 
Las Vegas Adult Entertainment
NEW Added on 12/31/2014
 HAPPY NEW YEAR
THE GRAND FINALE
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22 foot boat, going.
It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,
thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down,
and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
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NEW Added on 12/30/2014
THE DOUBLE MARTINI
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar.....
and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket,
then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket ....
and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says,
"Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long -
but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket....
before you order a refill."
The customer replies,
"I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good,
I know it's time to go home."
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NEW Added on 12/29/2014
HOOKER JOKE
A Vegas Hooker goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned.
She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says
“Come again?”
She giggles and says
“No…it’s just mustard this time.”
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NEW Added on 12/28/2014
St. PETER
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married,
a couple had a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting for St. Peter.
While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out.' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...
and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven,
what with the eternal aspect of it all.
'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered,
'Are we stuck together forever?'
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great,' said the couple, 'but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?', asked the frightened couple.
St. Peter shouted,
'It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?'
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NEW Added on 12/27/2014
LAWYER JOKE
A lawyer parked his brand-new Porsche in front of the office....
to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out of the car....
a truck came along too close and completely tore off the driver's door.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and called 911.
It wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
By the time the policeman approached him,
the lawyer was screaming hysterically.
His car, which he had just picked up that day,
was now completely ruined.
It would never be the same no matter how hard they tried to fix it.
After the lawyer finally calmed down,
the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said.
'You are so worried about your possessions that you didn't notice anything else.'
'How can you say such a thing?'
asked the lawyer indignantly.
The policeman replied,
'Didn't you realize that your left arm is missing??
It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.'
The lawyer looked down in absolute horror,
'DAMN!' he screamed,
'MY ROLEX!!!'
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NEW Added on 12/26/2014
"Santas Pickup Lines"
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?
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NEW Added on 12/25/2014
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.
There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.
I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.
There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.
As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."
She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.
After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.
She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.
She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!
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NEW Added on 12/24/2014
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
at The SOPRANO'S HOUSE
'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.
When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."
When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"
As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!
"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"
Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
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NEW Added on 12/23/2014
SANTA AND THE ANGEL
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.
Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,
stressing Santa even more.
When he checked on his reindeer.
Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.
Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.
But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.
Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.
There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.
She asked,
"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"
And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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NEW Added on 12/22/2014
THE CHRISTMAS DIVORCE
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,
"I hate to ruin your day,
but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,
" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,
"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
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NEW Added on 12/21/2014
THE NEWLYWEDS
HER: I'm Hiding.................
HIM: I'll FIND YOU..............
HER: I'm Hiding.................
HIM: I'll FIND YOU...............
HER: I'm Hiding..................
HIM: When I Find You I Will Rip Off All Your Clothes,
And Make Wild Passionate Love To You!!.......
............................
....................
.......
Her: I'm Hiding .................
in the Closet.......
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NEW Added on 12/20/2014
THE WELFARE OFFICE
A woman is being interviewed by social services....
about her Welfare claim on the basis that she has 8 children and no job.
The social worker asks for the childrens' names.
"OK," says the mother,
"There's Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."
"Heavens," cries the social worker,
"isn't that a bit confusing?"
"Not at all, it's very simple,
when I want them all to do something I just call out WAYNE......
and they all come running."
"But what about when you want one to do something individually?"
"Simple, I just use their last names..."
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NEW Added on 12/19/2014
MONDAY SICKNESS
A guy starts at a new job on Thursday.
On Monday he calls in and says,
"I can't come in today, I'm sick."
He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday....
he calls in and says,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says,
"He's great. He does the work of two men.
We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says,
"You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays.
You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you.
What's the problem?
Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says,
"No, I don't drink or do drugs.
But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend....
and then beats on my sister.
So every Monday morning,
I go over to make sure she's all right.
She puts her head on my shoulder and cries....
one thing leads to another....
and the next thing you know....
I'm making love to her."
The boss says,
"You are having sex with your sister?"
The guy says,
"Hey, I told you I was sick."
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NEW Added on 12/18/2014
IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A guy goes to a doctor and says,
"Doc, you've got to help me.
My penis is orange."
The doctor pauses to think....
and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check.
The Doc tells the guy,
"This is very strange.
Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress....
the doc asks the guy,
"How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
The guy responds,
"No. The boss was a real asshole,
I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week....
and I had no say in anything that was happening.
I found a new job a couple of weeks ago....
I can set my own hours,
I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job....
and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy,
"How's your home life?"
The guy says,
"Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason.
But the guy says, "No.
For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag.
God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires,
"Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies,
"No, not really.
Most nights I just sit at home,
watch some porno flicks and munch on....
Cheetos!!!"
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NEW Added on 12/17/2014
WOMEN & SHOPPING
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes at the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale at the second.
At the third shop everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and was in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.
She decided to get to a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted,
“You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you?
I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town,
your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.
And he will now be your career!”
The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said,
“I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead.
Show me what you bought.”
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NEW Added on 12/16/2014
THE NURSING HOME
An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home....
and the old man says,
"I bet you can't guess how old I am."
The old woman says,
"Okay, unzip your pants."
The old man unzips his pants....
and the woman sticks here hand in and plays around for a minute,
she pulls her hand out and says,
"you're 89."
The old man looks at her increduously and asks,
"how did you know that?"
The old woman says,
"you told me yesterday!"
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NEW Added on 12/15/2014
THE NEW FERRARI
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available:
a brand new Ferrari GTO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world,
and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks,
“What kind of car ya’ got there sonny?”
The young man replies,
“A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man.
“ Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!”
states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks,
“Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says,
“That’s a pretty nice car, all right — but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes....
so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph!
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly,
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him, going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?”
the young man asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari,
he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror....
and sees the old man gaining on him again!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal....
and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.
The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably,
the old man is still alive!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says,
“Oh, my word! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers with his dying breath,
“Unhook…my…suspenders…from…your…side-view mirror.”
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NEW Added on 12/14/2014
THE DRUNK
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver,
“where have you been?”
“I’ve been to a bar,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop,
“it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,
“that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
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NEW Added on 12/13/2014
THE PORCH
A man walks up to his house and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch,
in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims.
The old man looks off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa,
what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?”
he asks again.
The old man slowly looks at him and says,
“Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma’s idea.”
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NEW Added on 12/12/2014
THE APPOINTMENT
A guy and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back.
“Not tonight, dear,” she says.
“I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow.”
The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.
“Honey, stop,” she says.
“I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning.”
“I know," he answers.
“But you don’t have to go to the dentist, do you?”
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NEW Added on 12/11/2014
THE CEO
A young executive is leaving the office late one evening.....
when he finds the CEO standing in front of the shredder....
with a piece of paper in her hand.
"Listen," says the CEO,
"this is a very sensitive and important document here,
and my secretary has gone for the night.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," says the young executive.
He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button.
"Thanks." says the CEO as her paper disappears inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."
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NEW Added on 12/10/2014
THE WITCH DOCTOR
A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.
The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says,
“I have placed a powerful spell on you....
but it will only work once a year.
Just say ‘one, two, three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had.
After your wife’s been satisfied....
simply say ‘one, two, three, four’ and it will disappear for 12 months.”
Later that night as the man is lying in bed....
he says to his wife, “Watch this!
One, two, three!”
His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife is amazed. She smiles and says,
“That’s great!
But what did you say ‘one, two, three’ for?”
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NEW Added on 12/9/2014
5 ALARM FIRE
A fire starts inside a chemical plant.....
and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around.
After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour.....
the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved!
I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
The crews try, but no one can get through.
Then another fire truck....
filled with a volunteer fire company of old timers 65 to 75,
comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno.
The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig.....
and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers,
"The first thing we’re going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck."
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NEW Added on 12/8/2014
SUICIDE!!
A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean.
Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears and says,
"Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for.
All you need is a new start.
I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like,
I can stow you away on my ship.
I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds,
"I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy."
She agrees......
The sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat.
Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit....
they then make passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asks.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains.
"He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," says the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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NEW Added on 12/7/2014
DIVORCED
These two guys had just gotten divorced....
and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska....
and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him,
"Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies,
he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked, "What's that board for?"
The trader said,
"Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"
The trader said,
"Well. take the boards with you....
and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left.
The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah," said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him," said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board!"
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NEW Added on 12/6/2014
OLD COUPLE IN HEAVEN
An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years.....
died together in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years....
mainly due to her interest in health food and proper diet.
When they reached the Pearly Gates,
St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion,
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen....
master bedroom suite....
and a fancy in-house jacuzzi.
The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.'
Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course
that the home faced upon.
They would have golfing privileges every day.
In addition, it changed to a new one daily....
representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, 'So, what are the green fees?'
St. Peter replied, 'This is Heaven, you play for free!'
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch....
with the best cuisine of the World laid out.
'How much to eat?' asked the old man.
'Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!!'
St. Peter replied with some exasperation.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly.
In a forceful voice, St. Peter said,
'That's the best part,you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like....
and you never get fat and you never get sick -- this is Heaven!'
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger....
throwing down his halo,
screaming wildly and taking the Lord's name in vain.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.
The old man glared at his wife and said,
'This is all your fault!
If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins,
I could have been here 20 years ago!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/5/2014
LAWYER JOKE
A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says,
"I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week.
Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says,
"Because I just love hearing it."
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NEW Added on 12/4/2014
THE CIRCUS
A couple takes their young son to the circus.
When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks,
"Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?"
"That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushes and says,
"Oh, that’s nothing."
The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda.
As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.
"That’s the elephant’s trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is......
The thing down there."
The father says, "Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis."
"Dad," the son asks,
"how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man takes a deep breath and explains,
"Son, I’ve spoiled that woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/3/2014
THE VIRGIN
A son comes home from college to West Virginia.....
and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.
“Dad, she’s fantastic.
She’s smart, she's beautiful, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring.
I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…”
“But what, son?” asks the father.
“She’s a virgin.”
The father scratches his beard and says,
“Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family....
she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/2/2014
THE GARDEN
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied.
“Both of them are daddy longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
“Well, we’re not having that sort of shit in our garden.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/1/2014
THE CHEATING WIFE
A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.
Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise.
He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screams,
"Stop! Stop!
You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you?"
The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw.
"Nope—you are.
I’m just going to set the garage on fire."
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