 Going Fishingmade my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio...... and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back..... now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 years replied...... 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but...... I've stopped fishing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LAWYER JOKEShe told him that her husband prefered anal intercourse, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, 'Do you enjoy it?' She said that she did. He asked, 'Does it hurt you?' She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, 'Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't continue, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' The woman was mystified. She asked 'You can get pregnant from anal intercourse???' The doctor replied, 'Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE VIRGINSurprised at her choice, the friend exclaims, "you can't be serious, how can you wear white?" The woman asks why not? "Well", said the friend, "this is your FOURTH wedding and you're not a virgin!" "Oh, but I am" replied the woman. "My 1st husband was a Gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My 2nd husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My 3rd husband was a contractor & never showed up. But this time I'm marrying a Lawyer & I know I'll get screwed!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. & A.A. Because there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CAT & THE ROOSTERA rooster, a mouse, a worm, and a cat. In the middle of them is a pond. Every time the rooster tries to go around the pond to get the worm everyone moves around. If he goes the other way the same thing happens. So he decides to go over the pond. He gets a big run, jumps, and flaps his wings and gets over and gets the worm. He is very happy. The cat (who really wants to get the mouse) decides to try the same trick. He gets a big running start and SPLASH, right in the middle of the pond. The Moral of this story is.......... "Whenever there is a happy cock there is a wet pussy." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LION TAMERSOn the day of the auditions two people showed up. One was a young man, of 25, the other was a beautiful young woman of about the same age. The ringmaster led the two up to the cage and said, 'I won't lie to you, this is the most dangerous lion I have ever seen. He ate the two lion tamers I had before you. You have the choice of a pistol, whip, or chair to tame him, If you can do it you have the job. Who wants to go first?' The young lady says 'I will.' She walks past the pistol, whip, and chair and into the cage. The lion immediately sees her and charges. When the lion is halfway to her she throws open her robe....... revealing her luscious, nude young body. The lion stops dead in its tracks, purrs, then slowly walks toward her. It proceeds to lick her feet, ankles, and legs....... It then goes to sleep with it's head on her feet. The ringmaster exclaims 'Good lord, I have never seen anything like that! He then looks at the young man and says 'Do you think you can top that?' The young man says 'You bet I can, just get rid of that lion !' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LESBIANHe walked up to her and said 'Can I buy you a drink?' She replied 'Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me.' 'And why not?' replied the guy. 'Because I'm a lesbian.' she replied. 'Oh, so you're from Lebanon.' 'You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?' 'No, I can't say I do.' replied the guy. 'Let me try to explain.' said the blonde. 'You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long.' She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably. 'What's the matter with you?!' The guy slowly looked up at her and said 'My GOD... I think I'm a lesbian, too!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN vs WOMENA woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DIARY OF A DOG AND CATExcerpts from a Dog's Diary….8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Excerpts from a Cat's Diary…My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They delight in taunting me with that bright spot on the carpet..... that I always catch and it always disappears. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about..... what a 'good little hunter' I am...... the Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded . The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe......... for now....... meow.....meow.....meow..... ;-) Purr...Purr... I'm waiting!! ;-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE RANCH HANDShe was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day. He knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o' clock;came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did so, slowly. 'Now take off my skirt.' He did. 'Now take off my bra.' Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. 'Now,' she said, 'take off my panties.' He slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, 'Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ELDERLY TEXTINGThe wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you". The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAN'S ORIGINAL SIN ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN THE BEGINNING"The nerve endings," said St. Peter, "how many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Two hundred, O Mighty One." "Then we shall do the same for the woman." "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals, O Mightiest?" "How many did we put in Adam?" "Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One." "Oh yes, we wanted Adam to have a little pleasure procreating. Do the same for woman." "Yes, O Great Lord." "Wait! Hold it, St. Peter, Give her ten thousand, I want to hear her scream out my name..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Mink Coat''Show the lady your finest mink!'' the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the owner discreetly whispers to the man, ''Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.'' ''No problem! I'll write you a check!'' ''Very good, sir.'' says the shop owner. ''Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the cheque has cleared.'' So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, ''How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a single penny in your bank account!!'' ''I just had to come by,'' grinned the guy, ''to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!'' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ELDERLY LOVEso they could travel in together. After the examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss me?' 'In fact, I do', said the man. 'After I make love to my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.' 'This is very interesting', replied the doctor. 'Let me do some research and get back to you.' After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss me?' The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love the first time and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea why this would be?' 'Oh that old buzzard!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESA: They both get easier to pick-up with age. Q: What does a screen door and a Blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets. Q: What do you call two nuns and a Blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hillary Clintononly to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's about to run for President and this has happened to her. She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOCTORS OFFICEthe doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, 'No, everything is fine.' 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not,'I replied." "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UNDERSTANDING THE OIL CRISISWell, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in : ALASKA California Coastal Florida Coastal Louisiana Wyoming Colorado Kansas Oklahoma Pennsylvania and Texas Our dipsticks are located in DC Any Questions? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEA. To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ALZHEIMER'Swhen an ice-cream truck comes down the street. 'Do you want one?' asks Art. 'Yes, I'll have a chocolate cone, but write it down or otherwise you'll forget' says Chris. 'No I won't' says Art. 'Look, I want a chocolate cone with chocolate flakes, and I know you'll forget, so write it down' says Chris. 'I won't forget' says Art, getting slightly irritated. 'OK then, look - I want a chocolate cone with chocolate flakes, and strawberry sauce. Now write it down or you WILL forget' says Chris. Art is getting quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget. Chris says irritably 'I want a chocolate cone with chocolate flakes, and strawberry sauce with hundreds and thousands of little chopped nuts sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that so WRITE IT DOWN!' Art, now really annoyed, walks off and five minutes later comes back with a hot dog. Chris looks at him and says 'Where's my french fries?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RULES FOR MEN AND WOMENWine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. HOW A WOMAN SHOULD TREAT A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer, pizza & chicken wings. Don't block the TV. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For Women Onlywhen they see a five story hotel with a sign that reads 'For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have five floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside' So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads 'All the men here have it short and thin' The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads 'All the men here have it long and thin'. Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign read 'All the men here have it short and thick'. This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still two floors left, they move on to the next floor. In the fourth floor, the sign was perfect.... 'All the men here have it long and thick.' The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKESA: Introduces herself. Q: How can you tell when a Blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. Q: How can you tell who is a Blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. Q: What two things in the air can get a Blonde pregnant? A: Her feet! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUESTION TO PONDER...how do they get the casket lid shut? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE JEWISH GRANDMOTHERwho is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, push my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, Why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHERHe calls his grandson to his bedside, "Salvatore, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and.... maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say..... 'Times up!' "? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Independence Day Please take a moment and remember all the men and women who fought and died for this country. Today we thank all our troops in conflict all over the world. Please do not fail to say thank you to all the Veterans who returned home.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AMAZING KAZOO PLAYER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN AND BACON#2. Women taste wonderful........ Just like Bacon #3. Women will slowly kill you... Just like Bacon ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A MAN'S PERFECT DAY6:00 Alarm. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section of USA Today. 7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee. 7:30 Limo arrives. 7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport. 8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 12:15 Blowjob. 12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs. 17:00 Jet back home. En route, get a nude massage from Megan Fox. 19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Bush resigns. 19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York strip. 21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar. 22:00 Have sex with twin 21 year-old nymphomaniacs. 23:00 A nude massage from Vanessa Marcil and a Jacuzzi. 23:45 Go to bed. 23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A WOMAN'S PERFECT DAY8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 13:00 Shopping with friends. 14:00 Nap. 16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer. 16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage. 17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror. 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 22:00 Hot shower. Alone. 22:30 Make love. 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
