 INVENTIONS"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, Saint Peter points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?" Adam says, "Yes." "Well, says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters at high speeds. 3. The rear end wobbles too much. 4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm...", says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to our supercomputer, more men are riding my invention than yours." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEWhen the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims... "I don't have any money...... but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! " To that the man asks.... "Anything"?? And the Blonde says "yes.... Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me"..... He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"....She does!! He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!.. He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!... He then says "Go ahead... Take it out" With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!... She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips.... She says "HELLO, MOM"???? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STRANGE STORIESa Bank of America branch without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ITALIAN BUILDERSThey walked in the office and said, "We need one-a hundred four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" Salvatore said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "At-sa right, am-a need one-a hundred two-by-fours." "Alright", said the clerk. "How long do you want them?" Salvatore paused for a minute and said, "Uh...I'd better go check." After a while, Salvatore returned to the office and said, "We gonna need them a-longa time, we gonna build-a a house." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STRANGE STORIESand forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEQ. What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a Blonde? A. The prostitute says.... "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says.... "Are you done already?" The Blonde says..... "Beige.... I think I'll paint the ceiling Beige. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN on WOMEN(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 90 percent of her intelligence?... A. Divorced! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN on WOMEN(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A. When the first words out of her mouth are....... "A man once said"! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because a man's sperm will not stop and ask for directions. . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN on WOMEN(It's Payback time!)(Submitted by men)A. The dog! Because at least when you let him in he'll shut up! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN on MEN(Submitted by women)A. Trustworthy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOD'S HOLIDAYHe's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being number one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls for St. Peter. 'What about Mars', says St. Peter. 'No, I went there 15,000 years ago', says God. 'It was terrible, no atmosphere and too dusty.' 'What about Pluto', suggests St. Peter. 'No I went there about 10,000 years ago', says God. ' It was freezing'. 'What about Mercury then', says St. Peter. 'It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, It was so hot, never again' says God. 'Well what about Earth then' suggests St. Peter. 'You must be joking' says God. 'I went there about 2,000 years ago, Had my way with a Jewish girl named Mary, and they're still talking about it.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOLF JOKEShe enters to the pro shop and says, "I have a complaint. I was just bitten by an ant on your course." The pro replies, where did you get bitten, miss? She responds, "between the first and second holes" The pro thinks a second and says, "miss, if I were you, I'd narrow my stance!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ELDERLY MARRIAGEto marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather hopefully. 'Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,' she responded. The old guy paused.... then he asked, 'Was that one word or two?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN LOVE WITH MY DENTISTShe confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?" "Because he is the First man that ever said to me......... SPIT, don't SWALLOW." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BAR"Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" asked Eddie. "And how'd this one end?" "When it was over, "Harry replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really?" Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SATISFACTIONthe man asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you are fully satisfied?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, ' She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split 20 years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE RABBITapprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOING ON A DATEGloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and make love to you all night long!" "What should I do?" "Wear an old dress." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ARGUMENT"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted as he stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. He asked, "What took you so long to answer?" She answered, "I was in bed." He asked, "What were you doing in bed this late?" She answered, "I was getting a second opinion." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DADDY'S BIG TUMMYbouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son asks his mom, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your daddy has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
