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NEW Added on 8/31/2016


This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.

When she gets home her husband asks,

'So how did the appointment go?'

She replies, 'He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.

Her husband says,

'Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your lazy fat ass?'

She says, 'Oh...Your name didn't come up.'


NEW Added on 8/30/2016


If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes

why do some people have more than one child?


NEW Added on 8/29/2016


A Man walked into the local welfare Office to pick up his check,

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter said,

"Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but....

you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges....

as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,

"You're bullshittin' me"!

The social worker said,

"Yeah, well . . You started it".


NEW Added on 8/28/2016


A Jewish man was riding on the subway reading a copy of Louis Farrakhan's newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car,

noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader:

"Moshe, have you lost your mind?

Why are you reading that garbage newspaper?"

Moshe replied:

"I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find?

Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through

assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.

So I switched to Louis Farrakhan's newspaper.

Now what do I find?

Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful,

Jews rule the world!

The news is so much better!"


NEW Added on 8/27/2016


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


NEW Added on 8/26/2016


Q: What do you call a dead Blonde in a closet?
A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.

Q: What do you do when a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: Did you hear about the Blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly.

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another Blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.


NEW Added on 8/25/2016


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


NEW Added on 8/24/2016


Opportunity only knocks, but ...........

Temptation leans on the doorbell.


NEW Added on 8/23/2016


A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

Once he is in the bar he tells all the patrons that for a round of drinks from everyone present
he will insert his penis into the alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed.

All the bar patrons accept the dare and each put up a drink.

The man walks up to the alligator, takes his penis out and puts it into the
alligator's mouth.

He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head.

The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his penis unscathed.

The crowd is left in awe.

The man then says,

'If there is anyone here who is willing to do the same thing, I will give them $500.''

From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says,

''I'll do it, if you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''


NEW Added on 8/22/2016


A Blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."

The question was,

"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked,

"Is it on or off?"


NEW Added on 8/21/2016


A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bar stool and orders a cold one.

He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another.

He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one.

This goes on for at least an hour and a half.

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says,

'I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask.

Why the whole 'drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one' routine?'

'Well,' slurred the man, 'there's a picture of my wife in my pocket.

When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home.'


NEW Added on 8/20/2016


Jim is out in the country with his new bride.

They watch as a bull comes over the rise and services six cows in a row,

one after the other.

His wife says,

"It's a shame a man can't perform like that."

Jim answers,

"We could, if we got to change cows every time."


NEW Added on 8/19/2016


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


NEW Added on 8/18/2016


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over,

shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants

when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket..

The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..

My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan

.. she had just bought me that Kimber custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday,

and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ...

Isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants.

I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.

(That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.

Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card.

The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.

[That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .....

After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI,

while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat

(I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ...

But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues,

and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider,

the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours.
Semper fi,


NEW Added on 8/17/2016


Lord Grant Me the Serenity To Accept

The Things I Cannot Change........

The Courage to Change The Things I Can...........

And The Wisdom..........

To Hide The Bodies Of The Bastards I Had To Kill....

Because They Really Pissed Me Off.


NEW Added on 8/16/2016


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


NEW Added on 8/15/2016


A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build

things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English,

so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief,

"This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,

"This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of Heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching them

how to be civilized and kind to each other,

How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."


NEW Added on 8/14/2016


Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president....

and 50 for Miss America ?


NEW Added on 8/13/2016


A man goes to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter, and tells the druggist,

"I have three girls coming to my place tonight.

I've never been with more than one.

I need something to keep me sexually aroused."

The druggist unlocks the bottom drawer and pulls out a strongbox.

He unlocks the padlock to reveal a bunch of little boxes, and says,

"One of these will keep you going for a whole day."

The customer says, "I'll take three." He pays for them a walks out.

Three days later the man returns to the pharmacy.

His penis is dangling out of his pants. It's black and blue, covered with scabs,

with flaps of skin hanging off of it.

He walks up to the counter and asks the druggist,

"Do you have any Ben Gay?"

The shocked druggist replies, "You're not going to use Ben Gay on that!"

"No," the man said, "The Ben Gay's for my arms.

The girls never showed up!"


NEW Added on 8/12/2016


I used to be indecisive........

Now I'm not so sure.


NEW Added on 8/11/2016


A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied,

"and what was your third question?"


NEW Added on 8/10/2016


When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember..........

that the Fire Department usually uses water.


NEW Added on 8/9/2016


Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,

'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern,

Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile,

Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

Mom fainted


NEW Added on 8/8/2016


Two Mafia men finally caught up with Jose in a downtown bar.

"Jose, we know you stole our money and we want it back, right now."

"No spicka d english," says Jose.

The Mafia looked around and one of them yelled.

"Anybody in here speak spanish?"

"I do," said the bartender.

"Tell him what we said."

The bartender told Jose what the two men had said.

"Oh-H, No me. Me Jose Garcia and me no take no money."

The bartender repeated the statement to the two Mafia men.

"Tell him we KNOW he took our money and if he gives it back right now
we will let him live."

After the bartender repeated the message Jose started shaking his head
and denying any knowledge of the money.

Seeing this, the two gangsters started drawing their guns.

The bartender yelled. "Jose they are gonna kill you right now."

With this, Jose, wild eyed, came clean.

"The money is down at the Santa Maria Church under the steps.

Its the third step up and the fourth brick over.

Its alla there I no spenda any of it."

"What’d he say," asked the Mafia guys.

The bartender looked them in the eye.

"He says to tell you he ain’t afraid to die."


NEW Added on 8/7/2016


A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said,

'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat

of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying

and broke and made a mess.'

'And what's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said,

'Our family are farmers, too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks

and the moral to this story is,

don't count your chickens until they're hatched.'

'That was a fine story Lucy.

Johnny, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes, ma'am!

My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge.

She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was

a bottle of whiskey,

a machine gun

and a Machete.

So... she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break.

Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets!

Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke;

then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher,

'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

' 'Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking.'


NEW Added on 8/6/2016


Now that I'm smart enough to watch my step..........

I'm too tired to go anywhere


NEW Added on 8/5/2016


As a painless way to save money, a young couple decided that every time

they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank

on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank

to the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins,

there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife what's up.

"Well," she replied,

"Not everyone is as cheap as you are."


NEW Added on 8/4/2016


A Blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says,

"How often do I have to do that?"


NEW Added on 8/3/2016


Grandma writes:
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a
"Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it
on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed.
That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really
love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled,
"Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game
with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"!

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved
and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from
Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a
sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his
middle finger stuck up in the air.

I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian
good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck
sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted
to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I
stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car
to get across the intersection.

I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a
big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all,


NEW Added on 8/2/2016


Know how to prevent sagging skin?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


NEW Added on 8/1/2016


* Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself those new clubs.

* Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

* Not the mall again! Come on let's go to that new strip joint!

* I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year.

You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

* Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire

and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

* I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you...