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ALEX HUNTER......
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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.

JOKES

Dec 2013
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Las Vegas Adult Entertainment





NEW Added on 12/31/2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR



THE GRAND FINALE
HAPPY NEW YEAR

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,

some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.

It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,

thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.

The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down,

and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer




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NEW Added on 12/30/2013

The Wit and the Wisdom of Homer Simpson

*"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake
IDs."

*"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

*"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you
through life: Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

*"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby,
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

*"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or
lose: it's how drunk you get."

*"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that
girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing
and such and such."

*"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day
and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

*"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives
those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

*"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a
scene.'"



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NEW Added on 12/29/2013

NURSE JENNY

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.

'She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.' said one doctor.

'Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours.

She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!'

The second doctor said, 'That's nothing.

Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.

She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!'

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall,

'Oh my God!' said the first doctor,

'I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!'


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NEW Added on 12/28/2013

REMEMBER??

Two elderly ladies have played bridge together for many years,

and naturally they have got to know each other pretty well.

One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says,

"I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me,

I just can't remember... would you please tell me your name again, dear?"

There is dead silence for a couple of minutes,

then the other lady responds,

"How soon do you need to know?"


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NEW Added on 12/27/2013

THE UNIQUE GIFT

A few days before Christmas,

a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for!

A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty,

but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.

Immediately Chet starts singing;

"Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities....

and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.

Chet now starts to sing

"Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife....

and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.

He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings

"Silent Night."

He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of

"Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed,

and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens

if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs,

and the bird begins to sing.......

Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!


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NEW Added on 12/26/2013

"Santas Pickup Lines"
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND


1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!

9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?




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NEW Added on 12/25/2013

ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A CHRISTMAS STORY

Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.

I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!


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NEW Added on 12/24/2013

ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
at The SOPRANO'S HOUSE

'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.

When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."

When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"

As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!

"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"

Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"




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NEW Added on 12/23/2013

SANTA AND THE ANGEL
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND

It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.

Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,

stressing Santa even more.

When he checked on his reindeer.

Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.

Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.

But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.

Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.

There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.

She asked,

"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"

And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.


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NEW Added on 12/22/2013

THE CHRISTMAS DIVORCE
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,

"I hate to ruin your day,

but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;

forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,

so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,

" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,

"You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says,

"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."


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NEW Added on 12/21/2013

THE ITALIAN VIRGINS

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.

However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room.

The newlyweds decide to call the groom's mother and get some advice on what to do.

The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there.

The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.

He calls his mother back to find out what to do next.

She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course.

The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing.

He calls his mother a third time.

Getting frustrated with the situation she says,

'Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!'

and hangs up on him.

A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back,

'Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?'


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NEW Added on 12/20/2013

DRUNK TEST

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says,

'Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube.'

The man says, 'Sorry, officer, I can't do that.

I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.'

'Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.'

'I can't do that either. I am a haemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.'

'Well, then, we need a urine sample.'

'I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic.....

If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.'

'All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.'

'I can't do that, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm drunk.'


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NEW Added on 12/19/2013

THE DRUG STORE

An eight year old boy and his Father were walking through a drug store when the boy noticed the condom display.

He said, "Daddy, what are those?"

His father replied, "those are condoms son and they are used for safe sex".

The boy said,"oh, I've heard of that in school".

He noticed the three pack and said to his father, "Daddy, who uses those".

His father replied, "those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday"

Then the boy looked at the six pack and said, "Daddy, who uses those".

His father replied, "son, those are for college boys.

Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday".

"Oh" the boy says.

Then the boy looks at a big twelve pack and says,

"and Daddy, who uses these".

His father looks at him one last time and says,

"Son, those are for married men,

One for January, one for February, one for March.......


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NEW Added on 12/18/2013

THE HAREM

Three guys were on a trip to the middle east.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women.

They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women.

No one else can touch them except me.

You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man,

"And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a sly grin,

"I'm a lollipop salesman!"


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NEW Added on 12/17/2013

THE FERTILITY DOCTOR

A young couple wanted to have a child.

The man started to get suspicious of the activities of his wife at the local fertility clinic.

He decided the next day to follow her on her way to the clinic.

He stood there watching as she went inside and she closed the door.

He slowly went up to the door and peeked through the keyhole.

What he saw was shocking, sure enough his wife was having sex on the floor with their fertility doctor.

He barged into the room and started screaming at them.

The doctor remained very calm,

even when the police showed up, he was still cool as ice.

The couple had wanted the fertility treatments,

the doctor explained in his court defense.

“I was giving his wife her last doses of pregnancy medicine for that day”.

He also mentioned that he didn’t even charge her for his services!

Unless the result happened to be pregnancy!


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NEW Added on 12/16/2013

FORMER PRESIDENTS

Many years ago, on a cruise ship that began sinking......

Ford says: What do we do?

Bush says: Man the lifeboats.

Reagan says: What lifeboats?

Carter says: Women first.

Nixon says: Screw the women........

and Bill Clinton says: You think we have time?


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NEW Added on 12/15/2013

TWO WHALES

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female:

"Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore.

Enraged, the male whale told the female,

"Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said,

"I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".


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NEW Added on 12/14/2013

FOUR SINNERS

Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven.

St. Peter says to the the first one,

"Have you ever touched a penis before."

The nun says "Yeah, with my finger."

St. Peter says, "Dip your finger in the holy water before you enter."

The second one says, "With my hand."

And she has to dip her whole hand in.

The third one's about to answer,

but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts,

"IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GARGLE THAT WATER

AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER ASS IN IT,

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!"


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NEW Added on 12/13/2013

THE DRUG STORE

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms,

I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.

She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure.

So she asked how big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said,

"I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm about that big."

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said,

"You're a medium."


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NEW Added on 12/12/2013

THE BLONDE AND THE LAWYER

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says,

"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer,

"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references,

no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress,

no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


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NEW Added on 12/11/2013

THE RESTAURANT

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and,

when the waitress asks for his order,

he says "I want a quickie"

She slaps his face and says,

"Now would you please give me your order?"

Again, he says,

" I want a quickie"

She slaps him again and says,

" I'll give you one last chance, what do you want?"

Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man,

"I think it's pronounced QUICHE."


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NEW Added on 12/10/2013

THE FROG STORY

One day, a young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint

"help me, help me."

She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path.

Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log.
The girl moves the log and picks up the frog.

"Oh, thank you, thank you," says the frog.

"Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."

So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow
and there in the morning is a handsome prince.

You don't believe this story?

Neither did her mother!


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NEW Added on 12/9/2013

BLONDE JOKE

Q. What are the worst six years in a Blonde's life?

A: Third Grade.


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NEW Added on 12/8/2013

THE DRUG STORE

A young man nervously walked up to the counter at the local drugstore.

'Excuse me, ma'am,' he stammered,

'may I speak to the pharmacist?'

'Son,' the old woman said,

'I am the pharmacist.

It's just my sister and me here.

What can I do for you?'

The customer said,

'Ah, well, it's rather embarrassing.'

'Young man, we've heard everything,' she assured him.

'Please, don't be nervous.'

'Well, I've had this huge erection for three days and can't get rid of it.

What can you give me for it?'

'Wait here. I'll be right back,' she said, walking into the office.

A few minutes later, she stepped back to the counter...

'My sister and I can give you twenty percent of the business and $4000 cash.'


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NEW Added on 12/7/2013

The G SPOT

What's the difference between the female G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will spend hours looking for the golf ball!


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NEW Added on 12/6/2013

AND, ..... THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!

I took my wife to a restaurant in London.

The waiter, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....


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NEW Added on 12/5/2013

THE NURSES

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home,

hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast........

and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here?

Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies.

"Except they won't let you fart."


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NEW Added on 12/4/2013

BLONDE JOKE

A Blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel
Breast Stroke Competition.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second.

However, there was no sign of the final contestant.

Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry.

Just as everyone was losing hope, the Blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her.

They embraced the young girl as she came ashore.

After all of the excitement died down..........

she leaned over to the judge and whispered,

"I hate to sound like a bad loser but,

I think those other girls used their arms."


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NEW Added on 12/3/2013

THE CANNIBAL

A cannibal invited a friend over for supper one evening.

While enjoying the soup, the friend said,

"Your wife sure makes a delicious soup!"

The cannibal replied,

"Yes, and I'm really going to miss her."


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NEW Added on 12/2/2013

IRVING YOU PIG

A woman recently lost her husband Irving,

He was a loathsome pig of a man!

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,

'Irving You Pig.......

remember that fur coat you promised me?'

She answered by saying,

'I bought it with the insurance money!'

She then said,

'Irving You Pig.........

remember that new car you promised me?'

She answered again saying,

'Well, I bought it with the insurance money!'

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,

'Irving You Pig.........

remember the night you said you wanted me to blow you?

Well.........

Here it comes.....'


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NEW Added on 12/1/2013

THE MONKEY

A highway patrolman comes upon a terrible accident on what looks like a safe section of road.
There was no evidence of another vehicle being involved.
Both the driver and passenger were dead.

As he looked upon the wreckage, a tiny monkey skipped out of the bush and sat at the cops feet.
The cop looked down at the little monkey and said,
"boy I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked at the cop and motioned his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" the cop asked.

Again the monkey nodded his head affirmative.

"Well, did u see what happened?"

"yes" motioned the monkey.

"Tell me what happened."

The monkey pretended to open and drink a beer.

"They were drinking?" asked the cop.

"Yes" nodded the monkey,
who then pinched his finger and thumb together and held it to his mouth.

"And smoking marijuana?"

The cleaver monkey again nodded yes.

"What else." asked the cop?

The monkey made a circle with his thumb and index finger on one hand,
and with the other hand, inserted the middle finger in and out,

"You mean they were having sex, too?"

"Yes" nodded the monkey,

"So you're telling me they were both drunk and stoned and
otherwise occupied before crashing."

"Yes" nodded the monkey,

"And what were you doing during this time?"

"Driving" the monkey motioned.


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