 AND, ..... THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation..... and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And,.... that's how the fight started... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE CLASSROOMSIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog'... is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking.... when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STRANGE BUT TRUEwho had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSIf they are holding a gun, she is probally upset! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PARANOID PEOPLEWhen you check behind your shower curtin for Murderers........... Just what do you intend to do when you find one? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HOLD-UPand demanded all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk..... and worked the counter himself for three hours.... until police showed up and grabbed him ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTS"How Stupid Can You Be?" Too many people are taking it as a challenge. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE CLASSROOMMILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Johnny, do you know why his father didn't punish him? JOHNNY: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND, ..... THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing; my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.' When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And that's how the fight started..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARabout who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with sex?" "That doesn't prove anything, think about this"...... the woman countered. "...When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it, wiggle it around and then pull it out, which feels better -- your ear or your finger?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEAs he approached the desk, the receptionist asked: 'Yes sir, may we help you?' 'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.' he said. 'We do not use language like that here,' she said. 'Please go outside and come back in........ and say that there's something wrong with your ear or something.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked' 'Yes?' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?' 'I can't pee out of it,' he replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARan exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman entered. The man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and handed her five $20 bills. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly said, "Paint my house." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKESaint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this also. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND, ..... THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSwhat side of the bathroom door you're on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 92 YEAR OLD MANA few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE HORNY MOUSEwent down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSBecause then the word "Premeditated"............ gets repeated over and over again............ in the courtroom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LINE-UPHe just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot".......... The man shouted, "that's not what I said!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE 40th ANNIVERSARYDuring the celebration, a fairy appeared. "Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish." The wife quickly said, "I want to travel around the world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF!... He was 90. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSFor example; If she's holding a gun, she's probably angry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EGGS BENEDICT???Q. What's the similarlarity between Eggs Benedict and Oral Sex. A: You can't get either at home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MIMEUnfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people.... and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, 'Help, Help me!', but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, 'Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND, ..... THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect." And that"s how the fight started........ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSsex with 2 people is a twosome........ now I understand why they call some men handsome! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE CLASSROOMDONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DRUNK JOKEThe operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" The drunk replies....... "How would I know?............ It's your plane!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CROWN ROYALThe bartenders asks "What's the happy occasion?" "It's not so happy," the guy replies, "I just found out my older son is gay. "Sorry about that," the bartender replies. A week later the same guy comes to the bar and asks the bartender to line up 20 shots of Crown Royal. The bartender says "I hope it's a happy occasion this time." "Not really," the guy replies, "I just found out my other son is gay." With that he drinks the shots and leaves. A month later the guy walks into the bar again and asks the bartender to give him the whole bottle instead of lining up shots. The bartender decides to ask the guy a personal question, "Doesn't anybody like girls in your house?" The guy replies "Yes, I just found out my wife does." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSthe more you have, the longer you live. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A BLONDE STORYThe doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a Blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?"..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TRUE STORYa small town on the banks of the Ohio River, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale..... it is indeed real........ An out of state traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by...... It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost like in the rain. It silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was certain the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, and he would surely drown! But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a ghostly hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window Finally the guy, frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car.... and ran through the storm to the nearby town. Wet and in shock, he went into a lighted tavern and with voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey. Shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence came over those listening and everybody got goose bumps. They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth. And the sounds of the storm continued outside. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Billy Bob, there's that idiot.... that got into our broken-down car while we was a pushin' it in the rain.'  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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HAPPY NEW YEAR