 
Las Vegas Adult Entertainment
NEW Added on 2/28/2013
HOW TO TEST YOUR AC
(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
It's that time of the year again...
How to Check Your Car's Air Conditioner
1. Start the engine and roll up the windows.
2. Turn on the A/C put the fan on Hi
3. Place the tester in the car, wait 30 seconds:
Yep... It's working fine!!!
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NEW Added on 2/27/2013
HELICOPTER RIDE
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say,
'Esther,I'd like to ride in that
helicopter.'
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if
you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I
did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'
Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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NEW Added on 2/26/2013
CATHOLIC SCHOOL
Little Alex was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort.....
they took Alex down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Alex came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Alex was hard at work.
His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word.....
and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for months.
Finally, little Alex brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise....
little Alex got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said,
"Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?"
Little Alex looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
Little Alex looked at her and said,
"Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign....
I knew they weren't fooling around."
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NEW Added on 2/25/2013
ERNESTO The CARETAKER
(Thanks to BEN in Dallas)
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky.
He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor!
A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!
What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor.
She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief so.....
I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
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NEW Added on 2/24/2013
PROUD FATHER
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six,"
in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party.
The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if
his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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NEW Added on 2/23/2013
Q & A
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
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NEW Added on 2/22/2013
MORE JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What do you have, when you have 12 Lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A. Juan on Juan
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NEW Added on 2/21/2013
Q & A
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A.No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party......
A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
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NEW Added on 2/20/2013
MORE JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. Why do criminals want to move to West Virginia ?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.
Q. Why do drivers' education classes in Southern schools use the car only on...
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
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NEW Added on 2/19/2013
HOW TO START A FIGHT
(Thanks to CINDI in LAS VEGAS)
My wife
was hinting about what she wanted......
for our
upcoming
Anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150 in
About 3 seconds."
I bought her
a chrome bathroom scale.
And then the fight
started.......
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NEW Added on 2/18/2013
MORE JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Q. Why do Las Vegas strippers have belly button rings?
A. That's where they hang the air freshener.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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NEW Added on 2/17/2013
HOW TO START A FIGHT
(Thanks to CINDI in LAS VEGAS)
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight
started...
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NEW Added on 2/16/2013
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. What do you call a smart Blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a Blonde baby?
A. They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'
Q. What is an Irish 7 course meal?
A. A six pack and a potato.
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NEW Added on 2/15/2013
THE ZOO
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
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NEW Added on 2/14/2013
Q & A
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What has four legs and an arm?
A. A happy pit-bull.
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NEW Added on 2/13/2013
THE BARBER SHOP
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
"How long before I can
get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About two hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop
and said,
"About three hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long
before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said,
"About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow
that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said, "Your house".
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NEW Added on 2/12/2013
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What did the Blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
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NEW Added on 2/11/2013
HOW TO START A FIGHT
(Thanks to CINDI in LAS VEGAS)
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion,
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he
sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know
him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.
I understand
he took
To drinking
right after we split up those many years
ago,
I hear he
Hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I
said,
"Who would think a person could go on
Celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight
started...
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NEW Added on 2/10/2013
TRIBUTE TO JEWISH MOTHERS
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat!
Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the
other kids?"
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NEW Added on 2/9/2013
NOAH AND THE ARK
In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in the
United States, and said,
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me'.
'Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans'.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
I needed
a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for
the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that
the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it'.
'Noah continued, getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to
convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to SAVE the owls
- but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work.
The trade unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire
only union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord.
'The government beat me to it.'
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NEW Added on 2/8/2013
BLONDE JOKE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very Blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered,
'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
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NEW Added on 2/7/2013
HOW TO START A FIGHT
(Thanks to CINDI in LAS VEGAS)
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have
sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your
final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply
saying, 'Yes..'
So I said,
"Then I'd like to phone a
friend."
And that's when the fight
started...
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NEW Added on 2/6/2013
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the Blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The Blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
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NEW Added on 2/5/2013
RANDOM THOUGHTS
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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NEW Added on 2/4/2013
THE VACATION
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such....
when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
Jamaican accent say,
'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said,
'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in...
Dey make you wild at sex.
'The wife got really interested in buying the sandals,
but the husband felt he really didn't need them.
The husband asked the shopkeeper,
'How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.
You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.
'So the husband, after some badgering from his wife,
finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes.
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,
'You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon....
you got dem on da wrong feet!'...
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NEW Added on 2/3/2013
TRIBUTE TO JEWISH MOTHERS
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint?
Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?
Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
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NEW Added on 2/2/2013
THE FLU BUGS
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.
When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day
they would go to bed at 5:15.
In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.
This went on for months, never missing a day until
the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.
These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over
their survival plans.
One germ said,
"I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot.
I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".
A second exclaimed,
"I am going to hide behind her right ear.
I don't think they'll find me there."
The last germ said,
"I don't know about you guys, but when the 5:15 pulls out tonight,
I'm gonna be on it!"
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NEW Added on 2/2/2013
NEW AIRLINE CHARGES
CLICK HERE
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NEW Added on 2/1/2013
GETTING EVEN
Q. How do you get even with a lying cheating bitch?
A. Pour a bottle of Champagne on her grave,
after passing it through your kidneys.
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