THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
After his check-up, the doctor calls her into his office and says,
"Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, which,
combined with stress, will kill him in a few months.
What you have to do is, each morning, fix him a nice breakfast, and be pleasant.
Make him a nice lunch to take to work, and for dinner,
make meals for him you know he'll enjoy.
Don't give him too much to do around the house, especially after he's had a hard day.
And don't burden him with too many of your problems, because that'll only increase his stress.
And most importantly, make love to him a couple of times a week.
If you can do this for the next ten months,
I think your husband could regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband says,
"What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're gonna die."
THE ANNOYING BRAT
''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,
''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid laughs and says,
''I would be a bus driver!''
so she decided to fix it by dying her hair brown.
Well, she was driving along a country road one day when she saw a shepherd with his flock.
She decided to see if she could pass as a brunette and if she did indeed get any smarter.
She pulled over to the side of the road and asked the shepherd if she could guess
how many sheep he had she could have one.
The shepherd thought this was an unusual request, but he agreed.
The Blonde thought about it for a minute and said, "one hundred and fifty."
The shepherd said she was right and that she could pick a sheep to take home.
She did and as she was putting it into the trunk of the car, the shepherd stopped her and said,
"If I can guess your real haircolor, can I have my dog back?"
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
the physician told the patient on whom he had performed a battery of costly tests.
"You have approximately six months to live."
"But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy,
"and I can't skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!"
"All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months, then."
Q & A
A. Because one is not enough and three is too many.
the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says:
' My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.
The next little boy says:
' I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.
Then one little boy says:
'My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a bar for gay men!.
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject,
but later in the school yard at recess all the little kids ask Jimmy if
it was really really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said that his Dad is really a lawyer,
but he was too embarrassed to say so!
but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I WAS HOME SCHOOLED
1. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
2. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
3. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
4. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
5. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
6. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
7. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they do to you what you are doing to me!"
"What is the time difference between Paris and Las Vegas"?
The operator said, "Just a minute..."
The Blonde said thanks and hung up!
THE DANCING DUCK
watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck.
After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000.00 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
"Your duck is a rip-off!
I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner,
"did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
I WAS HOME SCHOOLED
1. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
2. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
3. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
4. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your father gets home."
5. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from both me and your father when he get's home!"
6 My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: Why did the Blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
I WAS HOME SCHOOLED
1. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
2. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
3. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
4. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all
the people sitting at the bar and asks,
"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says,
"Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around
at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying,
"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says,
"Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender says to the little drunk,
"It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink,
but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies,
"Any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!
I WAS HOME SCHOOLED
1. My father taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why ."
2. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
3. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you get hit by a car."
4. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep on crying, and I'll really give you something to cry about."
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
"I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the smallest weiner the nurse had ever seen.
It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle,
but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part,
she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.
"I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse
I promise that won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
A few minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat.
Her husband says "Hey how did you get this?"
She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share.
This happens a few times, first the coat and then a car and then jewelry etc.
One night the wife gets home really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath,
which he then does. But only fills it up an inch.
She gets in and says to him "Why did you put in so little water?"
"Well, WE DON'T WANT YOUR LOTTO TICKET GETTING WET NOW DO WE?!"
RENT FOR APARTMENT
So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him,
but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised,
deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment
I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied,
that there was no heat,
and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
alone at the bar.
After an hour of screwing up his courage he heads over to her and asks tentatively,
"Uh, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the poor guy is completely embarrassed and he walks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200 an hour!"
THE PICK UP
gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne
to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl,
saying this is from the gentleman.
She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man.
The note reads:
'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million in the bank,
and 9 inches in your trousers.'
Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her.
'Just so you know - I have a Mercedes and a BMW,
and over TEN million in the bank.
But not even for YOU, sweetheart, would I cut 2 inches off.
So send back the bottle.'
He will drag you down to his level and then beat you with his experience.
THE LADY & THE COP
He asked for her drivers license and insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman.
In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit.
He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something, body language or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms.
She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.
Now he had to ask one more time if that was all,
and she responded once again she did have just one more,
a .38 special in her purse.
The officer then asked her what was she so afraid of?
She looked him right in the eye and said.......
"Not a damn thing!"
THE OLD COUPLE
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared,
where Andy had carved.....
I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
“Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Andy said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile
The cops turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......
The first police officer turned to his partner and said,
We’re outta here!
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
THE OLD MEN
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me .... I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is..
His friend stared at him for at least three minutes
he just stared and stared at him.
Finally he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
THE NURSING HOME
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.'
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair..
Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex...'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
'I'll take the soup.'
WHAT THE PERFECT WIFE WOULD SAY
* I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
* I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
* No, no ... I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
* Your mother did a great job raising you.
who wished he had never been born.
He wouldn’t have been........
If his father had seen....
That the end of his condom was torn!