 THE DRUNKHe rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. 'I'm not getting out of bed at this time,' he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. 'Aren't you going to answer that?' says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take him long to realize the man is drunk. 'Hi there,' slurs the stranger. 'Can you give me a push?' 'No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!' screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, 'Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?' 'But the guy was drunk,' says the husband. 'It doesn't matter,' explains the wife. 'He needs our help and it would be nice to help him.' So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, 'Hey, do you still want a push?' He hears a voice cry out, 'Yes, please.' 'Where are you?' shouts the homeowner. The stranger calls back, 'I'm over here, on your swing.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSIf you don't know what you are talking about. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE 4th GRADER"Dad, everyone in class can count to 100, but I can only count to 10. How come?" His father says, "Well son, that's because you're from West Virginia." The next day, the 4th grader came home from school and says. "Dad, today everyone in class recited the entire alphabet. I only know up to the letter 'L'. How come?" Again, his father replies, "Well, that's because you're from West Virginia." Then one day, the 4th grader came home and was all excited, wearing a smile from ear to ear. He says, "Dad! Dad! Today, we were in gym class, and all the boys had little weiners, but mine was huge! Is that 'cause I'm from West Virginia?" His father replies, "No son, that's because you're 28 years old!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEHe wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead..... who would it be?" The Blonde quickly responded, "The living one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FORTUNE TELLERJennifer went to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball...... the mystic delivered grave news. 'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.' Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face.... then at the single flickering candle.... then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She met the fortune teller's gaze.... steadied her voice.... and asked her question.... 'Will I be acquitted?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSI just think that we should remove all the WARNING Labels....... and let the problem sort itself out! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GARDEN OF HEDONa guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and....... saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp..... We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Great," said the guy. "Count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his clothes and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing...... which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEShe left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons,...... so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The Blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The Blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The Blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ONCE A JERK, ALWAYS A JERK!His only companions are a pig and a dog. After a few weeks, he's been pretty successful........ built himself a shack and doing OK for food. The only problem, is that he's really starting to miss sex. He looks at the options open to him....... the dog and the pig. "Got to be the pig", he thinks. So, he starts to have sex with the pig and all of a sudden, the dog bites him on the ass. Damn, he thinks - this is no good!. The next day, he tries again....... the dog bites him on the ass again. He then goes for walk on the beach.... trying to think what he's going to do about this. and he comes across a beautiful young woman..... half drowned, lying on the beach. He carries her back to his shack and spends the next week...... taking care of her and getting her back to health. After a week, she finally comes around and says to him "I am just so grateful for what you've done...... I will do anything for you, just name it". "Hmmm, he thinks", looking at this beautiful young thing lying in his bed. "Well, there is something", he says nervously. "Yes, name it - anything at all - I'm yours" "Can you take this darn dog for a walk ?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSThat makes Ten Years in a row. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROGHe is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong...... puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life. He asks the frog, "OK what's next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table..... The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win..... but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAM AND BECKYSam says to Becky, "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right, three times..." "three, hmmm, well when were they?" "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted...... to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?... Remember, one day the bank president himself came over the house...... and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?... Well..." "Oh, Becky, you did that for me?! I love you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me... So when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and....... you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you?... Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself.... and then you were in good shape again?... Well...." "Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the school board.... And you were 67 votes short...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSto keep the crazies from following you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GENIEThe genie informs him that he gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his ex-wife gets double. "How about $1,000,000?" he asked. "Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000 in her account as well," said the genie. "I've always wanted a Jaguar, how about that?" "Your wife now has two of those cars." For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat me half to death?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOUTHERN BELLESOne of them had just returned from a shopping trip to New York City. In her sweetest, southern voice she said: 'Do you know, that in New York City, there are men who have sex with other men. One replied: 'And what do they call them'... The Belle replied, 'They call them homosexuals' The Belle went on... 'And did you know that in New York City, there are women who have sex with other women?' The other Belle said... I do declare, whatever do they call them? The Belle replied, 'They are called, 'Lesbians.'' Finally the returned Belle said: 'And did you know, there are men in New York City who "French" kiss a girls most private parts.' 'Oh my goodness, and what do they call those men?' The Belle blushed and replied, 'I'm not sure what the women of New York call them, but I called them SWEETHEART.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MAN AND THE RABBI'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man anxiously says, 'Yes.' 'Take the poison!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GAY GEORGEThe doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should give you a better understanding of what your ass is for." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ITALIAN GRANDMOTHER"Youa comma to the front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. Witha you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Comea inside, the elevator is ona the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'ma on the left. With you elbow, push my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but............. why am I pushing all these buttons with my elbow? "Whats-a-matter witha you??????????.... You gonna comma empty handed? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LITTLE OLD LADY"I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WILD HAIRAn old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?" And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND,... THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DAMN INCOME TAXESSt. Peter tells him that he cannot enter yet because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a dumb, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So, off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Marcus replies 'I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.' They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Russell up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous woman. Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is their friend Russell. They ask him how it is he's with this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these god-awful women. Russell replies, 'I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes!'.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE OLD MENThe doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BIRTH CONTROLThe patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked...... "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your lights, I knew I was gonna get screwed." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The American Diplomatwas being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir. " A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "American Diplomat sit on well." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WIDOWThey loaded up Bob's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house..... and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. 'I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Not to worry,' Alex said, 'we'll be happy to sleep in the barn.' A year later, Alex got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?' 'Yes, I do.' 'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house....... and have sex with her?' 'Yes, I have to admit that I did.' 'Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned red and he said, 'Yeah, I'm afraid I did.' 'Thanks Buddy! She just died and left me everything!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEfor a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why? After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars..... because it seems so interesting about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply she said, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Also saying, "thank you" and that they would get back to her. Next the Blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question. "What planet would you like to go to?" She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "Why? don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The Blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips, and said........ "Boy, are you guys dumb? I'd go at night." 
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