HEF's 90th BIRTHDAY
Saturday April 9th
She explained the situation to the 911 dispatcher:
'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the gas pedal!'She cried..
The 911 dispatcher said,
'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard'.
He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled.
"Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down
and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the
new sign which read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh.'
'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest
penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
'I'm so sorry,' he said. 'I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?'
THE TRAVELING SALESMAN
The farmer says,
"You can spend the night but you'll have to share a room with my beautiful daughter."
"Oh, I don't mind that," exclaims the salesman.
"Just one thing," says the farmer. "No funny business."
"Oh no sir," says the salesman. "You can count on me."
Just to be safe, the farmer builds a wall of eggs between the two beds
in the daughter's room.
In the middle of the night, the salesman can no longer control himself,
he busts through the eggs and has his way with the farmer's daughter.
They take the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one
and rebuilding the wall.
The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter's room and takes a couple eggs
to the kitchen to make breakfast.
Cracking open the first egg, of course, produces nothing.
Cracking open the second egg, likewise.
The farmer pokes his head out the window and yells,
"OK, which one of you roosters is using a condom?"
LAWYER Q & A
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS
The doctor duly arrives and say's to the man,
'I have some good news and some bad news'.
The man replies 'I can take it Doc give me the bad news'
The Doc replies 'I'm terribly sorry but we have to amputate both your legs'
The man replies 'Well Doc this is terrible.
At least I have the good news to come, go on Doc give it to me'
Doc replies 'Do you see the man in the opposite bed'
Man replies 'Yes, what about him?'
Doc replies 'He said he would buy your slippers'
'For fast relief.'
The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model
danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state
of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first priest candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.
Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......
THE UGLY BABY
The bus driver said: 'That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.'
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat
near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.
'The bus driver insulted me,' she fumed.
The man sympathized and said,
'Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.'
'You're right!' the woman said,
'I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!'
'That's a good idea,' the man said,
'Here, let me hold your monkey.'
It turns out I just wanted paychecks.
One guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled,
'Just what the hell you are doing?'
'Well,' said the guy,
'You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense,
so I had to massage your back.
Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!'
'That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!' the guy replied.
'I work for the Internal Revenue.
Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?'
He says, 'I want your fattest ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich.'
The Madam says,
'For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf.'
The trucker says,
'I ain't horny, I'm homesick.'
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
THE CONSTRUCTION SITE
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says,
"You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy,
"You're in charge of supplies."
He then says,
"Now, I have to leave for a little while.
I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns,
the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom.
You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies,
but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says,
And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel!
Ye left th' Chinese gentleman in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy ...
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells
. . . . . . SUPPLIES!
LAWYER Q & A
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, 'Not bad,
Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast.'
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.
The golf pro says, 'Excellent!'
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: 'Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's privates.'
She swings and the ball only goes 10 yards.
Golf pro: 'Try taking the club out of your mouth.'
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
SAVING IT FOR MARRIAGE
came upon a young boy who was masturbating.
"My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest.
"You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man,
in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me
masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it
for when I get married," said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back
of my pickup truck.
Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies.
'Great,' said the teacher, 'that's very important. '
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about
people getting married.
'Well, that has to do with it too,' said the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians
came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all.
The teacher said,
'Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.'
'Yes it does,' said Johnny,
' it taught those Indians not to screw with John Wayne.'
HAPPY 90th BIRTHDAY
Saturday April 9th
LAWYER Q & A
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
'Would you like to dance?'
The girl says,
'I wouldn't be seen with you in a million years and I wouldn't dance
with you if your life depended on it!.'
The guy says,
'I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me,
I said you look fat in those pants.'
Then things get worse.
THE POWER OF ADVERTISING
You go up to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?".
That's direct marketing.
You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room.
You give your friend ten bucks.
He goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?"
You go to a party, you see a sexy girl across the room.
She comes over and says,
"Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
Now, that's the Power of Advertising!
LAWYER Q & A
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
MAD COW DISEASE
Lady TV reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The farmer stared at the reporter and said;
Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information
but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?
Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss.
Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day....
and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ...
Three Children In Heaven
They go to heaven. When God saw them he said
'This is a terrible mistake, you should not have died,
I must send you back to earth.
Because of all the trauma you have gone through
I will grant you each one wish.
As you jump off the cloud shout your wish and it will be granted,
and you will not remember any of this.'
The first child jumps and shouts 'LAWYER!'
20 years later he is the best defense lawyer ever, earning millions.
The second child jumps and shouts 'BRAIN SURGEON!'
20 years later he is the best in the world,
saving hundreds of lives every year.
The third child jumps and trips, and as he falls over he mumbles,
20 years later he plays for the NY Mets!
LAWYER Q & A
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
THE LOCKER ROOM
Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are.
I just saw a beautiful
mink coat. It's Only $3,500!
Can I buy it?"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it if you like."
I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2011 models.
I saw one I really liked.
I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...
and since we need to trade in the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $80,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else...
It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped
by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $1,950,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have enough in the bank
to cover the down payment."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,850,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"
"Bye. I love you too."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and calls out:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"