!” Henry’s future father-in-law shouted as the ushers and best man tried to keep him away from Henry.
It took four strong young men to hold him back.
Others rushed forward to save the future mother-in-law from drowning.
I’ve been married three times myself and played music in the wedding band for several hundred other weddings.
This one was by far the most interesting one I had ever been to.
When things quieted down a little the minister asked the woman,
“Will you tell us why you came forward, young lady? What do you have to say?”
She said, “We can’t hear in the back of the church.”
BLONDE JOKE ONE-LINERS
BELIZE TRIBAL WISDOM
We reached the dirt track and there was a man, obviously a native Mayan, lying with his ear to the ground.
“Sh-h-h,” Richard said, as we approached him. “He seems to be listening for something.”
As we got closer I could hear the man mumbling.
“Ford pickup truck,” he said, then paused.
“Man driving and woman with baby in front,” he said before pausing again.
“Three children in back of truck. Truck is blue.”
I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“My God, man!” I said.
“You can tell all of that just by putting your ear to the ground?”
“No,” he said.
“The truck passed half an hour ago. It ran me over.”
IN THE BAR
The first guy says,
"When I'm lying there in my casket,
I'd like to hear them say that I was a brilliant guy.....
a nice guy......
and a good family man."
The second guy says,
"I'd like to hear them say.....
I think I saw him move."
St. Peter said,
"I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here.
Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big,
what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and St.Peter asks him,
"How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.
The guy says, "Yeah, 7 times... but you said I was forgiven!"
Peter says, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto."
The second guy says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walks up and says,
"I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman!
Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto
see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they ask him what's wrong, he says,
"I just saw my wife, and she was on a skateboard!"
MORE IMPORTANT RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
2. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
3. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
"Well," said the doctor,
"I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor.
The good news," announced the doctor,
"is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted.
"What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.
Q & A
A. Have your wedding ring melted down into a bullet.
The supervisor couldn't believe it.
The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off
her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
the supervisor yelled.
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns!
They NEVER put anything back when they're done with it!"
IMPORTANT RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
PAID TO CONVERT
"Attention, Jewish neighbors...ten thousand dollars if you convert."
The first guy says,
"Ten thousand dollars is a lot of money."
The other guy says,
"Your grandfather was a rabbi,
and your entire family is so religious, they would never forgive you."
The first guy says,
"I could use the money, and they'll never know."
So he goes in, and after a few hours he comes out.
The other guy says,
"Did you get the money?"
"You Jews, always thinking about money."
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
"I'm sorry, my friend, but you've overdone it for the last thirty years
and your genitals are burned out.
You've only got fourteen orgasms left for your entire life."
The guy goes home and tells his wife the news.
She says, "Oh, no. We better make a list of when you're gonna use them."
He says, "I already did. You ain't on it."
A. He was the president after Bush.
"You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
"We go to my house, have sex, and then you disappear."
Two weeks later, he was dead.
His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
John's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of.
"Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here."
The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket.
He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said.
"Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
THE BANK JOB
An armed robber with a mask over his face had burst into the bank.
He forced a teller to fill a bag with cash and hand it to him.
The teller, who must have been very brave, gave him the bag but then he reached out and grabbed the mask and pulled it off the criminal’s face.
The robber immediately shot him.
Then he noticed another teller looking at him and he shot that teller, too.
By this time the rest of us were staring at our shoes or the floor; any place except the robber.
“Well,” he said. “Did any of the rest of you see my face?”
“Uh. . .” I heard a voice say behind me.
It was George.
“Yeah, you,” the robber said.
“I’m talking to the old man with his hand raised. Did you see my face?”
“No, sir,” George said.
“I didn’t personally see you at all but my wife got a good long look at you.”
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer.
"This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior.
A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.
He might even find you in contempt of the court.
In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor
of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge,
but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE
“I’m going to ask you some simple questions and you give me the first answer that come to mind.”
“What is the difference between men and women?”
“Men have short hair and women have long hair.”
“What do men do standing up that a dog does on three legs and a woman does sitting down?”
“What do women have two of that a cow has four of?”
“That would be legs.”
“What word starts with F and ends in K and usually involves a lot of excitement?”
“That will be all, Mr. Hunter.”
“How did I do, Doc?” I asked.
“You don’t think I’m crazy, do you?”
“Oh, no. You’re fine,” the doctor said,
“but you would not believe the answers I get from some of these weirdos.”
HOW TO BUY A GOLF CART IN BELIZE - or -
“I’m trying to buy a golf cart. If this guy drops the price by $1,500 I’ll have enough cash to buy it today.”
At the golf cart shop the owner said, “I can’t drop the price from $8,000.”
“I’ll give you cash right now,” I said. “$6,500.”
“No. Price is firm,” he said.
“What about this?” I asked. “Will you promise to hold the cart one week for me until I can come up with the other $1,500?”
“Of course. But I don’t see why it is so important. We have lots of golf carts I can sell to you.”
“No. I want this one because I like the color and the tires.”
When I got home my daughter Melody came by.
“Did you get your golf cart?” she asked.
I told her what happened.
“Here is what to do,” Melody said. “Let me handle it.
Give me the money and I’ll meet you at the golf cart shop at around 1:30.”
The next day I arrived at the golf cart shop at 1:30.
The shop owner was busy with a beautiful young lady and they were looking at golf cart I wanted.
“Yes, miss,” the owner said. “I’ll sell it to you for $6,000.”
When they finished their deal I came storming up and said, “I thought you were holding this golf cart one week for me.
Now you sold it to her for only $6,000.”
“Yes, I was holding it,” he said, “but she was here with cash and she is beautiful.”
The young lady walked over at that time and tossed me the keys to the golf cart.
There you go,” Melody said.
“I told you I could get this idiot to sell it cheap. See you later, Dad.”