 HAPPY 88th BIRTHDAY Wednesday April 9th  THE SILENT TREATMENTand were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ..' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DADDY, WHAT IS SEX?She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, ",Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEshe headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." This time quite scared, the Blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The very scared Blonde raised her head and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice answered, "NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NUDIST COLONYA. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time. Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? A. The one who can eat the last doughnut. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICE"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lawyer JokeA. They both look nice hanging from a tree. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARRIAGE SEMINARTom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SPECIALISTAfter trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, 'I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...' He is interrupted by the doctor, '...and a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.' 'Yes! Exactly! How did you know?' 'Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.' Two weeks go by and the man is back. 'Well, how do you feel?' 'Doc, I'm a new man!' he beams. 'I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. 'And, by the way you have a lovely home.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSholding someone down so they can't get away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE NUNSand found themselves at the gates of heaven, speaking to Saint Peter. Saint Peter says to them "Before I can let you into Heaven, I must ask you each a question. He asks the first young novice Nun, "Who was the first woman"? "Eve", she answers... and Saint Peter says... "Congratulations you may enter the Gates of Heaven!" He asks the second young novice Nun, "Where did Eve live"? "In the Garden Of Eden", she answers... and Saint Peter says... "Congratulations you may enter the Gates of Heaven!" To the third Nun..... an older Sister Superior he says "Because of your age and experience this will be a bit tougher" "What did Eve Say the first time she saw Adam"? She says, "Gee that's a hard one!"... and Saint Peter says... "Congratulations you may enter the gates of Heaven!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCEWhile on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WISH'And what will your third wish be?' The man looked at the genie and said, 'Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?' 'You have had two wishes already,' the genie said, 'but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.' 'Okay,' said the man, 'I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads.' 'Funny,' said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, 'That was your first wish, too!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS.....and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," the gambler laughed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FORTUNE TELLERJennifer went to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball..... the mystic delivered grave news. 'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.' Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face..... then at the single flickering candle..... then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself...... She simply had to know...... She met the fortune teller's gaze...... steadied her voice...... and asked her question..... 'Will I be acquitted?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSbut have to touch and check when you say the paint is wet? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BIRDS AND BEES"Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear, Jewelry" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEShe made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard...... she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better. In a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug.... She was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was surprised when the snowplow stopped..... The driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted..... but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Target next. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GREEK HOLIDAYacross a beautifully landscaped garden. Sitting nearby was an old Greek, morosely surveying the harbour below. Wayne said hello to him and commented on how nice the garden looked. The Greek looked up. 'I designed this garden and laid it out, and a dozen others just as beautiful. My gardens are the best in Greece. But do they call me Aristo the Gardener? Pah!' He spat and looked disgusted. 'What do they call you?' asked Wayne. The Greek ignored him. 'You see all those yachts down there in the harbour? I built all of them. I have built sixty wonderful yachts. I am a craftsman. But do they call me Aristo the Boat Builder? Pah!' He spat again. 'So, what do they call you?' persisted Wayne. The Greek went on. 'You see all those houses down there round the harbour? I built them all. I am a master builder. I have built a hundred beautiful houses. But do they call me Aristo the House Builder? Pah!' 'So, tell me, what do they call you?' repeated Wayne. 'I screw one sheep.....' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEShe was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, 'Is he breast fed or on the bottle?' 'Breast fed' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.' 'Naturally,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONFESSION"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest said, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes Father, it is." "Who was this woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Who was this woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asked, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?" "No." "Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?" "No." "Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?" "No." "Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?" "No." "Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?" "No, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally gave up and said, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers. Tommy walked back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slid over and whispered, "What happened?" "Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MANAGEMENT LESSONBut she dated someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!' Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. You can unscrew a light bulb. HAPPY 88th BIRTHDAY TODAY! Wednesday April 9th ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ZOOFinally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the horses came home at 30 to 1!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TRIBUTE TO JEWISH MOTHERS"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSbut it takes a whole box to start a campfire ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOUR FRIENDSAfter several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich, that he gave his best friend... a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday. The second guy said, My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets he's so rich that... he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third man said.... My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion. The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked.... What are all the congratulations for? One of the three said, We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son? The fourth man replied.... My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said... What a shame... What a disappointment. The fourth man replied He's my son and I love him. He hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet..... and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ATHEISTShe told her mother, 'Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.' 'Then why are you so sad?' her mother asked. 'Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell.' Her mother replied, 'Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHINESE HONEYMOONThe wife is a virgin, and very shy. She climbs into bed fully clothed, then strips off under the covers. The husband is gentile and caring and slowly starts getting undressed. He says to her: 'Don't worry my love, we can do this at your own pace. You tell what you want and I will do it for you. If there is anything I can do to put your mind at ease I do it for you, my love. Absolutely anything...' 'How about a 69?' she asks coyly. 'A 69??' he replies shocked. 'A 69??' 'You want Kung Pow Chicken... Now??' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DEATHBED CONFESSIONHis wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'My darling Susan,' he whispered. 'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.' He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you.' 'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.' 'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.' 'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.' 
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