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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.


Apr 2015

Las Vegas Adult Entertainment

Thursday April 9th

NEW Added on 4/30/2015

Making Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

'Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression.

I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple.

I spent the entire day polishing the apple and....

at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

'The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.

I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a month,

by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

'Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.'


NEW Added on 4/29/2015

Another Fight

Walking into the bar, Harry said to the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" asked Eddie. "And how'd this one end?"

"When it was over, "Harry replied,

"She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really?" Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said.....

"Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel."


NEW Added on 4/28/2015


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

'Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.'

'ONE CENT - that's awesome!' exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks

'Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?'

'Certainly, sir, 'replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.'

How much money?' inquires the guy.

'4 cents,' replies the bartender.

'FOUR cents!' exclaims the guy.

'Where's the Guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replies, 'Upstairs with my wife.'

The guy says, 'What's he doing with your wife?'

The bartender replies...

'Same as I'm doing to his business!'


NEW Added on 4/27/2015

22 Reasons Not To Have Kids

For those who already have children past age 10, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,
they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan......

.... the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing....

.....Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

.....It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

....When using the ceiling fan as a bat, have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

.....A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though....

...... a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's can pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool,

..... you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though....

....TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

18. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

19. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.......

...... Plastic toys do not like ovens.

21. The fire department in Austin (Texas) has a 5 minute response time.

22. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

.....It will, however, make cats dizzy.....

...... and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


NEW Added on 4/26/2015


The new hooker just finished her first trick.

When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans.....

all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor."

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100,

but he said he didn't have that much.

So I told him that oral sex would be $75,

but he didn't have that much either.

Finally I said, well how much do you have?

The sailor said that he only had $25.

So I told him for $25 all I can do is service you by hand.

He agreed and after getting the $25.,

he pulled it out and I put one hand on it,

and then a second hand above the first and

then the first hand above the second hand."

"Oh my god!" they all exclaimed,

"It must have been huge.

Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.


NEW Added on 4/25/2015


A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

They're all at the Pearly Gates...

St Peter asks the first nun,

"Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun giggles and replies,

"Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St Peter says OK,

dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.

St Peter asks the next nun the same question.

"Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun is a little reluctant but replies

"Well I once fondled and stroked one..."

St Peter says,

"OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion as one nun pushes her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front St Peter says

"Sister, what seems to be the rush?"

The nun replies

"If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water,

I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"


NEW Added on 4/24/2015


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night
and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.

With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement
is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies.

"All I got was a headache.

All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."


NEW Added on 4/23/2015


A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog....

was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler.

The Rottweiler was really humping away and the lady was....

frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rottweilers butt,

and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed.

"How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said,

"That's my dog!

He can dish it out,

but he can't take it!"


NEW Added on 4/22/2015


A newlywed couple returned home after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride

"All the neighbors will know what we're about to do.

These walls are paper thin.

In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code.

For example, how about asking,

'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks,

"I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself

and she nudged her husband and said,

"I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all.

Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband.

"It was only a small load so I did it by hand."


NEW Added on 4/21/2015

Crown Royal

A guy goes into a bar sits down and asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Crown Royal.
The bartenders asks "What's the happy occasion?"

"It's not so happy," the guy replies, "I just found out my older son is gay.
"Sorry about that," the bartender replies.

A month later the same guy goes to the bar and asks the bartender
to line up 20 shots of Crown Royal.
The bartender says "I hope it's a happy occasion this time."

"Not really," the guy replies, "I just found out my other son is gay."
With that he drinks the shots and leaves.

Six months later the guy walks into the bar again and asks the bartender
to give him the whole bottle instead of lining up shots.

The bartender decides to ask the guy a personal question,
"Doesn't anybody like girls in your house?"

The guy replies "Yes, my wife does."


NEW Added on 4/20/2015


A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness,

he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand.

"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.

Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered.

"But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith.

Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith.

"In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."


NEW Added on 4/19/2015
(HAPPY 63rd BIRTHDAY To Ben in Dallas)


A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with
a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor,

'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that.

I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.


NEW Added on 4/18/2015


An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother
and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see,
while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby
by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the new baby.

"Spank him again," the 5-year-old said.

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place".


NEW Added on 4/17/2015


Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!!

And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.
They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.

They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.
And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs
despite the fact a that they've been in the SAME GODDAMN CUPBOARD
for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs,
THREE DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over
to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT,


I'm sorry...what did you ask me?


NEW Added on 4/16/2015


What do you call a handcuffed man?

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Why are all dumb Blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.


NEW Added on 4/15/2015

Well, folks, it has finally happened.
The BLONDES of the world are taking revenge on the Brunettes:

A brunette who's told too many Blonde jokes.

Brown-bagging it.

No one else wants it.

So brunettes can remember them.


"Has the Blonde left yet? "

The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

When was the last time you saw a Blonde witch?

The invitation

A hostage


It matches their mustache


NEW Added on 4/14/2015


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

"duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition....

learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....

car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....

instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911.....

"duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!


NEW Added on 4/13/2015


A wife arrived home from a shopping trip....

and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked,

with a lovely young woman.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house....

her husband stopped her and said,

"Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."

The wife stopped to listen.

He continued, "I was driving along the highway....

I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled,

so I offered her a lift.

She was also hungry....

so I brought her home and made her a meal....

from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like.

She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes....

which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style.

She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday ....

the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you.

Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good....

but much too small for you now."

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this....

but still needed just one question to be answered.

"That's all fine and good," she said,

"but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?"

The husband replied, "Well, that's simple....

see, as she was about to leave the house....

she turned to me and asked,

"Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"


NEW Added on 4/12/2015


Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,

Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act....

he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,

as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said,

'Mary, I have good news & bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged because....

since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient,

I think you've regained your senses.'

The bad news is,

Jim, the patient you saved....

hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Mary replied

"He didn't hang himself........

I put him there to dry."


NEW Added on 4/11/2015


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


NEW Added on 4/10/2015


Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath...

They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated.

They theorize that oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

They go to the lobby and tell her husband their theory.

The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it.

The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy.

They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead!

"What happened?" asks one of the nurses.

The man replies,

"I dont know........

I think she choked."

Thursday April 9th


NEW Added on 4/9/2015


The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged.....

they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years.

The auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks

in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances....

in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states....

the last words of drivers in 71.2 percent of fatal crashes were,

"Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different.....

where 89.3 percent of the final words were....

"Hold my beer and watch this!"


NEW Added on 4/8/2015


A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall,

"We are the best restaurant in the world, and we offer PERFECT SERVICE!

We will give you $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders an elephant ear on a bun.

She calmly writes down his order and ask's 'African or Indian Elephant'?

Flabergasted the customer answers 'Indian elephant'.

The waitress walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.

He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says,

'I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of buns!


NEW Added on 4/7/2015


Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer.

Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away.

It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing.

The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The urge to play golf overcame him and the preacher was in a quandary as to what to do.

He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church.

He packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where
no one would recognize him.

Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.

He went to God and said, 'Look at the preacher.

He should be punished for what he is doing.'

God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole.

He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed
right in the cup 250 yards away.

A picture-perfect hole-in-one.

He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked.

He turned to God and said,

'I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.'

God smiled and said, "I did, - who can he tell"?


NEW Added on 4/6/2015


A man is having problems with his erection which certainly had seen better times.

He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says....

"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years.

Your penis is burned out; you only have 30 erections left."

The man walks home (deeply depressed);

His wife meets him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said.

He tells her what the doc told him.

She says, "Oh no, only 30 times!

We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!" He replies,

"Yes, I already made a list on the way home....

Sorry, your name isn't on it."


NEW Added on 4/5/2015

SUCCESS IS .......

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.


NEW Added on 4/4/2015


A contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it,

and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it,

and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled


The lady then asked him,

"Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply.

"But I have a crew of Blondes laying sod across the street.


NEW Added on 4/3/2015


(from Ben in Dallas)
Four guys have been going on the same riding trip along the California coast for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave,

Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him that she's had it and this year he isn't going.

Jack's riding buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three pull into the parking lot at Alice's Restaurant in the foothills above Santa Cruz

and see Jack's bike already parked, and find Jack sitting at a table with four beers set up !

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here several hours now.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair......

and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.

The room had candles and rose petals all over.

Well, she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey'."

"On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes.

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did."

"And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So - - - Here I am."


NEW Added on 4/2/2015


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


NEW Added on 4/1/2015


A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church,

sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.

The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention,

but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies,

"No use knockin,' pal.........

There's no paper."