 THE IRS AUDITfor advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE AMOROUS CLERKa pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth.... then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PEANUTSHe'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!" The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEAKING IN CODEthat they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on their sex life. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded telling her young child, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father the bad news. A few days later the mom told her "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father and came back to her mother and gave the father's response, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO OLD LADIESSuddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the tip off and puts it over the cigarette. Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom" So her friend asks: "What's a condom? Where did you get it?" So she says: "At the pharmacy" So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?" So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ELEVATOROne day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment...... an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a beautiful twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThe bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference..... pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch....... that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and screams at the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it..... Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge..... pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. An old drunk from the end of the bar.... who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust.... violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss," The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW DOCTORHe had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment. The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled "just what is so funny madam?" She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PASTORShe was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine the shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know ... I haven't had a cold all winter." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLIND MANThey come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LOVERS LANEHe sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car & sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine & a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car & knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window... 'Yes, officer?' 'What are you doing?' asked the officer. 'Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine...' Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?' The young man says: 'I believe she's knitting a sweater...' The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! 'What's your age, young man?' 'I'm 25, sir...'.. 'And her, what's her age?' The young man looks at his watch & says: 'She'll be 18 at midnight...' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO BLONDESOne day, they decided to take a different route. One of the Blondes remarked, "I never came this way before." To which her friend replied, "Must be the cobblestones!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KING ARTHURHe was worried about leaving beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said.... come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory..... where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt..... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin..... He then produced a large orange carrot........ He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt ........ whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and....... ordered them to drop their trousers for an informal inspection. Sure enough! Every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe brunette asks, "Did you hear about the new Blonde paint?" The redhead answers, "No" The brunette says, "It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DUMB GUYBefore the manager can correct the price to ten dollars, the dumb guy has twenty turkeys in his cart. The manager says to a stock boy, "Do whatever you can to keep him from buying all the turkeys." The stock boy says to the dumb guy , "Sir, these turkeys are all infected with AIDS." The dumb guy says, That's okay, I'm not gonna have sex with 'em, I'm gonna cook 'em and eat 'em." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEAR HUNTINGHe spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder...... and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said 'You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex.'...... Bob decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks.... Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said 'That was a huge mistake, Bob. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex.' Again, Bob thought it was better to comply. Although he survived...... it would take several months before Bob finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods........ managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said 'Admit it, Bob, You don't come here for the hunting do you?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BUBBAWithin a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Bubba, a part timer, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Bubba had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. 'First,' he said. 'I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want to wear protection.' The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. 'Well,' said Bubba. 'You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKENot enough sand. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe mechanic asks, 'What's the matter? She says, 'It just conked out.' After he we works on it a few minutes, it's purring like a kitten. 'What's the story?' she asks. 'Crap in the carburettor,' he replies. 'How often do I have to do that?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BOY"Dad, what's a penis?" The dad stutters for a minute and then unzips and says, "Well, son, this, is a penis, a perfect penis." The boy goes out to his friends and says, "Guys, this is a penis. A perfect one would be two inches shorter." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEwondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the desk clerk asked, "Why not?" "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed. "One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PICKLE FACTORYHe had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VETERINARIANAfter about five weeks of this, the pastor takes the lady on the side and says, "I really appreciate what you're doing, but how can you afford to do this?" To which the old lady replies, "It's not a problem, because every week my son sends me $2,000" Well, the pastor is flabbergasted, and tells the woman that she is truly blessed to have a son who takes such good care of her. "What does he do for a living?" he asks. "He's a veterinarian," she replies. "A veterinarian?!? My word, where is his practice?" The little old lady answers, "Well, he's got one cathouse in Reno, and another just outside Las Vegas." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP 101. -You have more fingers than you do teeth 2. -You cut your grass and find a car 3. -You consider Denny's a Fancy Restaurant 4. -Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors 5. -Your age is higher than your I.Q. 6. -Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?" 7. -You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear." 8. -You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up. 9. -You say "Watch this" every time just before you go to the hospital. 10. -Your wife and ex-wife are sisters. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEShe wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with one of the shopkeepers, the Blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator........ so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the Blonde turned and headed for the swamps....... set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home.... when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water.... shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim and kills the creature.... and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the Blonde flips the alligator on it's back..... and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE BOY'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DRAGON MANhe asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN AND SEXThey are never sure how long it is going to last..... or how many inches they are going to get. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EARLY WINTER FORECAST"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" "Can you imagine what it might be like," he replied, "...having eight inches of Snow in June?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW NEIGHBORSHe was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. 'Excuse me', our man stammered, 'but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.' 'Yeah? So?' his hulking neighbor replied. 'Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.' The burly husband is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. 'OK,' the husband says gruffly, 'for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts.' At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire burst free. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. 'Well, come on already, kiss 'em!' he growls. 'I can't.' replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. 'Why not?' demands the husband, getting really angry now. 'I don't have ten thousand dollars!' 
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