 DOGSThe bartender says, 'Get out of here with that dog!' Big Mike protests, 'But this ain't just any dog... this here dog can play the piano!' The bartender replies, 'Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!' So Big Mike sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Elton John. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks Big Mike, 'What the Hell was that all about?' Big Mike replies, 'Oh, that was his mother. The bitch wants him to be a doctor.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KIDS CUSSING"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SISTER MARY MARGARET"I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey," she tells O'Flynn. The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too." "Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father O'Reilly. His constipation, you know." O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way. Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side. "Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father O'Reilly's constipation." "It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna crap!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GREEDY WIFEA week later Dianne agrees to marry him. After just a couple of weeks.... the man notices that Dianne is beginning to ignore him. When they do make love she is indifferent or calls out other men's names. When they go out on the town she flirts with other men. Finally the husband has had enough and confronts her. "Dianne...is the only reason you married me because.... my grandfather left me 10 million dollars?" "Don't be silly," she says, " It doesn't matter to me who left it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LITTLE JOHNNY'S STORYthe woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND......" Mommy tells him to slow down..... but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods.... the undressing.... laying down on the seat.... and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing.... Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO STORKSThe baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GENIEOne man took his pipe out of his gold bag and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?" The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead. "Wait a minute," the first man said, "that’s not what you asked for." The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ POOR COMUNICATIONDuring the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FUNERALAt the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for that dammed wall! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEAfter a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, you have been sitting here chanting 3 Weeks! Why?" The Blondes stop chanting and look up. "Well," says one of the Blondes, "we just finished a puzzle." "So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked. "Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 3 Weeks!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HEAVENto enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DENTISTshe was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," she ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as easy as you," said the dentist. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mrs. Burg turned to her husband. "Show him your tooth, Honey." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CUNNINGLUS FROGSof food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says.... "Cunninglus Frogs..$20 each (instructions included)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one." He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there." To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing. She's totally frustrated at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over." After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the frog just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUPERBOWL FEVERA woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop. The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BILLY BOB"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years.... I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti.... and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKEthere lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest.... and the snake was slithering through the forest.... when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny.... 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so.... I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.' 'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth.... and also never knew my mother. Tell you what.... I could slither all over you, and work out what you are.... so at least you'll know.' 'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur.... you have really long ears.... your nose twitches.... and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.' 'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw.... and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over.... and said.... 'Well, you're scaly and smooth.... and you have a forked tongue.... no backbone.... and no balls. I'd say you must be a..... Lawyer.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A FATHERS LAST WISHDoctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer..... Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them chasing your mother after I'm gone!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICEThe doctor looks up from his clipboard and says, "I just need a few facts, when were you born?" The wife, who's hard of hearing says, "What did he say?" Her husband shouts the question at her and she replies.... May 6, 1925." "And where were you born?" The doctor asks. The husband shouts this question to her and she says.... Peoria. Chuckling, the doctor says, "Peoria..... I had the worst piece of ass in my life there" "What did he say?" the wife asks. "He says he thinks he knows you," shouts the husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO PRIESTSa real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergymen. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, and sunglasses. The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb and relaxed on beach chairs, enjoying drinks, the sunshine and the scenery. Soon a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. When she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." Then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -- these were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them -- and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She smiled and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it. But I have to know, how in the world did you know?" "Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WISHAll of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and then a crash of thunder and lightning and then in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, one that would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord I wish to glorify you by asking about your most beautiful creation", "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO ITALIAN MEN'Emma, she comsa first. 'Den I come. 'Den de two asses come together. 'Den I comsa again an' de asses come together again. I comsa again and pee twice. 'Den I comsa again.' 'Do you mind?' The woman in front of the guys said, 'We don't talk about our sex lives in public!' 'You coola down, lady.' Says one of the Italians, 'I'ma justa tellin' my friend here 'ow to spella Mississippi!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create Brunettes? A: Neither could the Blondes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INSOMNIAThe doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, 'Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.' 'I know' said the man, 'but I can't.... My wife refuses to sleep alone.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DEVOUT CATHOLICShe gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father.... Do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OLD MANA young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HITLER AND THE PIGon his way to an important meeting. Driving down a country road, the chauffeur.... doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits it with the car. Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Hitler climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed asks Hitler what he should do Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and he should move the pig.... and go to the meeting and worry about it later. All the way to the meeting the chauffeur, who is a good-hearted person is worried about the family who owned the pig. He wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig.... so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he should go back to the farm.... and let them know what happened. Hitler agrees before hurrying to the meeting, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road. Six hours later, the chauffeur is stumbling down the road.... his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor. Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him.... and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have my way with their beautiful young daughter and then sent me on my way." Adolph seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?" To which the chauffeur replied.... "I really can't understand it either.... all I did was tell them....................... "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur...... and I killed the pig." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SCHOOL PLAYhe's been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful! What part is it?' The boy says..... 'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BALCONYwith their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he said. 'An ambulance just drove by.' A few moments passed. 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex.' Mom and Dad shot up in bed. 'How do you know that?' the startled father asked. 'Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,' his son replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HILLBILLY CONDOMS"I would like one of them there condoms with the pesticide on it." Flustered,the pharmacist replies, "Oh, you must mean spermicide." "No, I want a condom with pesticide," answers the good ol' country boy. "Sir, pesticide is used to kill insects..... I think you mean spermicide..... which is used to keep your wife from getting pregnant," says the pharmacist. "No, I want pesticide..... My wife has had a bug up her ass for weeks..... now and I aim to kill it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DILEMMAand was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars. The first girl went for a complete hair and face make over.... new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear." The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment.... a new stereo, DVD, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so." The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount.... She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply..... and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear." The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married..... the one with the biggest breasts. 
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