 IN THE BARI don't think you can pay for it.' The guy says 'You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?' The bartender says 'Only if what you show me ain't dirty or pornographic.' 'Deal!' says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. The bartender says, 'You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.' The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. 'Money or another miracle else no drink,' says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says 'It's a deal.' He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, 'Are you crazy?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. 'Not so,' says the guy. 'The hamster is a ventriloquist!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MAIDAfter a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. 'Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam.' 'I suppose my husband told you that?' 'Yes, he did. And furthermore,' the angry maid continued, 'I am better in bed than you!' 'And I suppose my husband told you that, too?' 'No, Madam,' said the maid. 'The butler did.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO DRUNKSwhen they come across a dog licking its privates. The first drunk says "I wish I could do that!" The other drunk responds "If you pat him on the head he might let you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WAYWARD DAD'Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman.' After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, 'Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George..... She and I have been married 30 years, and she's a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I fooled around with other women a lot. Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her.' George was broken-hearted. After eight months, he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, 'Diane said yes! We're getting married in June.' Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: 'Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this.' George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. 'Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,' he complained. 'Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.' 'Hah,' his mother chuckled, shaking her head, 'Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HANDSOME HANDYMANHe stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil.... then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said.... 'Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand.... put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' Hey, thanks!' the handsome young man said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?' The handsome young man said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there'. The fair young lady said, 'How do I know that when we get in to the alley.... you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?' The handsome young man said, 'I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose..... How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The young lady said, 'That's easy! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose..... put the anvil on top of the bucket..... and I'll hold the chickens!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BAD SEXwhen the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins. "Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells. "That's for 60 years of bad sex," she replies. A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins. "Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??" The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MARTIANSbut the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields and finally came into the city. They stopped at an intersection.... and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow and then to red. Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, "Let's get out of here. If there's one thing I hate.... it's a woman who's a tease." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO OLD LADIESOne lady turns to the other and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck on a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SEX THERAPISTEvery time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is. In fact, you could take it as a compliment!" "Yeah, I guess so," she complained, "but it almost always wakes me up!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE JEWISH MOTHERHe says, "I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house. He sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" She replies "She's the one I didn't like". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WILD SEX* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge. * It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies. * An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area. * The cat's exhausted from just watching you. * A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs. * You've both gone down one clothing size. * You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust. * You have to breathe into a brown paper bag. * You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NASTY DRUNK"A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here... and while you're at it, have one yourself." "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks. Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else." The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?" The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends." "I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve. "Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 19 BROTHERS AND SISTERS"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." "My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my mom would say, 'What?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARTINISand orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, 'Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.' The customer replies, 'I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADAM & EVE"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sex Education'Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?' The teacher asks, 'how old is your mother?' Little Mary says, 'forty'. The teacher says, 'yes, your mother could get pregnant.' The little girl asks, 'can my big sister get pregnant?' The teacher asks, 'how old is your sister?' Little Mary answers, 'nineteen'. The teacher says, 'oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant.' The little girl asks, 'can I get pregnant?' The teacher asks, 'how old are you?' Mary says 'I'm seven years old'. The teacher says, 'no, you can't get pregnant.' Little Johnny, who is sitting behind little Mary, gives her a poke and says, 'see, I told you we had nothing to worry about.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LITTLE JOHNNYThe teacher asked, "Johnny, what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test, and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Johnny both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Johnny replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Johnny: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Johnny: Bubble gum Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Johnny: "Shake hands" Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHEN I'M DEAD AND GONEThe husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INSURANCEnew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, 'If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.' 'Now,' he concluded, 'which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP TENTop Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy 1. Oh I just couldn't, she's only fourteen. 2. You can't feed that to the dog. 3. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 4. Please trim the fat off that steak. 5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 7. Duct tape won't fix that. 8. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 9. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 10. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUNBURNsettled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. 'You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility,' he explained. 'I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime...' The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, 'I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?' 'Not a thing for the sunburn,' the doctor replied, 'but it might keep the sheets off your legs!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIFESAVERSa bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children a Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?" The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange." Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A GOOD DATE!One Friday night right they had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time. The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud! She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BODY BUILDERand decided to head back to his place. By the time they got home he saw that the girl was so excited that he rips off his shirt, points to the bulging biceps and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!" The girl becomes even more excited. Seeing this, he then tears off his jeans, points to his muscular thighs and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!" The girl can hardly contain herself at this point. So finally, he drops his "fruit of the looms". The girl jumps up and runs for the door, the guy catches up with her and says, "Baby, where are you going?" She replies, "With 2000lbs. of dynamite and such a short fuse I was afraid you were going to explode!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NEW SECRETARYOne day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr.. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A SPANISH DELICACYWhile sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSEven When It's Bad......, It's Good!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Independence Day Please take a moment and remember all the men and women who fought and died for this country. Today we thank all our troops in conflict all over the world. Please do not fail to say thank you to all the Veterans who returned home.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL! AMAZING KAZOO PLAYER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BURGLARShining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he shone his light all over, and it finally rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?" The bird answered, "The same folks who would name a Rottweiler "Jesus'.! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE QUARTERBACKand then filed for divorce after spending only one day with her? He said that he thought he was getting a tight-end but... ended up with a wide receiver. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BOTH OF THEM??They talk for a while and then the friend asks, 'My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please?' The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's wife and college age daughter, both very good looking. Being adventurous and quick thinking, he says, 'Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me here to sexually satisfy both of you!' They stare at him and say, 'That can't be!' He replies, 'OK, let's check!' He shouts at his friend down the stairs, 'Both of them?' 'Yes,' comes the reply, 'Both of them!' 
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