 
Las Vegas Adult Entertainment
NEW Added on 12/31/2012
 HAPPY NEW YEAR
DEATHBED CONFESSION
John was on his deathbed.
His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
'My darling Susan,' he whispered.
'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'
He was insistent.
'Susan,' he said in his tired voice.
'I have something I must confess to you.'
'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan.
'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'
'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan.
I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.'
'I know,' she replied.
'That's why I poisoned you.'
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NEW Added on 12/30/2012
COMPUTERS HAVE GENDER?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated
as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil', she described, would have a gender
association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked,
'What gender is a computer?'
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups
and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to
in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you decide on one, you realize that,
if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to
in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you decide on one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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NEW Added on 12/29/2012
QUICK COMBACK
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says,
"Would you like to dance?"
The girl says,
"I don't like this song........
but even if I did.........
I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says,
"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me.......
I said you look fat in those pants.
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NEW Added on 12/28/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Q. What goes " vroom-screech-vroom-screch-vroom-screech... "
A. A Blonde at a flashing red light.
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NEW Added on 12/27/2012
"Santas Pickup Lines"
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
3. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
4. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
6. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
7. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
8. Forget the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
9. Wanna join My "Mile High" club?
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NEW Added on 12/26/2012
CHRISTMAS DAY THOUGHTS
This morning we heard a story on the radio of a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children.
After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable,
and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw
on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of
the of year.
She had overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming,
taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that perfect gift for every
single person on her shopping list...
And at the same time, making sure we don't forget anyone on our card list,
and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.
Finally, the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car.
She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and
all the bags of stuff.
When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated,
"Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot."
From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet calm voice respond,
"Don't worry--we already crucified Him."
We wish you peace on earth and good will toward man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/25/2012
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Twas, the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and no stupid clatter.
There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my Hewlet Packard and me.
I won't race to the window, I'll have no ecstasy.
I'll just sit right here... with Windows XP.
There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.
As I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And asked, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.
She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right."
She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How, she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because, she was forced, to do such silly deeds.
She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me...... she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He's always too busy, and getting too old.
Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got *really* good.
After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.
She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said, only.... on this night, she could be found.
It is only.... this night, her husband leaves town.
She said bye, and signed off... And, I had to pause.
I think I just cybered... with *Mrs.* Santa Claus!!!!
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NEW Added on 12/24/2012
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
at The SOPRANO'S HOUSE
'Twas the night before christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin,
Cause I had a gun under da pilla.
When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window and yelled,
"Yo!, Keep it down."
When what to my wonderin'
eyes should appear,
But the Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' slicked back hair,
and a red silk suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a wack 'side dare heads,
He shouted and swore,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Vinny, Yo Paulie,
Yo Augie, Yo Vito;
Hay Tony, Hay Joey,
Hay Frankie and Guido!"
As I pulled out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew in'da window,
And smacked me in'da head!
"What da hell you doin',
Pullin' a gun on da Don?"
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin moron!"
Den shovin' his finga,
Right under my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he gave dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did not expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
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NEW Added on 12/23/2012
SANTA AND THE ANGEL
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
It had been a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.
Then Mrs. Claus said that her mother was coming for a visit,
stressing Santa even more.
When he checked on his reindeer.
Three were about to give birth, and two had run off to who knows where.
Santa then decided to get coffee and a shot of whiskey.
But the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and emptied it.
Then the doorbell rang, and Santa cussed under his breath on the way to the door.
There was this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.
She asked,
"Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"
And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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NEW Added on 12/22/2012
THE CHRISTMAS DIVORCE
ANNUAL TRADITION - BY POPULAR DEMAND
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says,
"I hate to ruin your day,
but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,
" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,
"You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,
"the kids are coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
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NEW Added on 12/21/2012
THE VACATION
Bob says to Lester,
"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go.
Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant.
Last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas,
and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
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NEW Added on 12/20/2012
DRINKING & DRIVING
At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great regularity,
I would like to share a personal experience with everyone
about drinking and driving.
As you well know,
some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities
on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends
and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit,
I did something I've never done before, I took a cab home.
Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab,
they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise,
since I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it
or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
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NEW Added on 12/19/2012
THE TRAIN
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes,
"If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my sexy legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says,
"If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00,
I'll show you my beautiful thighs,"
Men being men, all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men are a bit excited.
Then the young girl says,
"If you each give me $100......
I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money.
The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing.
"See there in the distance.
That's the hospital where I had it done!"
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NEW Added on 12/18/2012
THE JUDGE
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
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NEW Added on 12/17/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What did the Blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 7.
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NEW Added on 12/16/2012
Q. & A.
Q: Whats the difference between a guy looking for a golf ball and......
a guy looking for the G-Spot?
A: He'll look all day for the golf ball.
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NEW Added on 12/15/2012
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde opened a box of Cheerios® and exclaimed
"LOOK!, A box of donut seeds!"
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NEW Added on 12/14/2012
THE COW
A small village in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk.
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from
Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles.
So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow:
had a wonderful disposition,
and gave lots of milk and lots of cream.
Everybody loved it dearly.
The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it,
and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.
When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow,
the cow moved to the left.
When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left,
the cow moved to the right.
This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation,
the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do.
After all he was very wise.
They told him the story:
"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow.
When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and
when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right.
What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked,
"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one,
"You are so wise!
We never said we bought the cow from Minsk.
How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly,
"My wife is from Minsk."
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NEW Added on 12/13/2012
BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks
"Where did you get that pig?"
The pig says,
"I won her in a raffle!"
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NEW Added on 12/12/2012
AT THE VET'S
There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's,
a black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab.
The black lab turns to the brown lab and says,
"Why are you here?"
The brown lab says,
"I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.
I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes,
but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed."
The black lab says,
"What is the vet going to do to you?"
And the brown lab says, sadly,
"Lethal injection."
Then the brown lab asks the black,
"Why are you here?"
The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences,
I dig up the flowers, the bushes.
When I'm inside,
I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa."
The brown lab says,
"What's the vet going to do to you?"
And the black lab says sadly,
"Lethal injection."
Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask,
"Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper.
I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant.
Whatever I see, I want to hump.
Last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it,
I just hopped on her back and humped her."
The black lab says,
"So you're here for a lethal injection, too?"
"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
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NEW Added on 12/11/2012
THE QUICK MARRIAGE
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married.
They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
While they were lying by the pool one morning, he climbed the ten- meter board,
and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in
the jackknife position.
When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel,
hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said,
"I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
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NEW Added on 12/10/2012
TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.
That's when you put a bag over your head in case....
the bag over her head comes off.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy,
I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW Added on 12/9/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What's the first thing a Blonde does in the morning?
A: She introduces herself.
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NEW Added on 12/8/2012
THE GENIE
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up
out of his ashtray.
'And what will your third wish be?'
The man looked at the genie and said, 'Huh?
How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?'
'You have had two wishes already,' the genie said,
'but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was
before you made your first wish.
Thus, you remember nothing,
because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.
You now have one wish left.'
'Okay,' said the man,
'I don't believe this, but what the heck.
I've always wanted to understand women.
I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads.'
'Funny,' said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,
'That was your first wish, too!'
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NEW Added on 12/7/2012
TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
I know I'm not sexy.
When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
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NEW Added on 12/6/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
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NEW Added on 12/5/2012
IN THE BAR
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.
Jill, the barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit.
At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed.
Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again
after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if
she will sleep with him again for $200.
She figures why not - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights.
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar.
But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.
She goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him what part of Australia he's from and he tells her Melbourne.
'So am I,' she says.
'What suburb in Melbourne?'
'Glen Iris,' he says.
'That's amazing,' she says, 'so am I - what street?'
'Cameo Street,' he says.
'This is unbelievable,' she says, 'what number?'
He says 'Number 20' and she is astonished.
'You are not going to believe this,' she says,
'I'm from number 22 - my parents still live there!'
'I know,' he says
'your father gave me $1,000 to give you.'
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NEW Added on 12/4/2012
The Marriage Counselor
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be,
the marriage counselor suggested they vary their position.
'For example,' he suggested, 'you might try the wheelbarrow.
Lift her legs from behind and off you go.'
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
'Well, okay,' the hesitant wife agreed, 'but on two conditions.
First, if it hurts you have to stop right away,
and second...' she continued,
'you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house.'
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NEW Added on 12/3/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Q: How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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NEW Added on 12/2/2012
TRIBUTE TO RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said, "No, I hate myself now."
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging naked.
I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
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NEW Added on 12/1/2012
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
(Note: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your physician.)
1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ
and boy scout rank? ____________________
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? _________
If "No", explain:________________
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. A waterbed? ____
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring or
is any part of your body pierced ? _______
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____
*If you have answered YES to #3, #4, #5, #6, or #7, discontinue application
and leave immediately.*
8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_____
9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?____
10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?______
11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?______
12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
13. How often do you attend: ____________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother,
father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded
would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be
my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask
is ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her
first is ____________________________
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A",
discontinue application and leave premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*
What do you want to be IF you grow up?__________
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best
of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm,
dismemberment, torture and or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow 4-6 years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if approved.
If denied, you are not permitted to apply again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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