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ALEX HUNTER......
PHOTOGRAPHY

"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.

JOKES

Aug 2013
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Las Vegas Adult Entertainment

NEW Added on 8/31/2013

NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat.

He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.

He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him.

When she takes the seat right next to him,

he is anxious to begin a conversation.

He asks,

"Where are you flying to today?"

She responds,

"To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Las Vegas."

His mind reeling, he asks,

"And what do you do at this meeting?"

"Well," she says,

"We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.

She explains,

"Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed,

when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait.

Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover,

when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting..." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.

"I'm sorry," she says,

"I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you!

What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies,

"Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."


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NEW Added on 8/30/2013

HAVING A BABY

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch...


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NEW Added on 8/29/2013

THE SPERM BANK

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares

I'm of Royal Blood with an I.Q. of 165,

I'd like to make a donation.

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

20 minutes later the man hasn't come out,

the nurse knocks on the door.

"Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed........

I used my right hand........

I used my left hand.

I poured cold water on it and........

hot water on it.

Could you help me?

The nurse replied

"I don't usually do this but you're kinda cute..."

She reaches down and begins to stroke him.

"I really appreciate this, but.........

I need help getting the cap off the jar!


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NEW Added on 8/28/2013

BLONDE JOKE

Two Blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first Blonde said, "These look like deer tracks."

The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!"

They argued for quite a while.

In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.


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NEW Added on 8/27/2013

THE CONFESSION

This fellow comes to confession.

'Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The priest asked, 'What did you do, my son?'

'I lusted,' the fellow replied.

'Tell me about it,' the priest said.

The fellow then related his story.

'Father, I am a delivery man for UPS.

Yesterday I was making a delivery in a wealthy section of the city.

When I rang the bell........

the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds.

She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect body.

And, she asked if I would like to come in.'

'And, what did you do, my son?' asked the priest.

'Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted.

Oh, how I lusted,' replied the man.

'Your sin has been forgiven,' replied the priest.

'You will get your reward in heaven, my son.'

'A reward, father?

What do you think my reward might be?' the fellow asked.

The priest replied,

'I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass.'


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NEW Added on 8/26/2013

THE PSYCHIATRIST

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture
of the problems.

Finally he asked,

"Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.

"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex.

"Yes!"

That seems somewhat unusual.

How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."


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NEW Added on 8/25/2013

Q & A

Q: What do an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

A: Men always miss them.


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NEW Added on 8/24/2013

BLONDE JOKES

Q: Why do Blondes where big hoop earrings?

A: To put their feet through.


Q: What's a Brunette's mating call?

A: Has that Blonde gone yet?


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NEW Added on 8/23/2013

NEW NEIGHBOR

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door.

He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard,

usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.

He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible,

hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more.

Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited.

The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

'Excuse me', our man stammered,

'but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.'

'Yeah? So?' his hulking neighbor replied.

'Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are.

I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.'

The burly husband is about to deck the guy when his wife appears and stops him.

She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments.

Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

'OK,' the husband says gruffly,

'for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts.'

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire burst free.

Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.

This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

'Well, come on already, kiss 'em!' he growls.

'I can't.' replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

'Why not?' demands the husband, getting really angry now.

'I don't have ten thousand dollars!'


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NEW Added on 8/22/2013

THE TRUCKER

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill.

Just as he was starting down the steep other side,

he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road,

making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times
as he was bearing down on them.

He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way,
so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck.

He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled,

'What the hell's the matter with you two?

Didn't you hear me blowing the horn?

You could have been killed!'

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver,
obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said,

'Look, I was coming,

she was coming,

and you were coming.

You were the only one with brakes.........'


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NEW Added on 8/21/2013

BLONDE JOKES

Q: Why did the Blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: Because she loved children.


Q: Why did the Blonde print TGIF in all her Shoes?

A: So she could remember that "Toes Go In First"!


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NEW Added on 8/20/2013

THE CONSTRUCTION SITE

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,

"You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while.

I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns,

the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom.

You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies,

but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you,

I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel!

Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells......


SUPPLIES!!



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NEW Added on 8/19/2013

BLONDE JOKES

Q: Why won't they hire a Blonde pharmacist?

A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.


Q: How can you tell if a Blonde works in an office?


A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde writes mysteries?

A: She has a checkbook.


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NEW Added on 8/18/2013

Applying For Social Security

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

'Will I have to go home and come back now?' he asks.
The woman says, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,'
as she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife
about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, 'You should have dropped your pants,
you might have qualified for disability, too.


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NEW Added on 8/17/2013

KINDERGARTEN

A kid comes home from his first day in kindergarten.

He says,

"Ma, I can't go back to that school.

Everybody calls me big head, fat head, you got a big fat disgusting head.

I can't go back to that school."

His mother says,

"Johnny, don't be ridiculous. You're beautiful.

You're the best looking kid in your class.

Now run down to the deli and get me three six-packs of beer."

He says, "How am I gonna carry 'em?"

She says, "Put 'em in your hat."


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NEW Added on 8/16/2013

THE DOCTORS OFFICE

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar,

It is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

"Well, doc, it's like this.

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing.

Then her left, but nothing.

She even tried with her mouth,

first with the teeth in,

then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door,

and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked.

"You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied,

"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"


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NEW Added on 8/15/2013

IN THE BAR

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender,

'Line me up three shots of your best scotch whiskey.'

The bartender walks over and promptly sets the three shots in front of him.

The guy immediately downs all three shots.

The bartender looks at him and says,

'Man, you really drank those fast - what's up?'

The fellow replies,

'Bartender if you had what I have you would have done the same thing!'

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the bartender,

'what do you have?' The guy replies,

'fifty-cents.'


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NEW Added on 8/14/2013

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,

especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.


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NEW Added on 8/13/2013

CONSTRUCTION SITE

A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site,

a guy working at the top accidentally knocked a brick off the 50th story,

when looking down he saw that his boss was in line to get hit by the brick,

and yelled, "Falling Brick".

The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side
as the brick crashed to the ground.

The boss looked up at the worker and yelled,

"A $100 bonus for you!".

Another guy working a floor below had observed what happened with the brick

and decided he wanted a $100 bonus too.

Unfortunately, he was a bit of a stutterer,

as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled

with a loud voice,

f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f..... "Forget it, your Dead"


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NEW Added on 8/12/2013

BLONDE JOKE

Q. Why should you never give a Blonde a coffee break?

A: It's too hard to re-train them.


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NEW Added on 8/11/2013

LAWYER JOKE

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates.
An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter,
checked his dossier and grimly said, 'Ah, you're an engineer;
you're in the wrong place.'

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in hell,
and began designing and building improvements.

After a while, the underworld had air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators,
and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer,
'So, how's it going down there in hell?'

Satan laughed and replied, 'Hey, things are going great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.'

God's face clouded over and he exploded,
'What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake;
he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.'

Satan shook his head, 'No way.
I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.'

God was as mad as he had ever been,
'This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it.

Send him back up here or I'll sue.'
Satan laughed uproariously,

'Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?'


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NEW Added on 8/10/2013

THE DELIVERY ROOM

Once upon a time a baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said,

"Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked,

"Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked,

"Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him close,

then poked him on the forehead with his index finger seven times saying,

"I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"


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NEW Added on 8/9/2013
RANDOM THOUGHTS
The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -

You're supposed to turn your clock back".


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NEW Added on 8/8/2013

Q & A

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A. Erotic is using a feather.....

....kinky is using the whole chicken.


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NEW Added on 8/7/2013

DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND

Our last fight was my fault,

my wife asked me what was on the T V and I said

"dust"!!!


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NEW Added on 8/6/2013

BLONDE JOKE

Three Blondes were walking through the desert

when they found a magic genie's lamp and the Genie said,

"I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So she became a redhead.

The second Blonde said,

"I wish I were smarter than her."

She became a brunette.

The third Blonde said,

"I wish I were smarter than both of them."

So she became a man.


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NEW Added on 8/5/2013
RANDOM THOUGHTS
SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money!

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


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NEW Added on 8/4/2013

BLONDE JOKES

Q: What is it called when a Blonde blows in another Blonde's ear?

A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call 10 Blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why did the Blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?

A: In case she had to draw blood!




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NEW Added on 8/3/2013

NO ONE WILL BUY IT
Top 10 Bonehead Technology Predictions

"[The telephone] is a great invention but who would want to use it?"
-- U.S President Rutherford Hayes (1872)

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Founder of Digital Equipment Corporation (1977)

"Everyone acquainted with the subject will recognize [the light bulb] as a conspicuous failure."
-- Chairman of the American Lighthouse Board (1880)

"Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever."
-- Thomas Edison (1889)

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value."
-- internal memo to the President of RCA (1921)

"Who the h*** wants to hear actors talk?"
-- one of the Warner Brothers (1927)

"Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant."
-- Canadian astronomer (1902)

"Television won't last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night."
-- Producer for 20th Century Fox (1946)

"We don't think we'd do well in the cell phone business."
-- Steve Jobs (2003)

"But what is this [microchip] good for?"
-- IBM Engineer (1968)


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NEW Added on 8/2/2013

MY REVELATION

I just realized something.

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year,

if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs,

but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks...

My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!


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NEW Added on 8/2/2013

THE BLIND DATE

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his.

But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's
never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike,

"I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first.

If you like what you see then everything goes as planned.

If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh!
and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out
he is awestruck at how beautiful she is.

He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts.....

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"


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NEW Added on 8/1/2013

THE BANK TELLER

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies,

"I beg your pardon, sir;

I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it.

I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So without saying anything the teller leaves the window

and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer,

"What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem, dammit!" the man says,

"I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and

I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager excitedly,

"and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"


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