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ALEX HUNTER......
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"So Much Beauty, So Little Time..." ...A.H.

JOKES

Jun 2013
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Las Vegas Adult Entertainment

NEW Added on 6/30/2013

THE DIETICIAN

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here.
Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, ' Wedding cake.'


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NEW Added on 6/29/2013

ADAM and EVE

Back in the Garden of Eden, Adam stayed out very late for a few nights.
Eve was very suspicious, and became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,
only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.


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NEW Added on 6/28/2013

BLONDE JOKE

There were three hookers a Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead...

The brunette and the redhead are standing on the corner talking.

Brunette: "Geee! It's been real slow tonight."

Redhead: I've never seen business this bad!"

The Blonde walks up and says:

"I've been so busy tonight,

I can't keep up with the demand!"

They ask her how much she's made?

The Blonde say's:

"$100.25 "

They ask her:

"Who gave you the damn quarter?"

The Blonde replies:

"All of them!"


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NEW Added on 6/27/2013

IN THE OFFICE

A man went to apply for a job.

After filling out the application form,

he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his application and said,

"We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"


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NEW Added on 6/26/2013

TEXAS BAR / TAVERN SUES CHURCH

In a small Texas town (Mt. Vernon), Drummond's bar began construction

on a new building to increase their business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening

with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed right up till the week before opening when

lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that,

until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that

the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building,

either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or

any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork.

At the hearing he commented,

'I don't know how I'm going to decide this,

but as it appears from the paperwork,

we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer,

and an entire church congregation that does not.'




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NEW Added on 6/25/2013

THE LUCKY MAN

"You know," a guy told his buddies,

"I'm a lucky man.

I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day
when I had to stay home sick from work."

"What did she do?" someone asked.

"She was so happy to have me home," he said,

"that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout,

'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"


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NEW Added on 6/24/2013

THE FLIGHT

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable
weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!

The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life
in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned
to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane.

Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to
congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.

As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual
it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied.

Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!


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NEW Added on 6/23/2013

THE BIRDS AND BEES

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother,

"Is it true what Rita just told me?

That babies come out of the same place where boys put their weiners?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up
and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?


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NEW Added on 6/22/2013

NEW BABY

Michael Jackson and his wife were in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walked in and Michael asked:

"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replied, "I'd wait until he's at least 17."


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NEW Added on 6/21/2013

REDNECKS

You're a redneck if...

-You have more fingers than you do teeth

-You cut your grass and find a car

-You consider Denny's a Fancy Restaurant

-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors

-Your age is higher than your I.Q.

-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"

-You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole....

and she replies "Its a gummy bear."

-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.

-You say "Hold my Beer, and Watch This" everytime before you go to the hospital.

-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.


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NEW Added on 6/20/2013
RANDOM THOUGHTS
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


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NEW Added on 6/19/2013

HUNTING FLIES

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.

'What are you doing?'

She asked.

'Hunting Flies'

He responded.

'Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep.......

3 males, and 2 Females', he replied.

Intrigued, she asked

'How can you tell?'

'3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone'.


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NEW Added on 6/18/2013

BLONDE JOKE

A Blonde and a Brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over twenty.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.


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NEW Added on 6/17/2013

IN COURT

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,

"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

The judge says,

"You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."

The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,

"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime.

But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.

Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says,

"For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard,

and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."


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NEW Added on 6/16/2013

SVEN AND OLE

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet?

It vas Ole! Ole pulled up to him vit avide smile.

"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked

"Lena gave it to me"

She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"

"Vell, let me tell you vat happened.

Ve vere driving out ocounty road #6, in da middle of novere, when all of a sudden
Lena pulled off da road into da woods.

She parked, got out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said

"Ole you can have vatever you vant."...

So I took da car"


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NEW Added on 6/15/2013

THE VENTRILOQUIST

A young amateur ventriloquist is entertaining his friends in his local pub.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb Blonde jokes

when a Blonde woman at the other end of the bar begins shouting:

''I've heard enough of your stupid Blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and

in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because

you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only Blondes,

but women in general...

and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the Blonde yells,

''You stay out of this, mister!

I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!


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NEW Added on 6/14/2013
RANDOM THOUGHTS
Don't cry because it's over.......... Smile because it happened.


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NEW Added on 6/13/2013

AIRPLANE RIDE

A model from Texas and a model from New York were seated side by side
on an airplane.

The model from Texas, being friendly and all, said:

"So, where y'all from?"

The New York model said,

"From a place where they know better than to use a preposition
at the end of a sentence."

The model from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where y'all from, bitch?"


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NEW Added on 6/12/2013

PEGGY SUE

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date Peggy Sue.

Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw?

I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father,

"Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll Screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear.

Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation,

Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying

"Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later.......

a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house,........

slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY!........

THE TWIST!.........

IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"


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NEW Added on 6/11/2013

CONDOM SIZING

Harry noticed he was running low on condoms, so he went to the local drugstore.

"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.

When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size.

The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her.

He was delighted to oblige.

"Size six," she told him after a moment.

"Now, take it out honey. How many?"

Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom.

Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.

Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order,

"But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl.

So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure.

"Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?"

But Tom kept on going until he was done.

"None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning.

"I just came in for a fitting."


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NEW Added on 6/10/2013

BLONDE JOKES

This Blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the Blonde said,

"Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"


Did you hear about the Blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?

She got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia...


A government study has shown that Blondes do have more fun -

they just don't remember who with.





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NEW Added on 6/9/2013

THE FIREMAN

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side
and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the Wagon tied to a dog and cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "that sure is a nice
fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon
to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your
fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,
I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied,

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


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NEW Added on 6/8/2013

IN THE CLASSROOM

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


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NEW Added on 6/7/2013

THE PENGUIN

A penguin is driving his car on a hot summer day when he notices his oil light is on.

He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the ground.

So he drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few other cars to look at first and if he comes back
in an hour he should have a diagnosis.

The penguin agrees and goes for a walk.

A few blocks away he finds an ice cream shop and thinks:

'a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will hit the spot on a hot day like this'.

So he sits down at the counter and orders a big bowl of vanilla ice cream.

After messily devouring the ice cream, the penguin returns to the garage.

'Did you find out what was wrong with my car?' asks the penguin.

'It looks like you've blown a seal,' replies the mechanic.

'No, no,' the penguin says, 'it's just ice cream.'


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NEW Added on 6/6/2013

THE FARMER

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away.

So, he decided to test it on himself first.

He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and .....

voila, everything else was automatic!!

He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did.

When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.

He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success.

Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

The farmer:

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.

It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?"

Customer Service:

"Don't worry. The machine was programmed that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 quarts of milk."


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NEW Added on 6/5/2013

MY FIRST TIME

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.

I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame.

All at once the white stuff came
At last it's finished it's all over now
My first time ever at milking a cow.....




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NEW Added on 6/4/2013

BLONDE JOKE

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb.

One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell down and hurt ourselves.


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NEW Added on 6/3/2013

"I LOVE YOU"

HOW TO SAY, "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

English . . . . . . . . . .I Love You

Spanish . . . . . . .. . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime

German . . . . . . . . . .lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . .. .Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . .. Ti Amo

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia,
Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi and Kentucky:...

... Wa-Hoo lookit them Tits!!!


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NEW Added on 6/2/2013
THE ROBOT
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son

. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What?

At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says,

"Well, he is certainly your son ."

The robot slaps the mother.


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NEW Added on 6/1/2013

TRAILER TRASH?

(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)

I'm tired of paying property taxes, school taxes, state taxes, etc.

I want to live more independently.

Some may say I'll become trailer trash so I want your opinion before I make this decision.


Any opinions?



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