FRIEND FOR DINNER"I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the jerk is thinking about getting married." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GENIEThe bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands him the beer and says, 'You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it's really phenomenal! But I have a question why is your head so small?' The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. 'One day', he begins, 'I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.' 'Really?' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. 'Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.' I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman She said, 'You now have 3 wishes.' , I looked around at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ' I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.!' She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was so big that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!, she then asked 'What is your second wish?' 'I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ' I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream' She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We made love right there by the stream for hours!! Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, she whispered in my ear,' You know you have one more wish, what will it be?' I looked at her and replied 'How about a little head?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Satisfactionthe man came right out and asked his wife.... during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you are fully satisfied?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO OLD LADIESwhen it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CAR WRECKpulled out of the alley and directly in front of his way. The sports car plows into the truck and totally demolishes the front end of the sports car. The gay man jumps out of the car, comes tearing around the side of the truck where the truck driver is, and hollers, "You did that on purpose! You just pulled right out in front of me!" The truck driver says, "Suck my dick." Waving his hands, the gay man say's.... "Don't try to sweet talk me out of it!!! I'm really PISSED!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLOSING TIMEThe bartender finally tells him its closing time, so Sam stands up to go and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand up again but with the same result. So he thinks to himself that he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up a bit. Once outside, he stands up and again falls flat on his face. So he thinks, 'It's Very Late' and starts crawling home. When he gets to his front door he tries once again to stand up, manages to open the door but promptly falls straight back down on the floor. He crawls in and quietly crawls up the stairs where he manages to pull himself upright by his bed. He crawls in and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He wakes up the next morning with his wife standing above him shouting at him. 'So, you've been out getting drunk again, have you?' Thinking he hadn't disturbed her coming in the previous night, he puts on an innocent face and says 'What makes you say that, love?' 'Because the pub called. You've left your wheelchair there again!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BIG BETThe manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99................ and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies. The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VEGAS HOOKERHe strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose head is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No head could be worth that. The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give head that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some sex?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies........... "but I would if I had a vagina." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUNBATHINGsunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. Excuse me, miss, said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. What difference does it make? Joan asked rather calmly. No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel. Not exactly, said the embarrassed man.You're lying on the dining room skylight. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ VIAGRAJudy asks her husband, Zeek, if he'd like breakfast. "How about bacon and eggs, or a slice of toast with some grape jam," she says. "I'm not hungry," Zeek says. "It's the Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, Judy asks, "Would you like a bowl of soup or a ham and cheese sandwich?" "I'm not hungry," Zeek says. "It's the Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, Judy offers to run to the cafe. "I could pick you up a burger and fries, or even chicken fingers and nachos," she says. "No thanks," Zeek says. "It's the Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, can you please get off of me?" she says. "I'm starving!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE COUNTRY CLUBa very well endowed naked man strolls by.... wearing only a bag over his head. The first lady said "That is not my husband", the second lady says "That is definitely not my husband" and the third one says "Well I recognize him, that's Bob Johnson and...... he's not even a member of our country club". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ETERNAL OPTIMISTHe would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit... his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad.... so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?" "He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man.... shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?" "Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PERFECT WIFE* Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out hot chicks. * Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWENTY INCH PENISHe was unable to get any women to have sex with him.... because they all told him that his penis was too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place. The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story. The witch said, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log.... who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, 'will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal.... your penis will be 4 inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and there sat the frog on a log. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter! "WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches.... so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!" He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time." Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKThe bartender gives the man directions to the bathroom. A few minutes later, everybody at the bar hears a loud scream from the bathroom and wonders what the is going on in there. A few minutes go by and, again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream from the bathroom. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate.... what the drunk is screaming about. He knocks on the door and asks the drunk, "What's the problem? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk says, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush it, something comes up and squeezes my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "Well, no wonder.... ........you're sitting on the mop bucket!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LAUNDRYWhen it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains. So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?" "Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his thing is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his thing is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." "What if he's excited?" asks one of the women. "Honey," says Sophie, "On a day like that, I don't do the laundry." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The Blonde replies, "I'm Blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the Blonde to leave. The Blonde yet again repeats "I'm Blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; The Blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the Blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RETIREMENT BLISSQuestion: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to move back in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VEGAS HOOKERHe strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose head is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No head could be worth that. The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give head that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some sex?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a vagina." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 14th Anniversary SEPTEMBER 11thDon't ever forget 9/11! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE RABBIT JOKEand brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'WOW! This is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots if other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass. 'Hey,' he called out. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?' 'Yes. Come and join us, ' they all cried out. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you do wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said, 'you see that field over there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted. 'They are wonderful' he told his new friends. Much later, he asked them again: 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there in the distance? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well'. The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came close to him and spoke softly: 'There is one other thing you must try.' Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said 'They're girl rabbits. We screw them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely exhausted, he staggered back to his male friends. 'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of the asked. 'I'm sorry. I had a great time. Believe me, but I can't'. The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' 'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory.... I'm dying for a cigarette.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN-FLIGHT MEAL"Would you like dinner?" The flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO OLD LADIESwhen it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RETIREMENT BLISSAnswer: Normal . Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BIG BETThe manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99................ and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies. The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEDICAL MIX-UPtelling him there's been a terrible mix up with his wife's medical tests. "We mixed up the test results.... and we don't know if she's the one with the heart condition or the clap." explains the Doctor. "Oh no, what can I do?" asks the man. "Well" says the Doctor, "send her out for a Jogging Session.... ....if she comes back send her in for a shot of penicillin!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DESK CLERK"It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MANAGEMENT ADVICE"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today, I'm really ill... I've got a headache and stomach ache. I can't come in to work." The boss says, "George I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later George calls again, "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great.... I'll be at work soon. By the way, you have a really nice house." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIKE A BABYand their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter. Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom.... she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a babys. "Don't worry, honey," he said. She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession.... about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby." "It is," he said. "7 pounds and 20 inches long!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RETIREMENT BLISSAnswer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. |