 
Las Vegas Adult Entertainment
NEW Added on 10/31/2012
THE DUMB GUY
Q. Did you hear about the dumb guy whose wife had triplets?
A. He went looking for the other two guys.
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NEW Added on 10/30/2012
THE ACCOUNTANT
An accountant leaves a letter for his wife on a Friday night that says,
"Dear Wife,
I am fifty-four, and by the time you read this I'll be at the Grand Hotel
with my sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he gets to the hotel, there's a telegram waiting for him that says,
"Dear Husband, I'm fifty-four, too, and by the time you read this,
I'll be at the Breakwater Hotel with luscious eighteen year old boyfriend.
And I don't have to explain to you, an accountant,
that eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than
fifty-four goes into eighteen."
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NEW Added on 10/29/2012
MORE....YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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NEW Added on 10/28/2012
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
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NEW Added on 10/27/2012
GOOD OL' BOYS IN TEXAS
Thanks to Ben & Melinda in Dallas
Two good ol' boys in an East Texas trailer park
were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first guy says to the second,
"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday night & make love
to your wife while you was off a hunt'in, and she got pregnant,
and had a baby, would that make us kin?'
The second guy cocked his head sideways for a minute,
scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard.
Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin,
but it sure would make us even!
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NEW Added on 10/26/2012
HOOKERS
Q. Why do hookers have belly-button rings?
A. So you can hang an air freshener.
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NEW Added on 10/25/2012
ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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NEW Added on 10/24/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Q: Why won't they hire a Blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
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NEW Added on 10/23/2012
HEAVEN OR HELL
While walking down the street one day a US senator is hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.
"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem....
We seldom see a high official up here, so we're not sure
what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator..
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress, they ran to greet him, shake his hand
and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the public.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up and the door opens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls,
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it,
24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven..
Now choose your eternity.
"The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, but I think I would be better off in hell.
"So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land....
covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster
and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning....
Today you voted."
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NEW Added on 10/22/2012
EVEN MORE....YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
1. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
2. Your eyes won't get much worse.
3. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
4. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than....
the national weather service.
5. Your secrets are safe with your friends because....
they can't remember them either.
6. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
7. You can't remember where you saw this list .
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NEW Added on 10/21/2012
MORE....YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
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NEW Added on 10/20/2012
THE GENIE
A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the
third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice.
Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window.
Much to their dismay, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it
into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.
When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there.
The husband called out and no one answered.
Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch
with a turban on his head.
The wife said, 'Do you live here?'
'No, someone just hit a ball through the window.......
knocked over the bottle you see there and freed me....
for that little bottle was my prison.
I am so grateful,' he answered.
The wife said, 'Are you a genie?'
'Oh, why yes I am.
In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes;
the third I will keep for myself,' the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes:
The First was for a scratch handicap for the husband....
to which the wife readily agreed.
The Second was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said , 'Done!'
The genie now said,
'For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife.
I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all....
I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.'
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife,
'How long have you been married?'....
She responded, 'Three years.'
The genie then asked,
'How old is you husband?'....
to which she responded, '31 years old.'
The genie then asked,
'How long has he believed in this genie crap?'
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NEW Added on 10/19/2012
OLD FOLKS PRAYER
God grant me....
The senility to forget the people I never liked....
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do....
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
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NEW Added on 10/18/2012
THE RABBI
A man goes to see his Rabbi.
'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads,
'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
'Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man anxiously says, 'Yes.'
'Take the poison!'
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NEW Added on 10/17/2012
LAWYER JOKE
Q. How can you tell if a lawyer is well-hung?
A. You can't get your finger between his neck and the rope.
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NEW Added on 10/16/2012
CANDY
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy
in his mouth.
An old lady came over and said.
"Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth,
give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No, said Johnny, but he minded his own damned business."
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NEW Added on 10/15/2012
THE ELEVATOR
A beautiful young woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume.
She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly,
"Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of
very expensive perfume.
She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,
"Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and
is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around,
bends over, farts and says,
"Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
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NEW Added on 10/14/2012
The Cowboy and His Horse!
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians.
The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced
that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit,
they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die.
"What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.
I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy.
He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear.
The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed.
About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked girl on its back.
Well, the Indians are very impressed,
so they let the cowboy and the girl use one of their teepees.
A little while later, the cowboy comes out of the teepee,
tucking in his shirt.
"What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy.
Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear.
The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed.
About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked girl on its back.
Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed.
So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees.
The cowboy stumbles out a little while later,
and the chief asks the cowboy
"What do you want for your last wish?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy.
He grabs the horse by the ears and yells,
"You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"
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NEW Added on 10/13/2012
LINGERIE
A husband was shopping with his wife when she decided to buy something
for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.
Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk
asked if she could help him.
In a cocky manner, he asked,
"Where are all the men's clothes?"
In a demure voice the clerk replied,
"All of these clothes are for men, sir."
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NEW Added on 10/12/2012
MORE.... STUPID SIGNS:
Sign in London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In a laundry, on each washing machine:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
Outside the newest Las Vegas nite spot:
"HOT HOT HOT" IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE NIGHTCLUB IN LAS VEGAS....
EVERYONE WELCOME.
In a cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS.....
WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
In a London office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND......
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE BY THIS DOOR.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use the side door)
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE:
$1 PER PRE-PACKED 4lb.BAG or
DO-IT-YOURSELF .25 CENTS per-pound .
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NEW Added on 10/11/2012
STUPID SIGNS:
In a hotel during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
WE OFFER DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT BE AWARE THAT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(Please knock hard on the door the bell doesn't work)
In a Dry Cleaner's window:
LADIES.....
PLEASE DROP OFF YOUR CLOTHES.......
AND YOU WILL RECEIVE IMMEDIATE ATTENTION!
In an office building washroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
Outside a Tattoo Shop:
OUT TO LUNCH;
(If not back by five, Please come back Tomorrow).
In a health food shop:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
In a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
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NEW Added on 10/10/2012
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS-MEN
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT'-
He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'-
He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME'-
He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING'-
He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS'-
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants-
It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'
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NEW Added on 10/9/2012
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS-WOMEN
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK'-
She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY'-
She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE'-
She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND'-
She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you-
She is 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER'-
She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
(NOTE: Don't be upset ladies, Tomorrow is "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS - MEN")
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NEW Added on 10/8/2012
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
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NEW Added on 10/7/2012
THE BARBER SHOP
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber.
"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does..."
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NEW Added on 10/6/2012
YARD WORK
A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over,
weeding flowers from the flower bed.
The man says to his wife,
"Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill."
She ignored the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill,
then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps,
"Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!"
She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.
The wife calmly responds,
"If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener,
you are sadly mistaken."
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NEW Added on 10/5/2012
BLONDE JOKE
Two Blondes went to the country market.
While they were there, they each bought a horse.
When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart.
They decided to cut the tail off of one.
That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back,
so they decided that they would tie a red bow around one of the horses' necks.
One of the Blondes said,
"Which of the horses should we put the red bow on,
the brown one or the white one?"
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NEW Added on 10/4/2012
MORE......COMMENTS MADE IN THE YEAR 1955:
1. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now."
2. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day....
when the Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
3. "There is no sense going to New York City for a weekend anymore,
it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 8 cents,
just to mail a letter?"
5. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
6. "Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
7. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
8. "No one can afford to be sick anymore.....
at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."
9. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon.
They even have some guys they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
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NEW Added on 10/3/2012
COMMENTS MADE IN THE YEAR 1955:
1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.
"
2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one."
3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
4. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone.....
to watch their kids so they can both work."
5. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more,
those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
6. "I'm afraid that the Volkswagen is going to open the
door to a whole lot of foreign businesses."
7. "Kids today are impossible.....
Next thing you know....
the boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
8. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.....
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it."
9. "Did you see where a baseball player just signed a contract for....
$75,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."
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NEW Added on 10/2/2012
TALKING DOG FOR SALE
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
Talking Dog for Sale
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young....
and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift....
and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders.
Since no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping,
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work,
mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired,"
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars"
The guy says, "this dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a liar.
He didn't do any of that."
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NEW Added on 10/1/2012
THE PIGGY BANK
There was a couple who were big over-spenders.
They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii,
but were never able to save any money to go.
One day they came up with an idea--
each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 into a piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.
After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation
and broke the piggy bank.
The husband looked at their savings and said:
"Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy.
But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."
The wife replied,
"Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"
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