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ALEX HUNTER......
PHOTOGRAPHY

"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.

JOKES

June 2016


Las Vegas Adult Entertainment







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NEW Added on 6/30/2016

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Some people cause happiness wherever they go.........

Others whenever they go.......


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NEW Added on 6/29/2016

Q and A

Q. Why don't blind people skydive?

A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.


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NEW Added on 6/28/2016

CONDOMS

A man enters a drugstore and demands.....

'Give me a pack of condoms.'

"What size?", says the assistant.

"I don't know..."

"Well, take this board with holes, go to the Men's Room and measure."

In 10 minutes the man comes back:

"I've changed my mind,

I don't need the condoms.

How much is this board?"


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NEW Added on 6/27/2016

LAWYER JOKES Q & A

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet.




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NEW Added on 6/26/2016

SCHOOL SEX

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was.

He replies, 'I had sex with my teacher today.'

'Oh my god!

You get to your room!

Wait till your father comes home!!!', says the mom.

Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says,

'Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today.'

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.

'I told her I had sex with my teacher today,' replied the boy.

'Alright! That's my boy!', says dad.

'Ya know son, women just don't think like men.

But I'm proud of you.

What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son!

Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you
that new shiny bike you've been wanting!'

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest
bike in the whole town.

'You gonna ride it home son?' asks dad.

The boy replied,

'Nah, my ass is still sore.'


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NEW Added on 6/25/2016

LAWYER JOKES Q & A

Q. What do you get when you cross a sleazy politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. Chelsea Clinton.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. You shoot the lawyer....Twice.


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NEW Added on 6/24/2016

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

He won't expect it back.


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NEW Added on 6/23/2016

BLONDE JOKE

Three Blondes are sitting in a bar chanting "51 days."

After a while the bartender says to them,

"Ladies, for the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting 51 days.

Why?"

The Blondes stop chanting and look up.

"Well," says one of the Blondes,

"we just finished a puzzle."

"So. What does that have to do with anything?"

the bartender asked.

"Well, the box says 3 to 5 years.

We finished it in 51 days,"


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NEW Added on 6/22/2016

RANDOM THOUGHTS

The Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,'

and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


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NEW Added on 6/21/2016

The Confessional

A priest was called away for an emergency and not wanting to leave the

confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street

and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say,

but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit

and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says,

'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The priest asks, 'What did you do?'

The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'

Priest, 'How many times?'

Woman, 'Three times.'

Priest, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the poor box, and go and sin no more.'

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional.

He says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

Priest, 'What did you do?'

Man, 'I committed adultery.'

Priest: 'How many times?'

Man, 'Three times.'

Priest, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the poor box, and go and sin no more.'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says,

'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

Rabbi, 'What did you do?'

Woman, 'I committed adultery.'

Rabbi, 'How many times?'

Woman, 'Once.'

Rabbi, 'Go do it two more times.

We have a special this week, three for $5.'


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NEW Added on 6/20/2016

RANDOM THOUGHTS

You do not need a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


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NEW Added on 6/19/2016

HORSY RIDE

One day, little Johnny comes home from kindergarten for lunch.

Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.

He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch,

stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.

Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.

Johnny watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,

"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?"

"Of course, Son, we're a family."

So Johnny climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

"Hang on Dad!", cries Johnny,

"this is where me and Uncle Ted usually fall off!"


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NEW Added on 6/18/2016

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Money can't buy happiness......

but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


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NEW Added on 6/17/2016

THE LITTLE BOY

A boy told his mom,

'I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room.

Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?'

His mom said,

'Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him.'

The boy replied,

'Oh then you're wasting your time.

The lady next door blows him back up every day.'


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NEW Added on 6/16/2016

BLONDE JOKES

Q: What do Blondes and condoms have in common?
A: They are usually in your wallet!

Q: What do you call a smart Blonde?
A: A golden retriever.



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NEW Added on 6/15/2016

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Walking every day can add to your life.

Not Drinking or Smoking can also add to your life.

This will enable you at 85 years old

to spend an additional 11 months in a nursing home

at $7000 per month.


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NEW Added on 6/14/2016

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: Part 2

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym
has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy drunk and make fun of you and your friends.


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NEW Added on 6/13/2016

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: Part 1

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap SOB!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.




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NEW Added on 6/12/2016

I WAS HOME SCHOOLED


(Thanks To Ben in Dallas)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."


2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."


3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


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NEW Added on 6/11/2016

RANDOM THOUGHTS

War does not determine who is right......

only who is left.


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NEW Added on 6/10/2016

Things NOT to Say To a Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic and yes, I know there are no other cars around.
That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . . your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with,
"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"



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NEW Added on 6/9/2016

EARL AND BUBBA

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,

"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over.............

women like that are hard to find."


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NEW Added on 6/8/2016

BLONDE JOKE


Two Blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road.

The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.


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NEW Added on 6/7/2016

RANDOM THOUGHTS

We never really grow up......

we only learn how to act in public.


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NEW Added on 6/6/2016

THE BLONDE INDIAN GUIDE

There were two Indians and a Blonde Indian guide walking along together in the desert,

when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave.

He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then

listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"

He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The Blonde Indian guide was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about,

was that Indian goofy or something.

"No," said the other Indian.

"It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"

and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you."

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave,

then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"

When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came his clothes

and into the cave he goes.

The Blonde Indian guide started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women

that the Indians had talked about.

All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.

As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave!

It's bigger than the ones that those Indians found.

She must be really great to be in this cave!"

Well... he took-off up the hill at a superfast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur.

He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"

He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of,

"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day in the newspaper the headlines read:

Naked Blonde Indian Guide Run Over By Freight Train!!


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NEW Added on 6/5/2016

RANDOM THOUGHTS

To steal ideas from one person is called plagiarism.

To steal ideas from many is called research.


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NEW Added on 6/4/2016

THREE DRUNKS

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub

late one night and found themselves on the road which led past

the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy,

"it's Michael O'Grady's grave,

God bless his soul.

He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean,

"here's one named Patrick O'Toole,

it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out,

"Forget him, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit,

awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker,

and exclaims,

"Miles to Dublin."


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NEW Added on 6/3/2016

LAWYER Q & A

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


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NEW Added on 6/3/2016

THE OPTICIAN

A guy goes to the optician.

The Doctor tells him,

'You've got to stop masturbating!'

'Why Doc,' he asked, 'am I going blind?'

'No,' the Doctor explained,

'but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!'


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NEW Added on 6/2/2016

THE DRUNK

A drunk walks into a restaurant and asks for a dish of prunes.

The waiter asks, "Stewed, sir?"

and the drunk replies,

"Thash none of you bizhnesh."


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NEW Added on 6/1/2016

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,

"Phone Number to call in case of emergency".....

I put " 9 1 1 "