  THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Funeral Processiona most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?' The woman replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my husband.' 'What happened to him?' The woman replied, 'My dog attacked and killed him.' She inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?' The woman answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.' A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. 'Could I borrow that dog?' 'Get in line.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BEARAll of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, 'What are you doing?' He says, 'I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it.' The second guy says, 'Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear.' The first guy says, 'I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTORS OFFICEThe doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this.......... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor? ' The old man replied, 'Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MARRIAGEHer mother said, "Oy, that's great." The girl said, "But Ma, he's not Jewish, he's Greek." Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great." The girl said, "But Ma, he's a Greek Shipping Tycoon. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives." Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Ma, I love my Greek Tycoon, but my God, all he wants to do is have anal sex. Day and night, all he'll do is anal sex. When I got married, my little flower was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar." Her mother said, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER Q & AWITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO ITALIAN VIRGINSHowever, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call the groom's mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, 'Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!' and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, 'Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BIKERabout to jump off a bridge, so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job?" So, she does. After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was the best blow job I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting! You could be a porn star! Why are you committing suicide?" She answers, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SLEEPING CARfind themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train... After their initial embarrassment has worn off, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, 'I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering.... if you could possibly pass me another blanket.' The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, 'I've got a better idea... let's pretend we are married.' 'Why not?' giggles the woman. 'Good', he replies. 'Get your own blanket.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER Q & AWITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE OLD LADIESOne lady says, 'You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.' The second lady says, 'You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!' The third lady smiles smugly, 'Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood,' she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, 'Who's there?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OLD COUPLEso they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen.... and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA woman has the last word in any argument Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WEDDING NIGHTand demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin.... caused by corporate downsizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank.... while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, 'If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THOUGHT FOR THE DAYWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER Q & ACALIFORNIA WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PICK-UPWhile at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a very beautiful Blonde woman. So they go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while he climaxes loudly, rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "Are you'a finish?" After a slight pause she replies, "No." Surprised, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her.... and has his way with her again-- this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette and asks, "You'a finish?" Again, after a short pause, she simply says, "No." Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he mounts her again. This time with all the strength he could muster. He barely manages to end the task, but he does. Exhausted, he reaches for his cigarette. "So'a, you'a finish, or what?!" "No," comes her reply. "Im'a Swedish." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. "Get off me dad! You're crushing my Camels!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BRAGGINGAfter a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. 'Last night I made love to my wife four times,' the Frenchman bragged, 'and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.' 'Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,' the Englishman responded, 'and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.' When the Italian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, 'And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?' 'Once,' he replied. 'Only once?' the Frenchman arrogantly snorted. 'And what did she say to you this morning?' 'Don't stop.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER Q & AWITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, aftershave, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN vs WOMENIt's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replied, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!' 'This must be a sign from God!' The woman continued, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER Q & AWITNESS: No, I just lie there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Memory Laneand as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met. While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, 'Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and we had great sex!' 'Why, yes I remember it well dear,' replies the little old lady with a grin. 'Well, for old time's sake, lets go there and do it again' They pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old folks at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees them near the gas works. The little old lady lifts up her dress, and the old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips. The little old lady reaches for the fence to steady herself. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for a hour. Well, the young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, 'I have to know his secret. If only I could perform like that now, let alone fifty years from now!' The two old folks have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the young man approaches the old man. He says, 'Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody perform like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret, could you perform like that fifty years ago?' The old man replies, 'Son, fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMENIf Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wild Man. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER Q & AWITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Philadelphia CopsThe cop walks up and taps on the window with his baton, the driver rolls down the window and 'WHACK', the cop smacks him in the head with the baton. The driver says, 'What the hell was that for?' The cop says, 'You're in Philadelphia, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.' The driver says, 'I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here.' The cop runs a check on the guy's license and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and 'WHACK', the cop smacks him with the baton, too. The passenger says, 'What did you do that for?' The cop says, 'Just making your wish come true.' The passenger says, 'What do you mean by that?' The cop says, 'Well, I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that son-of-a-bitch had tried that shit with me.'' 
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