 RANDOM THOUGHTSIt Should Be Classified As A Super Power ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SOCIAL WORKERSThey heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You know, the person who did that really needs help." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEeven though she had no prior experience. She mounted the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the Blonde began to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabbed for the horse's mane, but couldn't seem to get a firm grip. She tried to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slid down the side of the horse anyway. The horse galloped along, ignoring its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leapt away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup...... She was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves.... as her head struck the ground over and over. As her head was battered against the ground, she was mere moments away from unconsciousness. Then, to her great fortune, the WalMart manager saw her and shut the horse off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LAWNMOWERBut, somehow I always had Something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, Making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she Thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into The house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the Grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a Limp. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSI'm Just saying that nobody has ever seen..... me and SUPERMAN in a room together.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROGShe puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says.... "Oral Sex Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one." He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there." To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing. She's totally frustrated and upset at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over." After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TAXIDERMISTSurprised, the bartender looks around and says 'You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?'. The guy says, 'I'm from Ohio' The bartender asks, 'What do you do up in Ohio?' The guy responds, 'I'm a taxidermist.' The bartender asks, 'A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?' The guy says 'I mount dead animals.' The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, 'It's OK boys, he's one of us. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INDIAN'S LANDIndians were running it. There were: - No Taxes - No Debt - Plenty buffalo - Plenty beaver - Medicine man free - Women did all the work and all the farming - Men have sex every night - Men hunted and fished all the time The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAMhas ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him an 800-pound gorilla with a huge erection and a sign around his neck. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHOKERa young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, 'Kin ya swaller?' She shook her head 'no.' 'Kin ya breathe?' Again she shakes her head 'no.' The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls up her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat. His companion is sitting there stunned. 'I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!' he says to his heroic friend. 'Yep, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSEat 30% of their Ice Cream. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEW ON A BUTTON"Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. " "Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it." About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a lot of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. His wife looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?" "Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine until she bent down to bite off the wee thread..... Then Mr. MacDonald walked in... " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTORS ADVICE1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GEORGE CARLIN QUOTEbut rather to skid in sideways.... Chardonnay in one hand.... chocolate in the other... body thoroughly used up... totally worn out and screaming... 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOCTOR Q & AA: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. \ Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSExcept for Tigers..... Tigers WILL KILL You! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFASTHer son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOG SHOWin the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the drug store for some hair remover. The druggist gave her the hair remover and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes" She said "Oh no, it's for my Chihuahua." "Oh well, in that case," said the druggist, "Don't ride a bike for an hour." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSThis Is Not What I Expected ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The DrunkThe officer pulled over across the street, and watched as the man stumbled around until he got into his car. After a few minutes, he then drove out of the lot. Immediately, the officer sped to intercept the obviously intoxicated driver. However, when a breath test showed that the driver had not been drinking, the annoyed officer asked the man why he was staggering all over the parking lot. The man replied: "Well officer, tonight I'm the designated decoy". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Satisfactionthe man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you are fully satisfied?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Applying For A JobThe chief engineer was conducting the interview. 'What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?' Fred quickly answered, 'Well, I'd call my brother.' The chief engineer just sat there for a second. 'Why would you call your brother?' 'He's never seen a train wreck before.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThey pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason." The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers...... I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The Blonde says "Don't you have a vase?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSI Didn't Use ALGEBRA Even Once ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ VIAGRA"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill...... and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice! The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Hell! I'm telling everybody!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE OBEDIENT ITALIAN WIFEand had saved all of his money. He was a "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his Italian wife... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. When he died, he was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her best friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and as the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "I hope you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with him." The loyal wife replied, "I'm an Italian Catholic and I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him." "I got it all together, put it into my account, and I wrote him a check.... When he cashes it, then he can spend it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSBecause No Great Story Ever Starts With a Salad! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOR SALE BY OWNER April 1997Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CIGARETTES AND TAMPONSThe sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own so does she. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ V DQ: What is worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD? A: Having your dentist tell you... 
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