THE PERFECT WIFE WILL SAY
* I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
* Let's subscribe to Hustler.
NATURALLY GOOD LOOKS
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'
'Hell,' said Herman,
'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
THE NEW PANTIES
A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead sex life.
After cooking his favorite meal for dinner one evening,
she had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa
directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair.
After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment,
she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view.
It wasn't long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked,
" Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
" Y -e-s," She answered coyly with a seductive smile.
" Thank God!" he said,"
I thought you were sitting on the cat."
THE SENILITY PRAYER
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
THE LITTLE BOY
her private area.
The little boy asked, "Mommy, what is that?"
She replied, "this is my washcloth."
The little boy went on his way.
One evening the woman and her husband were beginning to make love
and he asked her to do something different and shave her hair off.
A week or so after that the little boy had walked in on his mother again but this time
she didn't have any hair.
So the little boy asked with concern, "Mommy, what happen to your washcloth?"
She replied, "I lost it."
Later that day the little boy came running up to his mom and said,
"Mommy, I found your washcloth."
She replied confused, "Where did you find it?"
He told her that the lady next door was washing Daddy's face with it!
They each bought a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed
in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it,
as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink,
but then held it out over the beer and yelled,
'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!'
that you will look forward to the trip :-)
IN THE BAR
One man said, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?"
The other man said, "No! Is it true?"
"Yes," said the first man.
"If you drink too much....
you start talking insistently and you drive like an idiot."
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'
Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute!'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful', it was now 'cute'.
She said, 'What happened to 'beautiful'?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off!'
THE VACUUM CLEANER SALESMAN
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady.
'I haven't got any money' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said.
'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet,
Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
'Well,' she said,
'I hope you have a damned good appetite,
because the electricity was cut off this morning.'
LAWYER Q & A
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says,
'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you......
as soon as I see who's at the door.'
his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep,
and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank
and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked,
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious."You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE,
You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ.
Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives,
so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a man lies,
it is for a good and honorable reason,
and it's always for the benefit of others.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it! -
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before...........
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....
crying and asked her what had happened and the Blonde said that her mother
had passed away.
The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the Blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying again.
The blonde replied,
"I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!
'My son,' the first one says, 'started out washing cars at dealership,
but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!'
'My son,' said the second, 'started out serving lunch in a real estate office,
but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!'
'My son,' said the third, 'started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange,
but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends
$1,000,000 in stock.'
'Well,' the fourth guy said, 'my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment.
He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends.
On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars,
and a million dollars in stock for his birthday.'
'Why?' asks his father.
'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?'
I said '6''.
'But that's right,' said his father.
'Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?''
'What's the goddam difference?' asks his father.
'That's what I said!'
'Daddy, is God a man or a woman?'
'Both son. God is both.'
After a while the kid comes again and asks,
'Daddy, is God black or white?'
'Both son, both.'
The child returns a few minutes later and says,
'Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?'
He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.
Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and
proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled
to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
'How'd you get down here so fast?' he asked. 'We were just making love!'
'Oh my God,' his wife gasped, 'That's my mother up there!
She came over and complained of having a headache.
I told her to lie down for a while.'
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
'Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?'
The mother-in-law huffed,
'I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!'
making your guests feel like they're at home....
even if you wish they were.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A woman will dress up to go shopping,
water the plants,
empty the trash,
answer the phone,
read a book,
and get the mail..........
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
THE MOUNTAIN BIKE
$600 mountain bike.
'How'd you get that, son?'
'Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $50 to take a hike.'
dared her to climb this pole that was nearby.
Never having backed off a dare, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
'Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your panties?'
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive,
and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home
she was beaming.
'What are you so happy about?' asked her mother.
'I totally showed them.
Today I didn't even wear panties.'
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
20 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'd bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never???? Is never good for you????
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you are saying.
10. I see your point, but I still think you are full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant..
LAWYER Q & A
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.