THE HONEYMOON"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some laundry?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUNDAY GOLFHe was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again. "9.30 Sunday okay?" George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late, Wait for me." The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The next Sunday there was George, punctual on the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again . "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" One of the foursome asked. George said, "Sure if I'm ten minutes late..." Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed." George said, "Well, that's true - I'm superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed." "What if she's lying on her back?" George said, "That's when I'm ten minutes late!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PLAYING HOUSE"Hey, Tommy, want to play house?" He says, "Sure. What do I have to do?" She says, "I want you to communicate your feelings." He says, "I have no idea what that means." She says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. & A.A. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE FROGHe is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3-wood and, Boom! Hole-in-one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BREAKFAST"Look at this. Another beautiful actress is gonna marry a football player who's a total dope. I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives." His wife says, "Thank you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RYE BREADabout his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital. "Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically." The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the baker that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock... ...The baker then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?" The man looks puzzled and asks the baker, "what is the difference?" The baker responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster." To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me......?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PHYSICAL THERAPISTThe first of the twosome tees off and watches in horror as her ball hurtles directly towards a group of men playing the next hole hitting one of the men, who immediately crumples to the ground, both hands clenched firmly between his legs. The women rush over... 'I'm really, really sorry,' says the woman who teed off. 'Please allow me to help you I am a physical therapist and I can ease the pain if you'd allow me.' 'Oooh - ahhh - oooooh!' screams the man, writhing around on the ground his hands still firmly entrenched between his legs. 'I'll be all right in a couple of minutes' Persistent the woman pins him down and unbuckles his belt. Then she loosens his trousers, slips her hand inside and massages his groin. 'How does that feel?' the woman asks. 'It feels absolutely great,' says the man, smiling, 'but my thumb still hurts like hell!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A. She can't find the eleven. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CHOKING VICTIMa young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, 'Kin ya swaller?' She shook her head 'no.' 'Kin ya breathe?' Again she shakes her head 'no.' The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! The young woman was so shocked that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls up her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat. His companion is sitting there stunned. 'I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!' he says to his heroic friend. 'Yep, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BARBER SHOPWhile the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YARD WORKThe man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. The man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE JOKEWhile they were there, they each bought a horse. When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back, so they decided that they would tie a red bow around one of the horses' necks. One of the Blondes said, "Which of the horses should we put the red bow on, the brown one or the white one?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws. You sing along with the elevator music. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?" You have a dream about prunes. You answer a question with "Because I said so!" You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You wear black socks with sandals. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairier than your head. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench, |