  BLONDE JOKESt. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...' 'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?' The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.' St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?' The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.' 'Oh?' says St. Peter, incredulously. 'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.' St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, 'Every February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER Q & AWITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FARMERHe was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look. It says: "Now there are two." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ASHESand she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get a couple of glasses of wine, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a small jar on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my husband's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I'm sorry..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE ONE LINERSA: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it! Q: Why do Blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER Q & AWITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONDOMSBeing a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, 'What are these things daddy?' His dad said, 'Condoms son.' The boy asked, 'Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?' The dad replied, 'The packs with one are for teenagers, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for college students, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HONEYMOONare not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEfinally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history. "So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "Hell,I haven't been home yet." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ROYAL WEDDINGsurrounded by all of her Brides Maids. She suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DADDY, WHAT IS SEX?She asked him, ",Daddy, what is sex?", The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, ",Why did you ask this question?", The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.", ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bedside ConfessionJulie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ELDERLY COUPLEtime to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather hopefully. 'Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,' she responded. The old guy paused.... then he asked, 'Was that one word or two?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE 747After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and... - OH MY GOD!" Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BARBIEand he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have..... 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $18.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $18.95 ... 'Barbie goes shopping for $18.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $18.95... 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $18.95 ... and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $18.95?" Dad asked surprised. Simple..."Divorced Barbie comes with....... Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Money, Ken's American Express and Ken's Furniture." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FANTASY ISLANDso when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded.... on a desert island with six gorgeous women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. All the women agreed that each could have him for one night a week, giving him one day to relax and regain his strength. Phillip threw himself into this arrangement with gusto, but as the weeks turned into months, he found himself looking forward to that single day of rest more and more eagerly. One afternoon he was sitting on the beach.... wishing for another man to come along and share his workload, when he caught sight of a man waving from a raft.... that was bobbing on the waves in the distance. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and danced a little jig of happiness. 'You will not believe how happy I am to see you,' he cried. The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, 'You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!' 'Shoot,' sighed Phillip, 'there go my Sundays...' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A HELPING HANDand sees this guy standing next to the urinal with no arms... As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK" Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT... " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DEAR AIRLINESReplace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight strippers wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right. A golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GENIEthird hole which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their dismay, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife said, 'Do you live here?' 'No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over that little bottle you see there and freed me from my imprisonment. I am so grateful,' he answered. The wife said, 'Are you a genie?' 'Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes; the third I will keep for myself,' the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes: one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said , 'Done!' The genie now said, 'For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.' The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, 'How long have you been married?', to which she responded, 'Three years.' The genie then asked, 'How old is you husband?', to which she responded, '31 years old.' The genie then asked, 'How long has he believed in this genie crap?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAHARA DESERT DUTYOnce he was over there for a while he began to get real horny. He went to see the captain in the head tent. He told the captain that he really needed a woman. The captain told him he could use the camel in the other tent. The guy said thanks but no thanks I'll just wait. So he went on about his business. A few weeks went by and the need for a woman returned even more prominent than before. He headed back to the captains tent to talk to him about it again. The captain then said the same thing concerning the use of the camel. The guy declined again and again left the captains tent feeling very bad. A few more weeks go by and the guy just cant take it anymore. He heads back to the captains tent fully intending to use the camel as the captain had offered twice before. He walks in and tells the captain that he'll take the camel and then asks where it is? The captain and his friend show the guy to the tent where the camel is being kept. The guy sizes up the camel trying to figure out just how hes going to do this. All the while the captain and his friend stand behind the curtain and watch. The guy climbs up on the camels back and begins to have sex with the camel. He then hears loud peels of laughter coming from the other side of the curtain. He yells for the captain and the captain comes out. The guy asks whats so funny? The captain looks at his friend and chokes out that most guys just get on the camel and ride it into town. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BUBBAWithin a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Bubba, a part timer, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Bubba had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. 'First,' he said. 'I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want to wear protection.' The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. 'Well,' said Bubba. 'You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FARMERS CONFESSIONhe's been having sex with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. "No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddamn queer?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROG, THE GENIE & 3 WISHESThe bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands him the beer and says, 'You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it's really phenomenal! But I have a question why is your head so small?' The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. 'One day', he begins, 'I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.' 'Really?' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. 'Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.' 'Keep going!'. I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman. She said, 'You now have 3 wishes.' , I looked around at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ' I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.!' She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was so big that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!, she then asked 'What is your second wish?' 'What next?', asked the bartender. 'I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ' I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream' She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We made love right there by the stream for hours!! I was a love machine. Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, sweating from our glorious love making she whispered in my ear, 'You know you have one more wish, what will it be?' I looked at her and replied 'How about a little head? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE DOCTORS OFFICEhe can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OLD LADYso that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AANSWER....The one that can run the fastest. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A MENTAL INSTITUTIONhe's driving a car. The nurse asks him, 'Charlie, what are you doing?' Charlie replied, 'Driving to Chicago!' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car She asks, 'Well Charlie, how are you doing?' Charlie says, 'I just got into Chicago' 'Great,' replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, 'Bob, what are you doing?!' Bob says, 'I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CONFESSIONALHe asked, "How do you think this could have happened, my child?" She said, "I think it must have been the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply, asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied, "It has to be . . . because I swallowed the first!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PRIZE BULLThe rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the old rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, 'You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!' The old rancher replied, 'Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning.' 
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