Beautiful Glamour Models Tasteful Nude, Classy and Sexy
ALEX HUNTER......
PHOTOGRAPHY

"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.

JOKES

Jan 2015


Las Vegas Adult Entertainment


NEW Added on 1/31/2015

THE BET

A guy walks into a bar.

He sits down and says to the bartender,

"I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shot glass at that end of the bar,

I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine."

Well the bartender thinks,

"That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay."

The guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere,

even on the bartender.

Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100.

So very happily the bartender asks for his money.

The guy very happily says, "Here you go!"

The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?"

And the guy says,

"Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar?

I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/30/2015

THE BARBER SHOP

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks,

'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looks around the shop and says,

'About two hours.'

The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,

'How long before I get a haircut?'

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says,

'About two hours.'

The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,

'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looks around the shop an says,

'About an hour and a half.'

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,

'Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.'

A little while later,

Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks,

'Bill, where did he go when he left here?'

Bill looked up and said,

'To your house.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/29/2015

THE DOCTORS OFFICE

A man goes to a proctologist for his very first rectal exam.

The doc tells him to wait in the examination room.

Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk:

a tube of K-Y Jelly,

a rubber glove,

and a beer.

When the doctor comes in, the man says,

“Look, Doc, this is my first exam.

I know what the K-Y is for,

and I know what the glove is for …

but what’s the beer doing there?”

The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger.

“Nurse,” he screams.

“I said a butt light!”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/28/2015

THE COMPUTER BUSINESS

Actual dialog of a Windows Customer Support employee:

"Windows Customer Support; This is Rex, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Windows 8.1."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along.....

and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Windows 8.1, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Never mind.

Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.

Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug.....

and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor.....

did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it.....

not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are.

I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me.....

and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle.....

it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes......

the office light is off......

and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power..........

A power outage?

Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good!

Go get them......

unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.

Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose.

What do I tell them?"

"Tell them...................

you're too stupid to own a computer."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/27/2015

THE HONEYMOON

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed....

ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband,

“I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome.

I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

The husband says,

“I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she says.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says,

“I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims.

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.”

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed.

When they finish he’s tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods.....

to find out what’s par for this damn hole!”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/26/2015

ARTIFICIAL PARTS

A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to....

transplants and artificial body parts.

"They'll make men an artificial wiener next,"

the wife said.

"Never!" replied the husband.

"There are some things you can't make.

Besides, what would you make it from?"

"Iron," she told him.

"Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust."

"Ok, brass then," she insisted.

"That's ridiculous," scoffed the husband.

"Men would never be able to keep it clean."

"Not True!, She replied.

"I've watched you polish yours while watching porno videos for years!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/25/2015

UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE


(Thanks to Ben in Dallas)
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,

two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck,

walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.

I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said

"Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, your room and meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me???"

The social worker said,

"Yeah, well . . . you started it."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/24/2015

RETIREMENT BLISS

The nice thing about being senile is.....

you can hide your own Easter eggs.....

and then have fun finding them.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/23/2015

LITTLE JOHNNY


(Thanks to Jerry F. in Dallas)
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said,

'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.

It was fascinating.'

The teacher said,

'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said,

'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,

but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',

so she called on him.

Johnny said,

'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,

but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/22/2015

DAVE'S NIGHT OUT


Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends
most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym.

His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard,

so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,

"Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave.

"He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says,

"You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.

We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.

"Hi Davey," she says,

"Want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab.

Before Mary can slam the door,

Dave jumps in beside her.

Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says,

"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/21/2015

TWO DOCTORS

Two doctors were talking.

'I am so ashamed I have started an affair with one of my patients,' said one.

'That's OK we all do it.,' the other replied.

'But this is different!,' insisted the first.

'Why all doctors have sex with there patients!'

'Yes,' replied the first. 'But I am a Vet'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/20/2015

THE EGGS

A traveling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse.

The farmer says, "You can spend the night but you'll have to share a room
with my beautiful daughter."

"Oh, I don't mind that," exclaims the salesman.

"Just one thing," says the farmer. "No funny business."

"Oh no sir," says the salesman. "You can count on me."

Just to be safe, the farmer builds a wall of eggs between the two beds in the daughter's room.

In the middle of the night, the salesman can no longer control himself,
busts through the eggs and has his way with the farmer's daughter.

They take the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one
and rebuilding the wall.

The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter's room and takes a couple eggs
to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Cracking open the first egg, of course, produces nothing.

Cracking open the second egg, likewise.

The farmer pokes his head out the window and yells,

"OK, which one of you roosters is using a condom?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/19/2015

DORIS IS DEAD

An old man goes into the local newspaper office....

and asks if he can place an obituary notice for his deceased wife.

The receptionist says it's no problem, and it will cost him $5.00 per word.

She gives him the form to complete,

and he spends a moment or two filling it in.

He hands it over to her, along with fifteen dollars....

and when she reads it, it says simply, 'Doris is dead.'

'Oh, that's awful' she says 'but why only the three words?'

'That's all I can afford' he replies.

She looks quite upset, and says

'Just let me have a word with the Editor,

see what I can do'.

After a moment or two she comes back and tells him....

the Editor says he can have another three words free of charge.

So he takes the form back and scribbles down some more,

before passing it back to her.

She picks the form up and reads it:

'Doris is dead, Plymouth for sale.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/18/2015

THE INSURANCE CLAIM

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/17/2015

RETIREMENT BLISS

My favorite question is......

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

ANSWER: Monday through Friday, NOTHING.....

Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/16/2015

THE BEGGARS

Jose and Carlos are both beggars.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose,

"I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads:

I have no work,

a wife and six kids

to support.


"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads:

I only need ten dollars

to get back to Mexico



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/15/2015

THE PLUMBER

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping....

when an unfortunate incident occurred.

Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the bathroom....

and neglected to notice that the seat was up.

When she sat down, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape....

and became jammed in the toilet....

with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in....

and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown....

but this only left her naked and still stuck,

with a particular part of her anatomy visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber....

despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the husband let him in....

and realized that his wife was exposed in a humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber....

and placed his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom....

took one look, and commented:

"Well, I think I can save your wife....

but the Rabbi's a goner."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/14/2015

BLONDE JOKE

Two Blondes were both on the elevator.

A man gets on who's perfect:

Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt,

but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.

The man gets off on the next floor and once the doors close,

one Blonde turns to the other and says,

'Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.'

The other Blonde replies,

'How do you give shoulders?'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/13/2015

THE ACCIDENT

A married couple was in a terrible accident....

where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body
because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would
have to come from his buttocks.

They decided that they would tell no one about where the skin came from...

and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed,

everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.

She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband....

and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied,

"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/12/2015

GENDER REVERSAL

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Iraq.....

several years before the War....

and she noted then that

women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Iraq recently and observed that the men

now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist.

"What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Iraqi women replied,

"Land mines."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/11/2015

THE TRAIN RIDE

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and Jessica Alba sitting together

in a train carriage going through the French countryside

Suddenly, the train went through a tunnel and, being one of the older-style trains

with no carriage lighting, it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Jessica Alba and the Englishman were sitting

as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face.

The Frenchman was thinking.....

'The English fella must have kissed Jessica Alba and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Jessica Alba was thinking...,.

'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it'.

The English fella was thinking.....

'This is great.

The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise

and slap that French jackass again'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/10/2015

THE DRUNK

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick....

and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living....

being with cheap, wicked women....

too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said....

nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading that the Pope does."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/9/2015

IN THE BAR

A man enters a bar with his pet monkey.

The man walks straight up to the bar while his monkey companion

jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole.

The bartender, shocked, asks the man

“Why in the hell did he do that?”

The man replies, “He always eats things whole.”

Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar.

This time the monkey follows the man to the bar.

The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar....

sticks it up his ass and then eats it.

The bartender shocked at this asks,

“Why did he stick it up his ass first?”

The man replies,

“Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/8/2015

THE DEAF BOOKKEEPER


(Thanks to Ben in Dallas)
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. The Don assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer,

"Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather:

"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper:

"He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win!

The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies:

"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/7/2015

DEPRESSION


(Thanks to Jerry F. in Dallas)
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings,

Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,

I called the Suicide Hotline.

I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal,

they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/6/2015

MORE BLONDES REVENGE ON BRUNETTES

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?

Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?

No one else wants it.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?

Invisible.

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?

The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?

The invitation.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?

A hostage.

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?

Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?

It matches their mustache.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/5/2015

BLONDES REVENGE ON BRUNETTES

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?

A brunette who's told too many Blonde jokes.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?

So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?

"Has the Blonde left yet? "

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?

When was the last time you saw a Blonde witch?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/4/2015

BLONDE JOKE

A Blonde is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears....

horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter,

"What's going on?"

He says,

"That's the sound of the new angels....

getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings,

and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says,

"Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says,

"In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says,

"That's okay....

at least they won't need to drill any holes for that."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/3/2015

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City,

where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor,

or may choose to go up to the next floor,

but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids..

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/2/2015

THE DOCTORS OFFICE

A man tells his doctor he’s unable to do....

all the things around the house that he used to do.

After the exam, he says,

“Now, doc, I can take it.

Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.”

“In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor.

“OK. Now give me a medical term....

so I can tell my wife.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW Added on 1/1/2015

THE SUPERBOWL

Dave was extremely excited at the prospect of his very first Superbowl.

He had won his ticket in a drawing earlier that week.

Once inside the stadium his excitement began to fade as he realized that his seat was
right at the back of the stadium, behind a great big pillar.

Frustrated, Dave searched the rows in front of him and saw an empty seat on the 50 yard line.

He approached the man and asked if the seat was taken.

'No, sit down,' replied the old man.

'But...' said Dave, amazed at his luck, 'how could anyone pass up a seat like this?

You've got the best view in the stadium.'

'That was my wife's seat,' The older gentleman responded.

'We've been to every Superbowl for the past twenty-five years, but recently she passed away...'

'Oh,' said Dave, 'I'm sorry to hear that.

But couldn't you find a friend or a relative to come with you?'

'No,' the old man said, 'They're all at the funeral.'