 THE MAIDHe says........... Can I speak to my wife? She says......... No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend. He's mad and says............ Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun, Go upstairs and kill them both. Being the loyal maid, she says......... Ok. 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says........ Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies? He says......... Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home. She says............ We don't have a pool. He asks.......................... Is this 555-1234? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VIRGINAfter the second week, he made his move. 'No thank you.' she said politely. 'This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.' 'That must be rather difficult.' the man replied. 'Oh, I don't mind too much.' she said. 'But, it has my husband pretty upset.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOR SALE BY OWNERExcellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEBob the jogger spotted a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around, he stooped over, picked it up and slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. After finishing his run around the reservoir, he headed back to his apartment, pausing only momentarily at Central Park West to wait for the light to change. A Blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. 'What's that?' she asked. 'Tennis ball,' came the breathless reply. 'Oh, my goodness,' said the Blonde sympathetically, 'I can only imagine how painful that must be..... I once had tennis elbow.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NOAH'S ARKuntil the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints," "I'm your man." Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system. "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls. "Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. "Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over You. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord. "The government already has." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BILL & HILLARYThe row behind them was taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leaned over and whispered in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton paused, then grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaved her over the railing. She fell 10 feet to the top of the dugout, screaming obscenities. The President shook the hands of those near him and got high fives all around. The Secret Service agent leaned over again and whispered, "Mr. President, I said it's time to throw out the first pitch." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EXTRA LARGE CONDOMSextra large size condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEand how all Blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that Blondes really are smart. While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is O.K. She replies yes. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all Blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room. He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats? She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, For best results, Put On Two Coats! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SURVIVOR #6In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore and John Kerry, and I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas wins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WEDDING"Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," The child thought about this for a moment, then said: "So then why is the groom wearing black?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE NEW CHURCHa young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TROUBLE MAKERHe stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.' 'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BLIND MANSo the head nun picked two nuns to paint the room, but told them they couldn't get any paint on their clothes. They started painting, before deciding the best thing to do was to take all their clothing off, and then no paint would get on them. They do so, and it works out just fine. While they are painting, there was a knock at the door. The nuns asked, "Who is it?" A man replied, "Blind man, may I come in?" The nuns looked at each other and thought, well, he's blind, so he can't see us in the nude. They let him in and the man looked at them, saying, "Great knockers. Where do you want these blinds?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TURKEY STYLE??said the amorous hubby. "Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate. "Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" he asks. "Gobble, gobble, gobble!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HMO vs. PPOand during his tour of the floors he passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", he said , "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Mr. President, this man has a very serious condition..... where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry", he said . On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was having sex with a patient. "Oh my God", he said, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAUGHT SPEEDINGOfficer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for exceeding the speed limit. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes officer. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back-up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.) Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers. (The driver owned the car) Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box) Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. (trunk is opened - no body) Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FUJIFOO!He hired a local hooker and all night long she kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts........ and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEThe first brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, because I conceived while I was on my back." The other brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, because I conceived while I was on top." The Blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A SENIOR MOMENTWhen I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me!" Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA: Because when they come, they're wild and wet...... and when they go, they take your house and car with them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GOOD WIFEthinking about how good his wife had been to him..... and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good looking?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said....... "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so dumb?" The Lord responded, "So she could love you, my son." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WITCHES BREWUnfortunately she did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission. They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month. He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month. The witch told him, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven and pills buried say it best." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SICK JOKEAfter the first day on the job, he is down at the bar telling his best friend what had happened that day. 'You wouldn't believe it, the first day on the job and I find a woman tied to the track.' 'What did you do?' asked his buddy. 'I untied her, took her home and had a bottle of wine. Then we had fantastic sex, we did everything, doggy style, missionary, even the wheelbarrow!' 'Wow, she must have been very grateful for her rescue,' says the friend, 'what does she look like?' 'Oh, I don't know,' says Bob 'I never found her head.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PIRATEThe bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?" The pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg." Later the bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?" The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone." The bartender then asked " Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" The pirate said, "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye." The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?" The pirate responded, "First day with the hook." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Eagle & The StudSt. Peter said, 'I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as Priests. So what else would you like to be?' The first Priest says, 'I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains.' 'So be it,' said St. Peter, and, 'POOF,' the first Priest is gone. The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, 'Will any of this new action on Earth 'count' on my Heavenly tally?' 'No, son, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing this time around.' 'In that case,' says the second Priest, 'I've always wanted to be a stud!' 'So be it,' said St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two Priests. 'Will you have any difficulty locating them?' He asks. 'The first one should be easy,' says St. Peter. 'He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.' 'Why?' asks the Lord. 'Near as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere in a North Dakota blizzard.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HUMAN BODYOne human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).. The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW ITALIANS DO BUSINESS!The son says: 'I will choose my own bride!!!' Luigi says: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.' Son answers: 'Well, in that case . . . ok.' Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, 'I have a husband for your daughter...' Bill Gates answers: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!' Luigi says: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank' Bill Gates answers: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok.' Finally, Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank. Luigi says: 'I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president.' The president answers: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!' Luigi says : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.' The president answers: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok.' And that, my friends, is how Italians do business! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q and AA: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DRUGSTOREat checkout #3, and asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?" She says, "Sure -- what size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. So she unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves. Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure -- what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she says unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves. Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs. So she unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3." 
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