  WHAT AM I?The function of which is enjoyed by both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of hairy little things at one end and a hole at the other. In use it is inserted, almost willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surface of the opening and some from the glistening shaft. After it is done and the flowing and cleansing fluids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching is bristling climax twice or even three times daily, but often much less. What am I? As you may have already guessed, the answer to this riddle is......... none other than your very own......... ~~~~~~~~~Toothbrush~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTORS OFFICE"Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!" So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BULLYHe stays like that for about a half-hour. Then this big trouble making bully steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The bully feels sorry for him and says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife had left me for my best friend. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICE"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEmy wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. v Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one." "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home.... where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and.... drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before... she says, "I... need...a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ANAL GLAUCOMA"What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?" She responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work today." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 25th AnniversaryAs the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you...... what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out..... and suck your big breasts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks like I did a pretty good job." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JUAN“Juan, is that you?” I asked. “I didn’t even recognize you. I thought you were in the U.S.” “I was,” he said, “until day before yesterday. It was time for me to leave the States and I still had the return part of my plane ticket. I been back and ain’t et nothing since I got here.” “How was it in the States?” I asked. “It was wonderful while it lasted,” Juan said. “Up until I got back here to Belize I had it all.” “What do you mean?” “All my meals were cooked, my clothes were washed and ironed and I had a roof over my head.” “That sounds good,” I said. “It gets even better. I had TV, the Internet, played basketball every day, went to the pool or the library and had time to finish high school.” “What happened?” I asked. “Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?” “No,” Juan said. “I got out of prison.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEThe nurse came out of the examination room and did not completely close the door. “O.K. Take a deep breath,” I heard the doctor say. After a pause he said, “Your heart and lungs are fine. Put your arm right here while I check your pulse.” “Your pulse is normal,” he said, after a minute. “Now, I’m going to put this cuff around your arm to take your blood pressure.” Shortly after that I heard him say, “Your blood pressure is 110 over 70. That is excellent.” “Now,” he said,..................... “I need to see the thing that gets you ladies in all sorts of trouble.” Then he said, “Oh, no. You can close your legs and cover yourself. Just stick out your tongue.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE POLICE STATION“Excuse me,” the policeman said to me. Then he said, “Sir, all you all right?” “No,” the man sniffled. “My wife went to the city yesterday and hasn’t come home.” “How tall is she?” “I’m not really sure,” the man said. “Maybe five feet or five feet six inches.” “How much does she weigh?” “I don’t know. She’s not skinny but she’s not real fat.” “What color are her eyes?” “Uh. . . I never really noticed.” “What color is her hair?” “Well, she seems to change it about twice a year. Maybe reddish-brown.” “What was she wearing?” “Either a dress or shorts. I’m not really sure.” “Which taxi did she take” “She didn’t take a taxi. She took my boat.” “What kind of boat was it?” “It was a brand new Vitas lanchon, white with blue and red trim and a 115 horsepower four-stroke inline four cylinder engine. It has computerized multiport fuel injection and a separate throttle valve for each intake runner with double overhead camshafts and four valves to a cylinder and . . .” At this point the man choked up and couldn’t say anything more. “Don’t worry, sir,” the policeman said to him. “We’ll find your boat.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LAST SHOTS OF RUM“Don Julio, how are you?” I asked, when Ms. Lourdes took me into the bedroom. “Not bad,” he said, “considering that I’m eighty-nine years old and every part of my body is trying to quit on me.” “Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked, when she left the room. “Yes. You know I’ve always liked your stories. Tell me some good jokes and make me feel better like that.” For the next forty-five minutes I told jokes while Don Julio cackled like an old hen and drank shots of rum. Ms. Lourdes came back in and said, “Old man, you look tired. Do you need a nap?” “Hell no,” he said. “I can sleep when I’m dead. Just a few more jokes.” “Do you want a shot of rum?” he asked me. “No, thank you.” “Well, I guess I’ll have to drink two shots,” he said. “One for me and one for you.” He reached for the bottle but Ms. Lourdes grabbed it first and smacked his hand. “No more for you,” she said. “If you keep drinking like this there won’t be any left for the wake.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAIL ORDER BRIDESTwo ladies at the next table had paid their bill and left a couple of Victoria’s Secret catalogs on the table. Luis handed one to Pedrito and they leafed through them. “Man, look at this,” Luis said. “I heard about them mail order brides that you can send away for. That must be what this catalog is.” “Look how cheap they are,” Pedrito said. “This one here is only wearing a bra and some panties. The book says $23.99 for the set.” “Good-looking women, too,” Luis said. “I’m going to send away for this one. $34.59.” When I realized they were serious I decided not to say anything to spoil their dreams. This morning I met Pedro and Luis again when I walked out on the deck with my coffee. It looked like they were still fighting the same hangovers with beer. “Hey, Mr. Alex,” Luis said, as I sat down. “How are you today?” “I’m doing good,” I told him. “I’m curious about something. A few weeks ago you and Pedrito were ordering women from a catalog. How did that work out for you?” “It’s working out great,” he said. “What?!” I exclaimed. “Are you telling me you got a woman though the mail?” “Not yet, boss,” he said, “but her clothes got here yesterday.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mexican Army Recruiter“I am a recruiter,” Rafael answered. “I am the best recruiter in the whole Mexican army. That’s why they give me a whole week’s vacation.” “What makes you so good?” I asked. “It’s because I sell more of the extra insurance than any recruiter in the army. Soldiers get a little bit of free insurance for their family in case they get killed. The Mexican government offers another insurance policy that costs more. Ninety-nine percent of the people I recruit buy the expensive insurance.” “What’s your secret?” I asked. “Tomorrow I got a bunch of new recruits to sign in at the recruiting center. Come by and I’ll show you.” At the recruiting center Rafa said, “O.K. men. The government has a free insurance policy that pays ten thousand pesos to a soldier who gets killed in action. They got another that pays one hundred thousand pesos but it costs you fifty pesos a month.” “Sergeant, why would we want to buy the expensive insurance?” someone asked. “Men, if you have the normal insurance and you get killed in the drug cartel wars the government has to pay your family ten thousand pesos. If you got the best insurance the government has to pay ten times that much. Now, which of this bunch do you think they gonna send to fight the cartels?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUGSTOREAs I got in line the door burst open and an angry man walked in and shoved his way to the front. “What’s going on?” the druggist asked him. “I got home this afternoon and found my wife crying. She said you insulted her on the phone about something she bought from you yesterday. Now I want an apology.” “Let me explain,” the druggist said. “My alarm clock didn’t go off this morning. I was twenty minutes late leaving home so I didn’t even get breakfast. I ran out to my car and found one of the tires flat. Then I found that I had left my keys in the house and the door was locked. I had to break my front window to get back in.” “Well, that no excuse for. . . .” the angry customer said. “Hold on,” the druggist said. “Let me finish. There was a crowd of twelve customers waiting for me when I finally opened and all of them were upset. The phone was ringing and it didn’t stop for twenty minutes straight while I waited on the customers in the store. In the meantime I dropped the change drawer and had to get down on my hands and knees to gather it up. When I stood up I hit my head on the drawer and cut it open. In the meantime that phone kept ringing.” He breathed a big sigh and then said, “When I hit my heads on the drawer I staggered backwards and knocked a sunglasses display over. I managed to break fourteen pairs of eighty dollar sunglasses and sprain my ankle. The entire time that phone kept ringing.” “What does this have to do with my wife?” the customer asked. The druggist said, “The whole time all of this was going on that damn phone kept ringing. I finally picked it up and it was your wife wanting instructions on how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, sir, I told her.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PORTRAITWhen he finished the painting he turned it to me and asked, “What do you think?” “Joe, that is a great portrait,” I told him. “I’ll buy it from you right now.” Just then a beautiful woman about thirty-five years old walked up and looked at the picture. “My God,” she said. “You are an amazing artist, sir. Will you do a portrait of me?” “Yes, ma’am,” Joe said. “Do you want it done in the studio or here on the beach?” “Definitely in the studio,” she said. “I want you to paint me in the nude.” “Naked? With no clothes?” “Yes. I will pay you five hundred dollars.” “I’m going to run home and talk to my wife and see if she says it’s OK,” Joe said. “I’ll be right back.” He was back in three minutes. “My wife says it will be fine,” he said. “I will do a portrait of you naked but I need to wear socks so I’ll have a place to wipe my brushes.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSthat won't get on both knees for you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARAnd the bar was closed for the night... And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse... Who made a funny sight... He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor... And back on his haunches he sat... And all through the night you could hear him yell... "Bring on that damn cat!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PRIESTS AND NUNSIt isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized that they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking toward him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap. The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most life-like statue you've ever seen?" She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap. "Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap!" The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priest's weenie, and he drops the other bar of soap. "My goodness, I got a bar of soap also!" The nuns can't believe it. The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a few tugs to the priest's weenie. "My God, this is amazing," she says, "I got liquid soap!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SON-IN-LAWThe father looked at her in silence for a few moments and then said, “I hate to ask what it is. Every time in your life that you have said that to me it cost me money.” “Oh, don’t be like that,” she said. “The thing is that Mike has asked me to marry him and I said yes.” “Mike, is he the skinny little geek or the football player?” “He’s the one that plays football. Dad, he is so nice when you get to know him. He will make a great son-in- law for you.” “A great son-in-law?” the father repeated. “I don’t care about that. What I want to know is does he have money?” “Oh, Pop,” she said. “You men are all alike. That’s the first thing he asked me about you, too.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bush and Cheney in a BarA guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney over there?' The barman says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?' Bush says, 'We're planning WW III '. The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Bush says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one Blonde with big boobs.' The guy exclaimed, 'A Blonde with big boobs? Why kill a Blonde with big boobs?' Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, 'See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: Toes Go In First. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEXUAL MATH98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating. Average: 3 times per week. (and... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery) (Kinsey, et al. 1948) Current population - 132,090,689 Men in the United States ASSUMPTIONS 1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate. LET'S DO THE NUMBERS 132,090,689 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week= 396,272,067 wack-offs/week. 6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week= 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week. 396,272,067 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week= 393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period. 393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor)= 385,265 wack-offs/ten-minute-period. CONCLUSION At any given moment (on average), 385,265 men in the United States are wacking-off. So.......... be careful who you shake hands with! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Another Fight"Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" asked Eddie. "And how'd this one end?" "When it was over, "Harry replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really?" Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAYDAY MAYDAY“Help! Mayday! Mayday! Dis plane gon crash! Help!” That was the sound of Juan Lopez, my traveling companion. He was seated next to the pilot who was knocked out cold and wedged into the pilot’s seat. We were flying from Playa del Carmen, Mexico back to Belize in a little three-seater Mexican plane. I woke up to see the pilot crumpled up in his seat, out like a light. “Dis pilot hit his head and he ain’t awake!” Juan yelled at me. A heavily accented voice came over the radio saying, “We have heard your Mayday call. This is the control tower. Calm down and don’t worry about anything. We are going to explain how to land this plane step-by-step. First, sir. Do you speak Spanish?” “Me? No. We in Mexico. I thought you was speaking Spanish.” “Never mind. How high are you and what is your position?” Johnny said, “I five foot six and I sitting right next to de pilot.” “No! No!” the tower said. “What’s your altitude and location? “I got a good attitude and I from San Pedro, Belize.” “No, señor! I need to know how many feet you are off the ground and how is your plane in relation to your airport.” “Counting me and Mr. Dennis and dis pilot we got six feets off the ground altogether and I don’ believe dis plane related to your airport.” There was a long silence before the control tower came back on the radio. “Sir, we need to know who is your next of kin.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE WOMENThe first said, 'My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.' The second said, 'Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.' The third said, 'Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESo they pick it up and a genie comes out " you each have 1 wish" says the genie "I wanna be smart enough to get off this island" said the first blonde. She turned into a red head and swam off the island. "I wanna find another way off the island" said the second blonde. She turned into a brunette and she built a raft and sailed off the island. "I wanna find an easier way to get off the island" said the third blonde. She turned into a man and walked off over the bridge!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HEAVENthe Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked. "I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka. The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand." "To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORShe went to a doctor to find out if there was another way to get bigger boobs other than surgery. He replied yes...all that you have to do is say oogy,oogy, oogy, I want bigger boobys; for 3 hours every day. She was walking down the street saying oogy, oogy,oogy, I want bigger boobies. All of a sudden a man walked up to her. He asked Dr. Haris, right? Yes she replied! how did you know? The man replied--Hickery--dickery--dock--! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAY YOUR SORRYThe boy said, “Dad, I want to get married.” “We’ll discuss it after you say you’re sorry,” his dad said. “Sorry for what?” “You have to say sorry.” His son said, “But what am I sorry for? What did I do?” “Just say sorry.” “But dad, what have I done wrong?” “You have to tell me you’re sorry.” “Why!?” “Say you’re sorry,” the father said. “I don’t understand,” the son said. “Please tell me why.” “You have to say it. Say you’re sorry.” “O.K. Dad. You win. I’m sorry.” His father said, “Very good. You’re finished training. When you learn to say you’re sorry for no reason at all, then you’re ready to get married.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DENTIST'S OFFICE“It’s usually about $125.” “What?!” the lady exclaimed. “That’s way too much. There must be someway you could do it cheaper than that.” “Well, if we don’t use anesthesia we can charge less. Numbing the pain is a big part of the expense. I could take about $40 off.” “That’s still $85 dollars,” she said. “That’s too much.” By this time it was clear that the dentist was joking but the lady was dead serious. “I don’t think I can go cheaper,” he said. “There must be some way.” “How about if I take the tooth out with a pair of pliers instead of using my new tooth extractor?” the doctor asked. “I could knock off another $50.” “That sounds good,” the lady said. “O.K.” the doctor told her. “For $35 we don’t numb the pain and we pull the tooth with my old rusty pliers. I warn you though, it will be painful.” “It will be fine,” she said. “I want to make an appointment for next Wednesday, for my husband Ben.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICE“I think I’ll fix you up with a hearing aid,” he said. “How much does a hearing aid cost?’ “Anywhere from $20 to $2,000.” “What? $2,000 for a hearing aid? What does the $2,000 one do that the $20 can’t do?” “Oh, you can hear any conversation clearly with the one for $2,000.” He held another one and said, “This is the $20 one.” “I don’t think I would like one like that with wires dangling down my neck. How well does it work.” “Oh, it doesn’t work at all,” the doctor said. “It’s a fake but when people see the wire running down your neck it makes them talk louder.” 
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