  THE COAST GUARDHe let’s me ride with them sometimes.” “Isn’t that illegal??” “Probably,” Mike said. “Anyway he asked me if I wanted to ride with them today. I told him I had company and he said to bring you along if you want to go.” We were enjoying the sunshine and the sea, when we came across a tiny rowboat. It had four Mexicans in it who were rowing North as fast as they could. The boat captain got out his bullhorn to talk to them. “Ahoy, the rowboat,” he shouted. “State your business and where you are going.” One of the Mexicans put his paddle down and stood up in the boat. “Gringos, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory stolen from our country one hundred and fifty years ago.” He resumed his seat in the rowboat and picked up his paddle. Everyone on the Coast Guard cutter started laughing. The captain finally quit laughing long enough to ask, “Just the four of you? Four Mexicans are going to invade the U.S.?” The Mexican stood up and yelled, “No; we’re the last four. The other twelve million are already there.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TEXTWe had been good friends for six or seven years. One day I got a phone text message from him. It said, ‘Dave, I have a confession to make. I have been using your wife. This has been going on day and night, usually when you’re not home but sometimes when you are there. In fact, I am probably using your wife more than you are. It will never happen again. Please accept my sincere apologies.” “I walked into my bedroom and got my pistol out of the drawer and shot my wife dead. About five minutes later my phone rang with a text message. It was from my neighbor and said, “Dave, damn this autocorrect on my phone. It typed in wife where I was trying to type wifi.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DEODORANT“Oh, I can explain that,” he said. “Back home in Oregon I use spray deodorant. When I ran out of deodorant here I went to a local store but they didn’t have spray deodorant. I bought a different kind and I finally had to read the directions to figure out how to use it.” “You had to get directions to use a deodorant?” “Yes. The instructions said, ‘Remove cap and push up bottom.’ I can barely walk but when I pass gas it smells amazing.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSwe'd both be wrong. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OLD MEXICAN ROADS“They have narrow roads, none of them have guard rails and all of the other drivers are crazy.” “Honk! Honk!” A bus nearly pushed our little car off the road as it went around us. We came around a curve and saw flashing red and blue lights ahead. “Uh-oh,” I said. “It looks like an accident.” When we got closer we could see where a vehicle had gone off the mountain. Two thousand feet below us was the remains of a Mexican bus. “What happened?’ I asked a man who was sitting on a rock and gazing down the mountainside.” “This is the bus that takes the women from our village to work at the hotels in Durango,” he said. “My wife rode this bus each morning for fifteen years.” He began to sob. A rescue worker came by and said, “Don Rafael, tears won’t bring your wife back.” “That’s not why I’m crying,” the man replied. “I’m crying because my wife caught this bus every morning for fifteen years and this morning she missed it.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE QUESTION"If you found yourself lost in the woods, with your ass all sore and covered in vasaline and bleeding, would you tell anyone?" The other man said, "No." The first man said, "Want to go camping?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Blonde Q & A'sA: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: Why was the Blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an "F" in sex. Q: What does a Blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working? A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH? A: A Blonde going through a flashing red light. Q: Why can't a Blonde get a drivers license? A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat. Q: How do you change a Blonde's mind? A: Buy her another beer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUPERMANdecided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change. He dropped by Batman's house. "Hey Batman," he said. "Wanna' go out tonight?" "No, I can't," replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime." "You loser," said Superman, and he flew away in disgust. He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he said. "I'd love to, but I can't," replied Spiderman. "My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime." Superman, all disgusted, quipped: "You loser. Go ahead--stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger." He again flew away. While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagled! Superman thought, "Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she'll never know the difference!" Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HOT DATE“Tell me about it.” “He showed up right on time,” Jan said. “He was dressed to the nines and he brought me some beautiful flowers. “Oh, my!” “When we went outside he had a rented limousine waiting to drive us to dinner. We ate caviar and champagne while we watched a show. It was one of the most exciting nights of my life. “ “Ooh, Jan! It sounds wonderful,” Margaret said. “What happened next?” “We went back to my place and did some snuggling and kissing on the couch and that’s when he turned into an animal. He ripped my dress off and had his way with me over and over.” “Oh, goodness gracious!” Margaret exclaimed. “So you’re saying I shouldn’t go out with him.” “Not at all,” Jan said. “I’m just saying wear an old dress.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSbut they have some good ideas! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOING TO HELLHe was really depressed as he stood in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thought to himself, "I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he saw that it was his turn to be processed into Hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the counselor. The counselor said, "What's the problem, you look depressed?" The man responded, "Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell." The counselor said, "Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?" The man said, "Sure, I love to drink." The counselor replied, "Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?" The man said, "Yes, as a matter of fact I do." The counselor replied, "You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?" The man said, "Well in my younger days I experimented a little." The counselor replied, "You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?" The man said, "Yes, I love to gamble." The counselor replied, "You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night--black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?" The man said, "Well, no I'm not." The counselor replied, "Oh, Fridays then, uh, will certainly be a new experience for you..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CENSUS FORMIn answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents? I put ....... *12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads and various unemployable bastards. *the cast of the Jerry Springer Show *100,000 people in our 133 penal establishments *leftover unemployables from Katrina *half of Mexico *Congress and the Senate! Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A MAN'S PRAYER BEFORE DINNEREarlier in my life I was often hungry and you took the hunger away. I thank you for that.” He paused. “You gave me childhood and took it away. You gave me youth and you took that away. You gave me health and you saw fit to take that away, too. Then you gave me a wife. That was thirty-four years ago.” He paused again. “God, I’m just reminding you about the wife. Amen.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SUPERMARKET'You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' 'Why?' she asks. 'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOLF BUDDY FOR DINNERThis guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade. "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, and the dishes aren't done. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas?? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?" “Because he’s thinking of getting married..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKHe was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him. 'Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers.' 'Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!' 'Sir, please get off the mop bucket.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUCCESS ISAt age 4 success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is having friends. At age 16 success is having a drivers license. At age 20 success is having sex. At age 35 success is having money. At age 50 success is having money. At age 60 success is having sex. At age 70 success is having a drivers license. At age 75 success is having friends. At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 15th Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11th Don't ever forget SEPTEMBER 11, 2001! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARBER SHOP“I wouldn’t mind having a good old fashioned barber shop shave,” Charlie said. “I can’t shave myself with a straight razor but I like a good straight razor shave.” As we sat in the barber chairs a very pretty woman came out of the back room. She wasn’t just pretty. She was drop-dead gorgeous. “Hello,” she said. “I’m Maria and I do manicures and pedicures.” “No thanks,” I said. “I’m good.” “I’ll try a pedicure,” Charlie said. “I’ve never had one.” As Maria worked on Charlie’s feet I could see him trying to stare down her low-cut blouse. “Uh-oh!” I thought. “Here comes trouble.” Sure enough, Charlie soon said, “Maria, you sure are pretty. Can I take you out for a drink?” “Oh, no,” she said. “I couldn’t do that.” “Well, why don’t you come over to my hotel room later and spend some time.” Maria said, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like it.” “Tell him you’re working overtime,” Charlie said. “I’ll pay you the difference.” She said, “Why don’t you tell him? You’re a lot closer to him than I am.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARin a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThere was a sign on the inside of her door that said, "Do Not Disturb." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DETENTION AGAIN“Wait!” I called. “Is he in the corner again?” “Yes,” “What did he do?” “He hit Melinda.” Just then a little girl came out of class and ran up to her mom, “Mom! Mom! Guess what. Billy kissed me today!” “Oh, my God, Melinda! He kissed you?” “He sure did,” the little girl said, proudly. “How did that happen?” “It wasn’t easy. It took three other girls to help me catch him and hold him down,” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThe bartender says,"Whats the trouble"? The guy says,"I married Miss Right". The bartender says,"So whats the problem"? The guy says,"I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BEDROOMin bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain." The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now." The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAST REQUESTand she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun...'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HOSPITALThe operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSshoot first and call whatever you hit the "target" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sister Mary CatherineBecause............ She was caught doing Push-ups in the Cucumber garden. 
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