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Dec 2015
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NEW Added on 12/31/2015



Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,

some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.

It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,

thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.

The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down,

and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.


Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer


NEW Added on 12/30/2015

Q and A

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,......

along with a recipe.


NEW Added on 12/29/2015


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a. m.

and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies,

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse

and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies,

“My wife.”


NEW Added on 12/28/2015


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope

and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,

"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.

"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,

the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,

meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,

"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.

If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,

but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,

it's now $150."


NEW Added on 12/27/2015


A cow, an ant, and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.


NEW Added on 12/26/2015

"Santas Pickup Lines"

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!

9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?


NEW Added on 12/25/2015


Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.

I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!


NEW Added on 12/24/2015


'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.

When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."

When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"

As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!

"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"

Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"


NEW Added on 12/23/2015


It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.

Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,

stressing Santa even more.

When he checked on his reindeer.

Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.

Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.

But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.

Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.

There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.

She asked,

"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"

And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.


NEW Added on 12/22/2015


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,

"I hate to ruin your day,

but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;

forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,

so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,

" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,

"You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says,

"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."


NEW Added on 12/21/2015


There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales
so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly,
he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close.
The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time,
pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The man guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3).

You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy,

"I think that game is "rigged", and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my sister won twice last week".


NEW Added on 12/20/2015


A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.

The husband says,

"I thought we'd have sex tonight."

The wife replies,

"No, I'm too tired tonight."

The husband says,

"Is that your final answer?"

The wife says,

"Yes, it is, thank you."

The husband says,

"OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."


NEW Added on 12/19/2015


The boss of a big company had a tough choice to make....

He had to fire somebody.

He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin....

he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said:

"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

She replies,

"Could you jack off?

I have a headache."


NEW Added on 12/18/2015


There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in

St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a

photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.

The deaf one said to her twin, 'WHAT DID HE SAY?'


said the other.

'Now get a little closer together', said the cameraman.



close to each other.

'Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little',

said the photographer


With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,



NEW Added on 12/17/2015


HER: I'm Hiding.................

HIM: I'll FIND YOU..............

HER: I'm Hiding.................

HIM: I'll FIND YOU...............

HER: I'm Hiding..................

HIM: When I Find You I Will Rip Off All Your Clothes,
And Make Wild Passionate Love To You!!.......




Her: I'm Hiding .................

in the Closet.......


NEW Added on 12/16/2015


A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes at the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale at the second.

At the third shop everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and was in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.

She decided to get to a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted,

“You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you?

I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town,

your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.

And he will now be your career!”

The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said,

“I'm just pulling your leg.

He's dead.

Show me what you bought.”


NEW Added on 12/15/2015


An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home....

and the old man says,

"I bet you can't guess how old I am."

The old woman says,

"Okay, unzip your pants."

The old man unzips his pants....

and the woman sticks here hand in and plays around for a minute,

she pulls her hand out and says,

"you're 89."

The old man looks at her incredulously and asks,

"how did you know that?"

The old woman says,

"you told me yesterday!"


NEW Added on 12/14/2014


A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available:

a brand new Ferrari GTO.

It is also the most expensive car in the world,

and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old,

pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks,

“What kind of car ya’ got there sonny?”

The young man replies,

“A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man.

“ Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!”

states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks,

“Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says,

“That’s a pretty nice car, all right — but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes....

so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph!

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.

It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly,


Something whips by him, going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?”

the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari,

he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror....

and sees the old man gaining on him again!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal....

and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,

demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably,

the old man is still alive!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says,

“Oh, my word! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers with his dying breath,

“Unhook…my…suspenders…from…your…side-view mirror.”


NEW Added on 12/13/2015


A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver,

“where have you been?”

“I’ve been to a bar,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop,

“it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,

“that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.

“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”


NEW Added on 12/12/2015


A man walks up to his house and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch,

in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims.

The old man looks off in the distance without answering.


what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?”

he asks again.

The old man slowly looks at him and says,

“Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma’s idea.”


NEW Added on 12/11/2015


A guy and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back.

“Not tonight, dear,” she says.

“I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow.”

The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep.

A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.

“Honey, stop,” she says.

“I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning.”

“I know," he answers.

“But you don’t have to go to the dentist, do you?”


NEW Added on 12/10/2015


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections

and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.**


NEW Added on 12/9/2015


A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean.

Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears and says,

"Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for.

All you need is a new start.

I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like,

I can stow you away on my ship.

I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds,

"I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy."

She agrees......

The sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat.

Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit....

they then make passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asks.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains.

"He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," says the captain.

"This is the Staten Island Ferry."


NEW Added on 12/8/2015


These two guys had just gotten divorced....

and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.

They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska....

and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him,

"Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies,

he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked, "What's that board for?"

The trader said,

"Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"

The trader said,

"Well. take the boards with you....

and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.

"Okay," they said and left.

The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said

"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah," said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him," said the guy.


"I caught him in bed with my board!"


NEW Added on 12/7/2015


An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years.....

died together in a car crash.

They had been in good health the last ten years....

mainly due to her interest in health food and proper diet.

When they reached the Pearly Gates,

St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion,

which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen....

master bedroom suite....

and a fancy in-house jacuzzi.

The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.'

Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course
that the home faced upon.

They would have golfing privileges every day.

In addition, it changed to a new one daily....

representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, 'So, what are the green fees?'

St. Peter replied, 'This is Heaven, you play for free!'

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch....

with the best cuisine of the World laid out.

'How much to eat?' asked the old man.

'Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!!'

St. Peter replied with some exasperation.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly.

In a forceful voice, St. Peter said,

'That's the best part,you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like....

and you never get fat and you never get sick -- this is Heaven!'

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger....

throwing down his halo,

screaming wildly and taking the Lord's name in vain.

St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

The old man glared at his wife and said,

'This is all your fault!

If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins,

I could have been here 20 years ago!'


NEW Added on 12/6/2015


A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says,

"I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week.

Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says,

"Because I just love hearing it."


NEW Added on 12/5/2015


A couple takes their young son to the circus.

When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks,

"Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?"

"That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushes and says,

"Oh, that’s nothing."

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda.

As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

"That’s the elephant’s trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is......

The thing down there."

The father says, "Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis."

"Dad," the son asks,

"how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man takes a deep breath and explains,

"Son, I’ve spoiled that woman."


NEW Added on 12/4/2015


A son comes home from college to West Virginia.....

and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.

“Dad, she’s fantastic.

She’s smart, she's beautiful, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring.

I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…”

“But what, son?” asks the father.

“She’s a virgin.”

The father scratches his beard and says,

“Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family....

she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”


NEW Added on 12/3/2015


A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied.

“Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

“Well, we’re not having that sort of shit in our garden.”


NEW Added on 12/2/2015


A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.

Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise.

He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screams,

"Stop! Stop!

You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you?"

The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw.

"Nope—you are.

I’m just going to set the garage on fire."


NEW Added on 12/1/2015


(Thanks to Ben in Dallas)

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen...

Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and

Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced

that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,

and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form,

and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs'

and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.