 THE SNOW PLOWThey heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again. The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?" With the love and understanding in his voice..... that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMAN vs MANThis place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 911 CALL'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well I couldn't believe it.... he was a Little Person! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSthat is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKE"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is: your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?" he asked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CONFESSIONALUpon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE NEWSAT&T fired it's new President after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not the "Former President"....... who's lacking intelligence. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BARThe bartender says, 'Get out of here with that dog!' Big Mike protests, 'But this ain't just any dog... this here dog can play the piano!' The bartender replies, 'Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!' So Big Mike sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Elton John. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks Big Mike, 'What the Hell was that all about?' Big Mike replies, 'Oh, that was his mother. The bitch wants him to be a doctor.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RANDOM THOUGHTSto let him keep her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ADVICE COLUMNMy husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do. Signed Frustrated Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you have been Secretary of State, and plan to run for President, you don't need him anymore. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A NIGHT OF PASSIONIn the coach were a Texan, a very busty lady, and a greenhorn from the East. The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you one hundred dollars for a night of passion." The Texan was appalled. He pulled out his pistol..... shot the greenhorn right between the eyes..... and shoved his body out the door. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!" The Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a night of passion goes for twenty dollars." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WALMART STOREJohn worked for a while at a WalMart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of WalMart you are sometimes required to make store wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PAYDAYA man left work one Friday afternoon, but because it was payday.... instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys..... and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by and he didn't see his wife. Wednesday went by and he didn't see his wife. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough..... where he could see her a little.... out of the corner of his left eye. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SATAN AND THE OLD MANthe townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church...... except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope.' More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for over 48 years.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SISTER MARGARET DIEDShe immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind...... and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. NEVER MIND!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MAGIC FROGa magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. OK, bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female." The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that this bear was gay." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because.... I just shot and killed them both. The dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up. Within three minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them !" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available !" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DUMB BLONDEA gorgeous Blonde went zooming by at about 110 Mph. So he pulled her over . He asked for her drivers license and she said ' drivers license what's that?' He said that's usually in your purse and it has your picture on it. She said Ok she looked and found it then gave it to him. Than he asked for her registration and she said ' registration, what's that?' He said that it was the paper that is usually kept in your glove compartment and it proves that you own the car. She said Ok and looked and she found it and gave it to him. He said ok just wait here and he went back to his car and radioed the information in to the dispatch and the dispatcher says: wo wo wo wo wo, Is that a drop dead gorgeous Blonde? The cop says yes. The dispatcher asks if she is dumb as a door nail? The cop says yes why? He says ok this is what you have to do........ go back to her car and just drop your pants, The cop says WHAT??? The dispatcher says trust me just do it. The cop says ok........ So he goes and drops his pants and the Blonde says "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MOTH EXTERMINATORThe woman heard a noise, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. Her lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you," she replied with a knowing smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just step into the bathroom and I'll be with you in a minute." Before she could stop him........ he went into the bathroom where he found a naked man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied. "But.. but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SMILING CORPSESand a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man. 'This is Cletus,' he says. 'He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery.' He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. 'This is Bo,' the coroner says with a grin. 'He died having sex with Trudy-May.' Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. 'This is Roscoe,' says the coroner. 'He died after being struck by lightning.' 'Well,' asks the detective, 'Why was the fool smiling?' 'Oh,' says the coroner. 'He thought he was having his picture taken.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GIRL SCOUTSthe troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where...... a young couple was engaged in an indecent act. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late, several of the girls had more-or-less seen all. They asked their leader what was happening. "Well, if you... er... must know, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration." "WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE ELEVATORI was in the elevator when this busty Supermodel babe got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press one... So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q & AA. Vote. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISout of the corner of his eye: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES Thinking it was just a figment of his imagination he drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES He begins to realize that these signs are real. He then drives past a third sign: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.' 'Very well, my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a plate. This nun instructs, 'Please place $50 in the plate, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.' He gets $50 out of his wallet, places it in the plate, trots eagerly down the hall, and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FIRST DATEand before he could open his door his date said....... 'Wait a minute....... I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.' The guy says...... 'Well, give me some examples.' The girl proceeds to tell him..... 'Well the first way is........ If a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard....... then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. 'The second way is........ if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the keyhole....... that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either.' Then she said....... 'Honey, how do you unlock your door?' He answered........ 'Well, first....... before I do anything else........ I get down on my knees..... and proceed to lick and kiss the lock.......' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DRIVER'S LICENSEThe line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THREE NUNS IN HEAVENand immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in.... you have to answer a question." So he asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man that God created?" "Adam," she replied. The lights started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates. Then St.Peter asked the second nun, "What was the name of the first woman that God created?" "Eve," said the nun. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates. Then St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, "Gee, that's a hard one." And the lights started flashing, the music started playing.......... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BIRBAL and AMIT |
