 HIS LURID PASTKim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.... "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit". Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - and then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MORMONS AND CATHOLICSeach other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee? The Mormon bishop responds, Yes that is still one of our beliefs. The Catholic priest then asks, Have you ever had a cup of coffee? Yes, says the Mormon bishop, I have to admit-on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee. The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading. A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks.... Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? Yes it's still one of our vows. The Mormon bishop then asks, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The Catholic priest replied, Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow. The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment. A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said, A lot better than coffee, isn't it? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TEXANhe announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, as well as many exclamations of a "WOW!" from the crowd. Two women faint due to sympathy pains from just imagining the size of such an infant. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, how much does he weigh now?" . The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." Puzzled, the bartender says, "Geez, what happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BIRDS AND BEES"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRUNKand threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his drunken state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target.... and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize.... a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bull's-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bullseyes?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEAfter a few drinks,he asks the bartender, "Hey,wanna here a Blonde joke?" Suddenly a voice beside him says, "you need to know something. The bartender is a 6'2" Blonde and is a amateur boxer. I am a 200 pound construction worker who happens to be a Blonde, the bouncer is a Blonde, the two ladies sitting behind you are Blondes, one is a self defense instructor and the other has a black belt in karate. Are you sure you want to tell your joke?" The man says, "Hell No, if I gotta explain it 5 times, it won't be as funny." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A GORILLA STORYHe parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this 'King of the Jungle' and slipped him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the 'King of the Jungle' in the rear end. The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it. Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle. 'RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!' he says. 'Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?' The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. 'Uh, you mean the one that just humped your butt?' he stutters. The lion sits up with a start and says, 'Jesus! It's in the paper already?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BOB'S BIRTHDAYbowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League, We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around him. "Hi Bob," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bob." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW BABYif she would like her husband to be present at the birth. 'I'm afraid I don't have a husband' she replies. 'OK do you have a boyfriend?' asks the Midwife. 'No, no boyfriend either.' 'Do you have a partner then?' 'No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.' After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. 'You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.' 'Well,' replies the girl. 'I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black.' 'Oh, I'm very sorry,' says the midwife, 'that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.' 'Well yes,' the girl again replies, 'you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?' 'Oh, I'm sorry,' the midwife repeats, 'that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.' 'Well yes,' continues the girl, 'I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.' At this the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, 'Well thank heaven for that!' 'What do you mean?' says the shocked midwife. 'Well,' says the girl extremely relieved, 'I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BURGLARsleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HIGHWAY PATROLThe woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, 'Ma'am did you know you were speeding?' The woman turns to her husband and asked, 'What did he say?' The old man yelled, 'He says you were speeding!' The patrolman said, 'May I see your license?' The woman turned to her husband and asked, 'What did he say?' The old man yelled, 'He wants to see your license!' The woman gave him her license. The patrolman said, 'I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date.... with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.' The woman turned to her husband and asked, 'What did he say?' The old man yelled, 'He thinks he knows you!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A WIFE OR MISTRESSwere discussing whether it was better to spend time.... with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, 'I like both.' 'Both?' Accountant: 'If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUCCESSA successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DUMB GUY'S JOKESHe says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 West Virginia State Lottery? A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Frankfort,Kentucky burned down? A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKES* Their personalities. * What is the difference between a tick and a Lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die. * Why does the Lawyers Bar Association prohibit sex between Lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. * What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? * Not enough sand. * What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road.... and a dead Lawyer in the middle of the road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk. * What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * A Doberman. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLIND DATEThey went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna get weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she said. "I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MUSTANG RANCHpassed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks, NV. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted: "WHY?!?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE CHINESE TORTURESIt had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney. He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?" The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man said, . "I'll let you come in on one condition. You cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese tortures ever known to man." "Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house. That night, after showering the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three tortures would be worth it after that experience." The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture: 100-pound rock on your chest." "What a lame torture," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture: right testicle tied to rock." The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese torture: left testicle tied to bedpost." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ APPLYING FOR A JOBThe chief engineer was conducting the interview. 'What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?' Fred quickly answered, 'Well, I'd call my brother.' The chief engineer just sat there for a second. 'Why would you call your brother?' 'He's never seen a train wreck before.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE INDIANHer car runs out or gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yiiieee-yiiieee-yiiiee!" and gallops off. "My god!" says the gas station guy. "What were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?" "Why, nothing," says the girl. "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn." "Lady..." says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLIND SINCE BIRTHorphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.' 'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.' 'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.' 'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a Lawyer.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BILL CLINTONwalk in to the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks. The day wore on; several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office.... for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face.... but no one dared ask about the President's personal business. Finally, Betty Currie, Clifton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you.... but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing.... a pair of woman's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble." "Oh no," the President grinned. "It's The Patch. I'm trying to quit." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MY SISTER"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great,"responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my sister goes there all the time." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE ONE LINERSA: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: Did you hear about the Blonde that robbed a bank? A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard. Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly. Q: Why do all Blondes have a dimple in their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin-I don't know.... Hits forehead-Oh I get it! Q: Why do Blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating Blonde men. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. Q: Why did the Blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. A Blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm Blonde!" Did you hear about the Blonde mom who kept an icepack on her chest to keep the milk fresh? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FARMERhe walks around to the back of the house. There's the farmer with a cow's tail lifted up, planting a huge wet kiss on the cow's asshole. The salesman says, "Man, are you queer or what?" The farmer says, "No. I've got chapped lips, and it keeps me from lickin' em." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ITALIAN MOTHERand going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess.... which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house.... sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mama. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?" "Naturally, 'She's the only one I don't like'." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PMSold or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,... "...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RASIN BREADshort skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof and the location of the raisin bread], he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As she retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!!! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the old man, "but it's starting to twitch". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEto her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims... "I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!" To that the man asks "Anything"?? And the Blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me" He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door" She does!! He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!.. He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!... He then says "Go ahead... Take it out" With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!... She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips.. She says "HELLO, MOM"???? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OLD COUPLEThey were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, 'Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.' 'Yeah,' she replied, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said, 'We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered, 'What do you say...should we get naked?' Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I'm not surprised,' replied Gramps. 'You've got one in your coffee and the other in your oatmeal!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHY GUYsitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars??? What do you mean $200?!! 
|