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HEF
HAPPY 87th BIRTHDAY
Tuesday April 9th
NEW Added on 4/30/2013
JEWELS
An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist,
"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.
"I know," she said.
"It's in case I should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away,
and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
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NEW Added on 4/29/2013
RANDOM THOUGHTS
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
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NEW Added on 4/28/2013
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that the autopsy began?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
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NEW Added on 4/27/2013
A STORY
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally,
after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top.....
but it won't keep you there.
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NEW Added on 4/26/2013
THE RECTUM STRECHER
(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
A lawyer from Canada drove down to the States for some fishing over the long weekend
in his beat-up station wagon.
Upon his return to Canada over the Rainbow Bridge, a cop jumps out at the end of the bridge
holding a radar gun and stops the car.
The cop walks over to the lawyer and asked 'Do you have any idea how fast you were going?'
The lawyer said in reply 'No.'
The cop then said 'You were going a hundred in a seventy zone.'
'Well, if you know then why the hell are you asking me?'
said the lawyer with sarcasm.
The cop thought to himself that he's got a little smartass on his hands,
looking at the lawyer's beat-up wagon, and his stench from the weekend of fishing,
the cop then said to the lawyer......
'I don't think you can afford the ticket there, buddy.'
The lawyer said 'Oh, I think I can.'
'What do you do for a living?' asked the cop.
'A Rectum Stretcher.' the lawyer said.
'A Rectum Stretcher?!?
Now, just what the hell does a Rectum Stretcher do?'
'I stretch rectums.' replied the lawyer.
'How the hell do you do that?' asked the cop with amazement.
'Well, at first you put a couple of fingers in there and stretch it out a bit......
then
work your hands in, and then your arms till it gets about 6 feet wide.'
said the lawyer.
'What the hell do you do with a six foot rectum?'
asked the now confused cop.
'You give him a radar gun......
dress him in a blue uniform....
and put him at the end of the Rainbow Bridge.'
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NEW Added on 4/25/2013
THE FLOOD
One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of
a sudden it started raining really hard.
After about 1 full hour
of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole
church was flooding,
but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water.
A guy in a car came up to him and said.
"Preacher,Preacher you better get in
here before you drown!"
But the preacher just replied
"Don't worry God will save me."
The man drove away.
The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and
said
"Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"
Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied
"Don't
worry God will save me."
The man rowed away in the orange raft.
The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and
said
"Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"
Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied
"Don't
worry God will save me."
With that the man jetted away in the power boat.
The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said
"Preacher,
Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown
"
The Preacher still just stood there and replied
"Don't worry God will save me."
And
with that the man flew away.
The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died.
When he
opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven.
He then saw God and
asked "God!
Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?"
God then replied,
" I sent you a car....
a raft....
a power boat....
and a helicopter!
What else do you want from me?"
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NEW Added on 4/24/2013
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
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NEW Added on 4/23/2013
AN AGE OLD QUESTION
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
I have the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
This is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you’ll never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
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NEW Added on 4/22/2013
IN THE BAR
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar,
and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket,
then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket
and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says,
'Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long.
But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.'
The customer replies,
'I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home.'
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NEW Added on 4/21/2013
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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NEW Added on 4/20/2013
THE LITTLE GIRL
A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. He's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent.
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said,
"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block......
so another dog is pushing her home."
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NEW Added on 4/19/2013
BLONDE JOKES
Q: Why do Blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating Blonde men.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
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NEW Added on 4/18/2013
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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NEW Added on 4/17/2013
MEN'S MULTI TASKING
(Thanks to John W. in "God's Country" Colorado)
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NEW Added on 4/16/2013
MARRIED MEN
In a small town in New Jersey,
there is a large factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him,
"Why is it you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied.
"It is because our employees are used to obeying orders,
are accustomed to being shoved around,
know how to keep their mouths shut...
and don't pout when I yell at them."
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NEW Added on 4/15/2013
BLONDE JOKE
Two Blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock
the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder,
its starting to rain and the top is down!
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NEW Added on 4/14/2013
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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NEW Added on 4/13/2013
THE HEARING AIDS
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied,
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"
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NEW Added on 4/12/2013
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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NEW Added on 4/11/2013
ONCE UPON A TIME..
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter.
Everything the girl touched, would melt.
No matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc.
Everything she touched would melt!
Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.
One day a wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands,
her problem will be cured."
The king was overjoyed.
The next day, he held a competition, any man that can bring his daughter
an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest
and will not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted!
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a very hard alloy,
but the same thing happened.....so he too went away.
The third prince told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel it"
The princess did as told, though turning red.
Ta Da! It did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed!!!
And, the third prince lived happily with the princess ever after........
Question: What was the object?
(Scroll down for the answer)
Answer: M&Ms , melts in your mouth and not in your hands!
(what were you thinking ????????)
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NEW Added on 4/10/2013
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
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HEF
HAPPY 87th BIRTHDAY
Tuesday April 9th
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 4/9/2013
THE DEAD FROG
A little boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog behind him.
He slaps a hundred dollars on the counter and says, Gimmie a whore with herpes.
The woman behind the counter said she couldn't possibly give him a whore with herpes.
So the little boy slapped two hundred more dollars on the table and insisted,
Gimmie a whore with herpes.
The woman sighed and said, go up the stairs and down the hall, third door on the left.
The little boy did, he came back down ten minutes later and starts to leave
but the woman stops him.
Can I ask you a question? she asked.
The little boy nodded.
Why did you want a whore with herpes? she asked.
Well, the little boy explained,
I have herpes now,...
I'll give it to the baby sitter,...
she'll give it to my dad,...
My dad will give it to my mom,...
My mom will give it to the neighbor,...
Who will give it to his wife,...
She'll give it to the mailman,...
and......
He's the bastard who ran over my frog!
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NEW Added on 4/8/2013
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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NEW Added on 4/7/2013
THE GENIE
A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie pops out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish'.
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.
'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world'.
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life'.
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up', the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'.
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NEW Added on 4/6/2013
CARTOONS
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NEW Added on 4/5/2013
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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NEW Added on 4/4/2013
THE SHIPWRECK
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there
awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening
to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they
sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The
dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from
around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the redneck had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they
rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their
evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.
He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously
leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
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NEW Added on 4/3/2013
NASTY REDNECK JOKES
Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?
A: I-75
A West Virginian came home and found his house on fire.....
rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here.
My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups
of 18 or more?
A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
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NEW Added on 4/2/2013
LAWYER & WITNESS....Q & A
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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NEW Added on 4/1/2013
LITTLE JOHNNY
Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen?
Johnny said......
"It's that damn neighbor girl Suzy.
Her braces are too darned sharp.""
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